impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

+1. Somehow you were making your marriage work during addiction. That is your normal. Now you are going to have to figure out the new normal. You may not like it. Many don't.

Crying as I am reading this. My husband just hit 6m sober and the shift in his personality has been overwhelming. In general, all positive changes but I feel like I don’t know him at all. The daily meetings, readings and phone calls feel like they are pulling him away. I honestly feel kind of awkwaRd around him and we’ve been married 10 years. I want this marriage to last (we have two GREAT kids) but the am lonely

[Anonymous]

Al-Anon exists! And you will find others there in the same shoes. Why deprive yourself of that understanding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to the gym instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were playing video games instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to a knitting circle instead?

Addicts tend to replace one addiction with another. I don't know any one who's every been addicted to kidney dialysis.

What’s s elfish and self-absorbed is to expect the non-addicted spouse to pick up all the tasks of the addicted spouse. Yes, the addicted spouse needs treatment and to seek it is not self-absorbed. BUT OP has every right to say - hey, your not meeting your responsibilities (even for a good reason) leaves me overwhelmed, where/how can I get some help?

OP, you have every right to ask for or arrange for help for yourself - therapy, meal service, babysitter, house cleaner, friends who help, outside activities for pleasure, time for exercise, etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been sober since 1975. We met in 1998. He used to attend AA matings, until about 2000. Then he stopped. I haven't seen any change in his personality or behavior since we met. He's responsible, loyal and loving. My family loves him and he reciprocates.

He's told me what he used to be like while he was drinking. It's hard to believe he could ever have been the person he describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

+1. Somehow you were making your marriage work during addiction. That is your normal. Now you are going to have to figure out the new normal. You may not like it. Many don't.

Crying as I am reading this. My husband just hit 6m sober and the shift in his personality has been overwhelming. In general, all positive changes but I feel like I don’t know him at all. The daily meetings, readings and phone calls feel like they are pulling him away. I honestly feel kind of awkwaRd around him and we’ve been married 10 years. I want this marriage to last (we have two GREAT kids) but the am lonely

I recommend couples counseling. DH is a recovered alcoholic and he attends meetings regularly. AA seems to support not talking about sobriety, struggles, and the program with spouses. Our therapist was an independent voice, and persuaded DH to share more with me. He doesn’t break people's confidentiality, but he shares his struggles with me. I feel close to him and that I understand him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. We have been married 21 years, (now in our early 60's) he has been sober the last 10 years. AA has been a marriage saver and a marriage destroyer. 10 yrs ago when he got sober it was meetings 7 days a week, and I supported him. After about 6 or 7 months he would go 2 or 3 times a week and then go to lunch with 2 men he developed a close friendship with from AA. We would socialize with the spouses all together, As well as our non-AA friends. This was when we lived in OH. In OH the men stuck with the men and the ladies stuck with the ladies at AA meetings.

We moved to FL 2 1/2 yrs ago and everything changed. I have never met any of his AA friends, and he has no friends outside of the AA. I have female friends and we have 1 couple friend together. I understand with COVID socializing has been diminished, however, he is going to AA meetings 3X a week in-person and 2 to 3X a week on Zoom. The men and ladies stay after the meetings and socialize together, they exchange phone#, text each other and this closeness he appears to have with the females is not good for our marriage. Yes, I have always trusted him because we have always shared our lives. I know he shares way more with the FL AA females, (because they can relate) than he does with me about his struggles and recovery. I read a text from a female AA member, it was innocent at the start, female "Can you please send my your address so that I can add it to the 7th Tradition Statement for the Noon Zoom meeting?" My H sends her the PO Box he uses for Business. female "Thanks." My H texts back, "It was really nice to finally meet you in person," ( when I asked about this he said they had met at the bank to switch to him all banking a few weeks ago because he is now the AA Treasure. Female "It was nice to finally meet you as well and look forward to seeing you again soon." Am I wrong, I think this is inappropriate?

If it feels wrong to you, then you should voice your concerns to your DH. I told my DH that I wasn’t comfortable with him texting individual women friends in any circumstance, so AA was no different. Group texts were fine, but not comfortable with individual texting, calling, or emailing. He’s had a woman give him her number once about something outside the program (getting a dog). He told her his wife would get back to her and gave me the number. I recommend you voice your boundaries. If you can’t agree, then couples therapist to help work through the issue.

Florida AA has become my spouse's life. He sees no problem with the text exchanges he has with these women. My husband is handsome, very successful, drives a Ferrari, and respects women. Not all, but a large majority of women in FL are 60 but look 40, or 40 and look like 30, (Thanks to some great plastic surgeons LOL), divorced, and looking for their next "sugar daddy."

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Generally, all family members living under a single roof for any length of time are affected negatively by a spouse's/father's alcoholism. The most common reaction by the opposite spouse is to enable, and rationalize their partner's behavior. This IS irrational and self-damaging behavior.

When the alcoholic partner stops drinking, there are bi changes in the family dynamic. The old alcoholic equilibrium is upset. It's new and uncertain ground.

I'm hearing a lot of this in posts, here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand your feelings. It sounds like your husband may now be addicted to AA and is putting his emotional energy there to the detriment of other areas of life. On the one hand, it's wonderful that he's getting help and taking it seriously.

On the other hand, however, it sounds like your relationship has not recovered in the wake of his sobriety. He is still not present in your life. Have you discussed his progress with him? It sounds like in his searching and fearless moral inventory, he needs to be considering the effects of his addiction and recovery on his family life.

