impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm curious how others out there have handled their spouse attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Background: DH has been going to AA for approx. 18 months now and has gotten into a routine of attending meetings every weekday morning and 2-3 nights a week as well. He gets ready for work and leaves the house each weekday, attends his meeting and then heads straight to the office. I count my blessings that he finally recognized he had a problem and continues to take steps to deal with it. Believe me, I get it that this is a blessing. Before he started going to AA, I was constantly angry and resentful of his drinking and his trying to hide the extent of the problem.
Fast forward to now. In 18 months, he's only slipped once for a few days, but has otherwise stayed on track. I get the whole "one day at a time" thing and I know that I can't bank on his staying sober into perpetuity. I'm glad that he is doing AA, but in the meantime I worry about our becoming more and more disconnected. I feel like we truly talk less and less. He sometimes shares a bit about the meetings while respecting the anonymity of the other folks there, but sometimes I feel completely out of the loop when it comes to what's going on with him. I'm reading what I've written and I know I'm not expressing it well. I guess I feel like AA is his new wife and I'm being replaced. As I type this, I feel ridiculous. I know I should feel some degree of relief that he's not drinking anymore, but I find myself feeling a new kind of resentment. I'm doing double-duty with our young kids a lot of the time so he can go to the meetings and he's talking to me less and sharing what's on his mind more and more with his AA group. Meanwhile, our oldest child is getting more persistent in asking "where is Dad going?" when he heads out the door for another meeting. He always responds with "don't worry about it," or "I'll be back soon" and then the questions get posed to me repeatedly once he is gone. I did attend one Al-Anon meeting with his encouragement. Everyone there was very welcoming and kind, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure whether I want to go to another and quite frankly it's hard to even get to Al-Anon meetings when I'm often on solo-duty with the kids so he can go to his AA meetings. I'm so tired from being the solo parent on weekday morning duty (and often in evenings too) as well that by the time Sat morning rolls around and I could attend an Al Anon meeting while he watches kids, all I want to do is sleep in while he does kid duty. Anyone else been through this? Any coping suggestions or advice. I love my husband. He is a good person and a good father. I'm proud of him for working hard on his sobriety, but I'm struggling to figure things out on my end. Thanks and sorry for the long post. |
Anonymous
|
I recommend trying different Al-Anon meetings to find a better fit. Have you talked to DH about creating the space for you to get your needs met? If not Al-Anon, maybe a counselor for yourself, or for the two of you would be in order.
Sorry, it does sound really hard. I have a friend who's religiously in NA meetings and it seems a little obsessive and I feel left out of his life in a big way. But I'm also a recovered addict and I think if AA keeps your husband sober, overall it's a good thing. |
Anonymous
+1. Sorry you're going through this. Maybe if Al-Anon is not for you, you would benefit from working with a therapist who has experience dealing with addictions. |
Anonymous
| My DH has been sober for 12 years. I met him when he was a year sober. At that time, he attended meetings at least once a day. Almost always around 7 or 8 pm. When we had our first child, he continued meetings about 5 times a week. His sponsor asked my DH to go to a sober weekend away with the group a freakin week after our baby was born. My in laws and I were livid. My DH didn't go. After we had two kids, between a full time job and school, he started to go 2 times a week or so. My DH is still sober and meetings are very helpful in the beginning of sobriety to stay on track, but going excessively is a strain on the family. My DH probably goes to one AA meeting a year now. My DH knows that if he ever has the urge to drink or feels on the edge, he doesn't even have to ask to go to a meeting. I just expect him to be there, asking for help. |
Anonymous
|
OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.
As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through. I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps. The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar. |
Anonymous
|
I would try going to Al-Anon again - I think everyone feels a little nervous speaking at first. Also, as PP mentioned, different mtgs have different flavors, so try until you find one that fits.
