impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

[Anonymous]

AA saves lives. Alcohol kills. My brother died from alcoholism at age 50.

I recommend AlAteen for those 10 and older and AlAnon for family and friends of alcoholics.

There are also plenty of women only meetings for female alcoholics.

Single men in recovery are encouraged not to date until they have at least a year of sobriety and dating fellow members of the group is heavily discouraged.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather have my loved one in AA meetings than passed out drunk outside of a restaurant crashed to the ground on the pavement next to his car.

This is where my Dad was (not AA.)

It was embarrassing to show my face in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA destroys, marriages believe me I went with my husband, and I saw how the men and women act together it’s not right that a man and a woman in AA gets so close. It’s bad for a marriage. I can’t stand AA. Female women should not be calling other men who are married in AA it’s not right and it should be up to the man the husband to make sure it never gets to that level but they feel like they have so much in common because they’re both all alcoholics. They hang out together outside of AA. And let’s not forget step 13 where they sit there and pry on women who come in there believe me I’ve heard them all talking I’ve seen it with my own eyes. my husband goes to AAA at least five days a week for the last 13 years they believe that this is the only way they can stay sober because the courts or than to go there. The courts are to blame for starting problems with families. Making it mandatory that people who have it a DUI go to these meetings. There are other methods now to get sober.

You seem awfully upset, and must be to resurrect a necro thread. I’m sorry your experience hasn’t been good.

I think there are as many individual/couple experiences with AA as their are individuals/couples involved. Everything in AA is a “suggestion,” but having opposite sex sponsors traditionally is strongly discouraged. The norm is that men stick with men and women with women. There certainly is “13th stepping,” but that is not happening in a healthy meeting because peer pressure should be strongly discouraging it. If your husband is six years sober by any method, that’s a miracle. Whatever “other methods” there are now, AA seems to be working for him in terms of avoiding alcohol. I know it takes a lot of time but the alternative might well be no relationship at all between you. AA might be adding stress to your marriage but I’d wager it is nothing like the stress that would be there if your DH was actively drinking.

As you probably know, is a parallel program to AA called Al-anon, for family members of alcoholics. You might find some insight there in terms of how you and DH can get past these stresses. I do have the impression that meetings vary widely in quality, so you might have to shop around. It is probably fair to ask your husband to talk about the woman issue with his sponsor. This is a common issue and, as noted, the traditional approach is to keep men and women rather at arm’s length from each other.

I hope you can work this out.

[Anonymous]

Be careful. Many addicts trauma bond and start affairs.

[Anonymous]

you married the alcoholic. Sometimes you find out you are not compatible with the sober version.

[Anonymous]

Husband still going to AA after 46 years. I’m fed up with it and want to know when it is our time or my time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband still going to AA after 46 years. I’m fed up with it and want to know when it is our time or my time?

He’s going to AA after 46 years because sobriety is one day at a time. He’s also going there to be of service to others, by his example, his experiences and possibly his sponsorship of newcomers.

I don’t quite understand what you mean by “our time or my time.” “Your” time sounds like the time you’d spend doing things without DH. “Our time” sounds like “couple” time, which is different. I hope that the two of you could work out “together” activities, but you can’t just blame the absence of that on AA or DH. It takes a concerted effort by both of you to build/maintain/rebuild a couples relationship. Sometimes people resent a partner’s AA involvement, just like they might resent a golf, fishing or other hobby or a club, but they don’t actually try to do anything to address that.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all responses am just responding to the OP.

You need to read and educate yourself and attend Al-Anon meetings either in person or online if you prefer. This is critical because you seem to have not grasped - you don’t mention it - that alcoholism is a family systems disease and you have played an active role in your husband’s alcoholism in some form or fashion that constitutes enabling. Of course you and your husband are disconnected, that is likely a big feeding factor of his active disease process. There is much work to be done to heal all these issues and it’s not all on your husband to do this work.

I’m not attacking you, please understand that. I am speaking to you as an adult child of an alcoholic father who did not work the program and whose enabling mother never acknowledged or accepted her role in the family system she created with her addicted husband and so together they spent decades of his sobriety continuing to be highly dysfunctional and miserable because he was just a dry drunk and she continued to enable. All of their four children struggle today with substance use disorders and poor mental health and physical health which are manifestations of decades of trauma and dysfunctional interpersonal relationships.

Work the program, invest fully in your family’s recovery. You are only as sick as your secrets. It’s probably time to talk about a healthy way to explain to your children that daddy goes to group therapy to help him process his stress and feelings about life. Children should learn early and often to identify and discuss feelings, especially the children of addicts who run a massively higher risk of developing addictive behaviors themselves when struggling with the many stresses of life.

[Anonymous]

It is part of the theoretical model of AA to replace one dependency (alcohol) with another (AA). It works for a lot of people in that AA is a much healthier habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you married the alcoholic. Sometimes you find out you are not compatible with the sober version.

This is so profoundly ignorant. My husband didn’t drink when I met him. It wasn’t even on my radar as a potential issue bc there were absolutely zero flags around alcohol w him. Zero. It started six years into the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.

As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through. I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps. The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar.

OP, consider trying a different Al-Anon meeting or ask if you can meet (virtually is probably fine) with someone one on one to ask exactly what you ask here re: "I don't get this or that." Also: During the pandemic, there were entire virtual Al-Anon groups and I would think some of those have continued, perhaps; that might be an option for you so you're not having to carve out meeting time to leave the house etc.?

I also would talk to DH about the fact you are starting to feel as if you alone have all morning duty with kids etc.; point out that you realize you are starting to feel resentful of his absences especially on two-meeting days, but also note for him that you are on board with what he needs for sobriety. Then say something like, "I'd rather talk about this now-- just like you're encouraged to talk openly in meetings, I want to talk openly as a couple. I would rather recognize this budding resentment on my part and nip it now so it doesn't grow, because the kids and I need a sober you. AA is helping achieve that and I value it. I'm asking, can you talk to your sponsor about whether you can try going without two-meeting days, as a start?" Then maybe work toward only one night meeting each week instead of two or three (recognizing that when an alcoholic feels he needs a meeting, well, he needs a meeting, and may have to go that second time or that extra night).

Have the conversation; acknowledge and own your feelings around this; be clear that you know AA is helping him and at the same time, is affecting you, the way the household works and your marriage. And OP, phrase it lovingly and non-confrontationally. He may feel defensive about AA. He might jump to assuming you are attacking AA, or attacking him, when you're not--you just miss him and his presence in the day-to-day of a marriage and kids. Tell him that. You don't want him to think, in his current deep need for AA, that you're asking him to choose between you and meetings, because that will breed resentment in him and that is a recipe for damaging the marriage and potentially for triggering drinking. If you can have the conversation and at the same time find an Al-Anon group that works better for you, that would be great.

A therapist could help as someone noted, but bluntly, it can be tough to find therapists with openings right now. Plus, a peer group of other spouses of alcoholics is an invaluable "been there, done that" resource for you.

[Anonymous]

Effing hell, I wish DCUM would NOT let people resurrect old threads like this without there being some kind of automatic tag you can see plainly that "this thread is TEN YEARS OLD." I just wasted time writing a long reply to someone who is long since either doing OK by now or divorced. Sure, sure, it's on me to check the date of a first post every single time, I guess. Pain in the a$$ to do that when one's trying to be helpful, dammit.

[Anonymous]

PP, I’m glad you posted. Even though it’s an old thread, some other reader may be helped by the advice you shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you married the alcoholic. Sometimes you find out you are not compatible with the sober version.

This is so profoundly ignorant. My husband didn’t drink when I met him. It wasn’t even on my radar as a potential issue bc there were absolutely zero flags around alcohol w him. Zero. It started six years into the marriage.

I think the original PP made a very valid point, that is very true.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a good idea to try another Al-anon meeting but don’t feel like you have to do it-it’s not for everyone!

And while aa helps many people and I’m glad it’s helping your husband, it’s evidence base is limited (the few studies that exist are mostly extremely poor quality) and it’s not more helpful than several other approaches yet there is somewhat of a “anyone who tries other methods is kidding themselves” attitude, even about Al-anon for family members! (I’m a family member, not an addict.)