Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

We just moved 1,500 miles from everyone we know, so i get your reluctance OP. But you're only looking at what you stand to lose, not what you could potentially gain.

Try to look on the positive side, as well. This is the kind of thing that can really drive a wedge into a marriage.

[Anonymous]

You seem to think that your family is the important one and that his family is insignificant. That your kids should have a relationship with your family but not with his. You are not moving away from close family - you are moving to close family. You have close family in both places. Maybe your DH finds your family a lot to handle.

I do think you get input into the decision but your thinking process sounds very, very selfish and self oriented so I wonder if you ever consider your husband's opinion if you think only your family matters.

[Anonymous]

OP, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? If you were both out in CA, and you were offered a better job in DC, for more money, but your husband, a stay-at-home Dad, refused to move because his parents and siblings were in CA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am interested in all opinions, not just those who say I should stay. DH's parents mean well. They love our kids but I'd rather see them in small doses. My MIL is a lot to handle. She is the kind of person who is really nice and great to those who matter to her, but can be very rude to those who don't.

And in which category does she put you?

Are there other family members there?

[Anonymous]

the only place I would ever think of living with children in S. Cal is Coronado. Look at home prices there. Good luck

[Anonymous]

So, three years ago my husband and I did this to move here. The raise was only 10% which got eaten up in COL difference but a) it was better than where we were living (Florida, blech) and b) we knew he had more opportunity for growth here. He doubled his salary in just 2 years from $90k in Florida to $180k here. There was so much more room for advancement here.

Honestly, Southern California isn't a horrible place to live and long term, you've got two small kids to care for. More money is always going to be good. Your parents could retire there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am interested in all opinions, not just those who say I should stay. DH's parents mean well. They love our kids but I'd rather see them in small doses. My MIL is a lot to handle. She is the kind of person who is really nice and great to those who matter to her, but can be very rude to those who don't.

This. I had a feeling in-laws may not be very helpful. This is a tough decision. I think being able to support your family is the first priority. Altough you mention job advancement and 10% increase, it isn't clear if it is a matter of job security and survival (I.e. you have 100K in school loans, can't afford to buy a house, have less chance of having any job if he stays in DC) versus it being a preference to make more money and have greater job satisfaction. If you are talking a preference rather than survival then I think you look at quality of life. Will he work longer hours at the new job and you are more isolated? Were you planning to return to work and if so what are the prospects there? Is he willing to prioritize coming to DC for certain holidays with your family and being able to fly your parents out to visit once a year? Does he have a network of friends and family that extends to you? I just remember when my DH had to go to the hospital when we were out of town, I felt so alone. That every decision rested on my shoulders and there was no one to share the burden. If the same thing had happened when I was in-town, friends would have offered to help with the kids, my in-laws would have driven down, his friend would have visited him in the hospital if he was there any extended time.

I think I would be leaning towards going, but it would be important to me that DH had a plan and we talked thru quality of life. How would this move improve our family life and for the things we are giving up like time with the cousins and parents what can we do to help I.e. vacation together, visit East Coast, fly parents out etc. You would also be starting from no friends there so focus on neighborhoods where you know the neighbors or social activity that would get you out and meeting people, like tennis.

[Anonymous]

I'm the lone dissenter, I guess. I think both people have to be on board to make such a huge change. OP's life is here. DH knew that when he married her, I presume. If he makes her move, we all know she's going to be miserable and lord it over his head forever. Plus, as a SAHM, she doesn't have the same social opportunities as someone who's out and about all day. I think SAHMs need a bigger support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

+1

And being a SAHM mom, that is her support network. ILs don't weigh the same in that calculus.

[Anonymous]

I get why she doesn't want to move. Family is important--would be nice for the kids to have cousins nearby.

I have friends who moved to San Diego recently and it's more expensive than they thought it would be (and she was raised there!). A 10% raise doesn't seem like much to move for, IMO.

[Anonymous]

If there's a big move both partners have to agree or it's a no go.

I work in a small, specific field. I know there are places where I can't apply because my husband wouldn't want to move there. This list includes our hometown, unfortunately, which is where I most want to live. It's hard to be geographically incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I've read them all and you've given me more to think about. This is a huge decision. I worry if we decide not to go (be use I don't want to) he will resent me, and if we do go, I could resent him. I wish there was an easy clear decision but there just isn't. San Diego is very expensive. We go out there every year so I've seen out of living is higher than here.

[Anonymous]

A lot of that 10% can get eaten up by expenses of traveling back to DC to visit family.

Based on what you've said, its hard to tell if this is a good move. Living near family is priceless in my opinion. It makes it possible for your kids to grow up with close relationships to their cousins. On the other hand, you will settle in in CA eventually. Sounds like your DH will have much more caret growth there.

We left DC after almost 10 years here. It was hard to uproot, but both DH and I have jobs that pay much better, lower COL, and overall better quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to everyone who has responded. I've read them all and you've given me more to think about. This is a huge decision. I worry if we decide not to go (be use I don't want to) he will resent me, and if we do go, I could resent him. I wish there was an easy clear decision but there just isn't. San Diego is very expensive. We go out there every year so I've seen out of living is higher than here.

I think this is the biggest problem, OP. I hope you figure it out in a way that works for all of you.

[Anonymous]

If he has been commenting the whole 9 years about moving back, have you been clear all along that you will not move? Or did you go along with his musings in the hopes it would just never happen?

I am guessing you have kind of led him on, reinforcing his desire to move back by not being clear about your position. he wouldn't have kept mentioning it if you had clearly told him years ago that you will only live near your family.