Re: frequency of mtgs, have you talked to your DH about this? It is not uncommon for people to go to mtgs every day at first, but I understand that it is feeling like a lot to you. I would frame it in terms of wanting time to connect to him, but let him know that you support his sobriety 100%. |
Anonymous
| My husband is an alcoholic who has now been sober for 2 and a half years and attends AA meetings. I identify with everything you are saying, but want to give you a pep talk here to let him stick with what he needs to do to stay sober. Getting sober was a huge relief for our family as well, but also just the beginning of many other issues we have to grapple with. My husband only quit drinking after going away to rehab for a month, and his instructions upon leaving were to go to meetings every day for 90 days. That was a hard time for me, feeling like a single parent as you mention. But I knew it was necessary and never complained. He then cut back to meetings about three times a week and now goes once a week. And I have to say that every time he cut back on the meetings, I was secretly relieved because they take so much time away from the family. However, if it was what he needed to stay sober, I'd have him go twice a day. But hopefully as your husband sticks with the program, he'll be able to cut back on the meetings. Like you, I've also tried Al-Anon and am not a fan. I would recommend that maybe you look into private counseling instead -- either on your own or as a couple. This is a big change for both of you and it takes an investment of time and money to get through the transition. I also want to add that my husband always marvels at the people he meets at the meetings who are getting sober by AA alone. He said he doesn't think he could have done it without rehab, and he admires others who are working so hard at it without going away. It's more of a struggle than you or I can fully I understand, I'm sure. |
Anonymous
|
I'm sure you've read this, but:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf best of luck, OP. |
Anonymous
| I've BTDT. For many people, as time goes by, the need for meetings decreases. If Al-Anon is not for you, and it's certainly not for everyone, fine a good therapist who specializes in addiction issues. I don't know where you live, but in NW DC, Babette Wise is wonderful. She specializes in both addiction and spouses of addicts, so she can see you alone or see you both. She also has group sessions for spouses of alcoholics, which can be quite helpful. |
Anonymous
| I highly recommend trying Al-Anon again, OP, many of the meetings have child care. I started going myself about 6 months ago and it's been really helpful for me. The first step in Al-Anon looks the same as AA, admitting we are powerless, but what we're admitting we're powerless over is another person (people, places, and things, Al-Anon says): the alcoholic and his/her drinking. |
Anonymous
| I just read this and am feeling the exact same way. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and started a business on his own. I have worked full time raising 2 kids to support his dream. Recently he has admitted he is an alcoholic and has gone to meetings sometimes 2 times a day. His family says his alcoholism is caused by me and his stress to manage his business. A business I don't want but I am supporting financially as well as the family. I feel like everything is always about my husband and his drama. I am proud that he is getting help but I am so tired of being strong and taking care of everything. AA seems to be another situation that is all about him and i am exhausted. |
Anonymous
| AA is a crazy cult. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I understand your feelings. It sounds like your husband may now be addicted to AA and is putting his emotional energy there to the detriment of other areas of life. On the one hand, it's wonderful that he's getting help and taking it seriously.
On the other hand, however, it sounds like your relationship has not recovered in the wake of his sobriety. He is still not present in your life. Have you discussed his progress with him? It sounds like in his searching and fearless moral inventory, he needs to be considering the effects of his addiction and recovery on his family life. In my personal opinion, in the morning and the evening is too much. He needs to be present for his family during the times when his family needs him. If you are worn out as a result of his morning absences, that is a problem. If your kids are upset about his absences in the evening, that is also a problem. |
Anonymous
Very helpful. Thanks for adding to, what was, a productive discussion. Have a nice day. |
Anonymous
| This is a very common theme when a family member gets sober. Addicts are generally all about themselves when they're using drugs or alcohol and the family suffers for years with their selfishness. Then, everyone hopes when the addict gets sober, they'll start putting others first again, the "it'll finally be our turn to get some priority" hope. Unfortunately, in the early days (and sometimes months/years) of sobriety, the addict often need to be just as selfish as they were when they were using to keep themselves sober. So you go from supporting them when they're shitfaced in the gutter to supporting them when they're gone all the time to meetings. A lot of families don't make it through because the family members just can't keep putting the addict first and pulling all the weight so the addict can focus on themselves. |