In my personal opinion, in the morning and the evening is too much. He needs to be present for his family during the times when his family needs him. If you are worn out as a result of his morning absences, that is a problem. If your kids are upset about his absences in the evening, that is also a problem.

The problem with alcoholics in AA is that they are still addicts. They swap one addiction for another. AA is more benign than drugs, gambling, religion, porn, thrill seeking, etc. We've been through most of those in our marriage. I warn anyone to never get romantically involved with someone who is an addict/alcoholic, even if the are in 'recovery'. All recovery means is they are trying to manage their addictive behavior. Many addicts are great people, but addiction is hard on families and partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been sober since 1975. We met in 1998. He used to attend AA matings, until about 2000. Then he stopped. I haven't seen any change in his personality or behavior since we met. He's responsible, loyal and loving. My family loves him and he reciprocates.

He's told me what he used to be like while he was drinking. It's hard to believe he could ever have been the person he describes.

Why did he stop his meetings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been sober since 1975. We met in 1998. He used to attend AA matings, until about 2000. Then he stopped. I haven't seen any change in his personality or behavior since we met. He's responsible, loyal and loving. My family loves him and he reciprocates.

He's told me what he used to be like while he was drinking. It's hard to believe he could ever have been the person he describes.

Why did he stop his meetings?

I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. When I asked him if he ever had the urge to drink, he said yes, but he knew how it would end and nothing could ever be worse. He also told me that he has
dreams about drinking and these are good for him because they remind him he cannot drink socially, and then he laughs. He also told me an about an experience when he was sober, walking home
from a long night of work, and he heard a voice from nowhere, say something like, "you never have to drink again". Maybe there is a degree of mysticism in AA? He also has told me several times something about a bird on his shoulder that keeps telling him to drink and this is another sign to him that he is an alcoholic.

It's hard for any of this to make sense to me. I just can't explain how he could ever have been the man he used to be, by his own accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he is actually going to the meetings?

Yeah, I wonder that about mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. We have been married 21 years, (now in our early 60's) he has been sober the last 10 years. AA has been a marriage saver and a marriage destroyer. 10 yrs ago when he got sober it was meetings 7 days a week, and I supported him. After about 6 or 7 months he would go 2 or 3 times a week and then go to lunch with 2 men he developed a close friendship with from AA. We would socialize with the spouses all together, As well as our non-AA friends. This was when we lived in OH. In OH the men stuck with the men and the ladies stuck with the ladies at AA meetings.

We moved to FL 2 1/2 yrs ago and everything changed. I have never met any of his AA friends, and he has no friends outside of the AA. I have female friends and we have 1 couple friend together. I understand with COVID socializing has been diminished, however, he is going to AA meetings 3X a week in-person and 2 to 3X a week on Zoom. The men and ladies stay after the meetings and socialize together, they exchange phone#, text each other and this closeness he appears to have with the females is not good for our marriage. Yes, I have always trusted him because we have always shared our lives. I know he shares way more with the FL AA females, (because they can relate) than he does with me about his struggles and recovery. I read a text from a female AA member, it was innocent at the start, female "Can you please send my your address so that I can add it to the 7th Tradition Statement for the Noon Zoom meeting?" My H sends her the PO Box he uses for Business. female "Thanks." My H texts back, "It was really nice to finally meet you in person," ( when I asked about this he said they had met at the bank to switch to him all banking a few weeks ago because he is now the AA Treasure. Female "It was nice to finally meet you as well and look forward to seeing you again soon." Am I wrong, I think this is inappropriate?

Florida AA has become my spouse's life. He sees no problem with the text exchanges he has with these women. My husband is handsome, very successful, drives a Ferrari, and respects women. Not all, but a large majority of women in FL are 60 but look 40, or 40 and look like 30, (Thanks to some great plastic surgeons LOL), divorced, and looking for their next "sugar daddy."

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lol. I know this is old, but I write this to men (and women) all the time for my job, as I work with clients and often meet them in person after communicating in writing for months. It is the blandest, most perfunctory comment and I would be gobsmacked if anyone ever took it as some sort of sexual invitation.

[Anonymous]

AA destroys, marriages believe me I went with my husband, and I saw how the men and women act together it’s not right that a man and a woman in AA gets so close. It’s bad for a marriage. I can’t stand AA. Female women should not be calling other men who are married in AA it’s not right and it should be up to the man the husband to make sure it never gets to that level but they feel like they have so much in common because they’re both all alcoholics. They hang out together outside of AA. And let’s not forget step 13 where they sit there and pry on women who come in there believe me I’ve heard them all talking I’ve seen it with my own eyes. my husband goes to AAA at least five days a week for the last 13 years they believe that this is the only way they can stay sober because the courts or than to go there. The courts are to blame for starting problems with families. Making it mandatory that people who have it a DUI go to these meetings. There are other methods now to get sober.

[Anonymous]

It kept my family intact and kept me from initiating divorce. I knew that if I left my husband (a handsome doctor in his mid-thirties), he would easily find another wife through AA, and it wasn’t going to be the kind of woman I would want raising my kids half of the time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for what you have gone through and are going through.

1) try AA to see if you meet other spouses who are experiencing the same

2) your husband should not keep blowing off your son’s questions. That is disrespectful and will cause the child to worry. Perhaps he could ask others what they say to their kids. A club? IF your son knows his father had a substance abuse problem (e.g., saw him drunk or heard fights over it), the truth might be best. It is a healthy response to the problem his parent is facing.