Reply to impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.

As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through.[b] I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps.[/b] The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar.
[/quote]

OP, consider trying a different Al-Anon meeting or ask if you can meet (virtually is probably fine) with someone one on one to ask exactly what you ask here re: "I don't get this or that." Also: During the pandemic, there were entire virtual Al-Anon groups and I would think some of those have continued, perhaps; that might be an option for you so you're not having to carve out meeting time to leave the house etc.?

I also would talk to DH about the fact you are starting to feel as if you alone have all morning duty with kids etc.; point out that you realize you are starting to feel resentful of his absences especially on two-meeting days, but also note for him that you are on board with what he needs for sobriety. Then say something like, "I'd rather talk about this now-- just like you're encouraged to talk openly in meetings, I want to talk openly as a couple. I would rather recognize this budding resentment on my part and nip it now so it doesn't grow, because the kids and I need a sober you. AA is helping achieve that and I value it. I'm asking, can you talk to your sponsor about whether you can try going without two-meeting days, as a start?" Then maybe work toward only one night meeting each week instead of two or three (recognizing that when an alcoholic feels he needs a meeting, well, he needs a meeting, and may have to go that second time or that extra night).

Have the conversation; acknowledge and own your feelings around this; be clear that you know AA is helping him and at the same time, is affecting you, the way the household works and your marriage. And OP, phrase it lovingly and non-confrontationally. He may feel defensive about AA. He might jump to assuming you are attacking AA, or attacking him, when you're not--you just [i]miss him[/i] and his presence in the day-to-day of a marriage and kids. Tell him that. You don't want him to think, in his current deep need for AA, that you're asking him to choose between you and meetings, because that will breed resentment in him and that is a recipe for damaging the marriage and potentially for triggering drinking. If you can have the conversation and at the same time find an Al-Anon group that works better for you, that would be great.

A therapist could help as someone noted, but bluntly, it can be tough to find therapists with openings right now. Plus, a peer group of other spouses of alcoholics is an invaluable "been there, done that" resource for you. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics