impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

[Anonymous]

I’m so happy I found this page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

Are you in the program?

[Anonymous]

Why does my husband have women from AA cell numbers ?? He has a sponsor. Trading one drama for another

[Anonymous]

AA saves lives

No AA can mean death

My brother and Dad both died from alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

90 in 90 is for newcomers and those coming back from a relapse. If they had sufficient support to prevent alcoholism (a unicorn of a concept, btw), they wouldn't have an alcohol use issue. The purpose of 90 in 90 is the same as immersion language learning, which it essentially is. You want the newcomer to be in constant contact with the program and fellow alcoholics, regularly reminded that they have a problem for which there is a solution. There are online zoom meetings around the clock; you don't need to do this in person. It's also an easy way to make contact with other people in recovery. As nice as your "non-alcoholic friends" may be, and as much as they legitimately may want to help, if you haven't experienced this problem, your "help" isn't likely to be very helpful, and might even make things worse. I want a doctor/pilot/mechanic with experience, not just book learning. The same applies for finding a sponsor or having a sober sibling/friend in recovery.

There's a massive amount of relapse-prevention seen in those who do the 90/90 vs. those who try to brute force new habits with their same support systems. Family, church and non-alcoholic friends are lovely, but they don't automatically prevent relapse. A roster of fellow addicts you can call when you feel a slip coming on can, as can the accountability of knowing you're gonna claim your seat in ____ hours, so you'd better stay sober for this 24.

It's not a thing because we like numbers and AA jargon. It's a suggested recovery tool because it works (if you work it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

90 in 90 is for anyone at any point in their recovery whether new, coming back from a relapse or dealing with a stressful life situation. A theme that has come up in many of meetings recently is that AA IS a self-centered program. Some marriages can withstand it, others cannot. It depends on how the non-AA spouse views their partner's alcoholism. Someone posted earlier that many marriages actually do not survive sobriety. Mine did not. My partner did not like the things I committed to change about myself and peaced out. I can't argue with that. All I know is that I am in a much better, healthier space thanks to AA. I'm no longer slowly drinking myself to death and I actually like living my life. I have lots of people in my life who are not in the program. Some of those relationships are stronger and better, others not so much. I can't speak for anyone else but I know that AA saved my life after trying everything BUT AA for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AA is a crazy cult.

Very helpful. Thanks for adding to, what was, a productive discussion.
Have a nice day.

He/ she is not wrong though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

90 in 90 is for newcomers and those coming back from a relapse. If they had sufficient support to prevent alcoholism (a unicorn of a concept, btw), they wouldn't have an alcohol use issue. The purpose of 90 in 90 is the same as immersion language learning, which it essentially is. You want the newcomer to be in constant contact with the program and fellow alcoholics, regularly reminded that they have a problem for which there is a solution. There are online zoom meetings around the clock; you don't need to do this in person. It's also an easy way to make contact with other people in recovery. As nice as your "non-alcoholic friends" may be, and as much as they legitimately may want to help, if you haven't experienced this problem, your "help" isn't likely to be very helpful, and might even make things worse. I want a doctor/pilot/mechanic with experience, not just book learning. The same applies for finding a sponsor or having a sober sibling/friend in recovery.

There's a massive amount of relapse-prevention seen in those who do the 90/90 vs. those who try to brute force new habits with their same support systems. Family, church and non-alcoholic friends are lovely, but they don't automatically prevent relapse. A roster of fellow addicts you can call when you feel a slip coming on can, as can the accountability of knowing you're gonna claim your seat in ____ hours, so you'd better stay sober for this 24.

It's not a thing because we like numbers and AA jargon. It's a suggested recovery tool because it works (if you work it).

People at AA keep trying to get my DH to try 90 in 90, or even something more than just a weekly meeting. Given the alternative on non-AA nights is definitely not helping around the house (though at least it's not always passing out right now), I wish he would. And this is a guy who when not drinking or even when he was a high functioning alcoholic was a super dad and Mr. Helpful around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

90 in 90 is for anyone at any point in their recovery whether new, coming back from a relapse or dealing with a stressful life situation. A theme that has come up in many of meetings recently is that AA IS a self-centered program. Some marriages can withstand it, others cannot. It depends on how the non-AA spouse views their partner's alcoholism. Someone posted earlier that many marriages actually do not survive sobriety. Mine did not. My partner did not like the things I committed to change about myself and peaced out. I can't argue with that. All I know is that I am in a much better, healthier space thanks to AA. I'm no longer slowly drinking myself to death and I actually like living my life. I have lots of people in my life who are not in the program. Some of those relationships are stronger and better, others not so much. I can't speak for anyone else but I know that AA saved my life after trying everything BUT AA for a very long time.

Unpopular take: A lot of people in relationships with alcoholics are codependent, and rely on their status as the "victim" or "caregiver" of the alcoholic as part of their identity. When the alcoholic quits, the former "support partner" also needs to adjust or the dynamic remains out of balance. I'm not saying the partners are responsible for the addicts; we make our own choices to use/drink/gamble/watch pron/whatever. But maintaining a long-term relationship with a known addict/alcoholic is a choice, and there's usually a corresponding profile that goes along with it.

Anyone with a partner in AA should commit to AlAnon, and probably CoDA, counsling, and/or another program for their own enabling behavior(s)

https://coda.org/
http://al-anon.org/

[Anonymous]

Imagine this . Your partner has been in AA for 18 months is going to meetings on a regular bases. Then brings home a bottle of alcohol for you. Saying I thought you might enjoy having a few drinks. I can’t drink but you can drink. I’m baffled !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine this . Your partner has been in AA for 18 months is going to meetings on a regular bases. Then brings home a bottle of alcohol for you. Saying I thought you might enjoy having a few drinks. I can’t drink but you can drink. I’m baffled !!!

Was it given to him? Is it still sealed? Do you still drink semi-regularly?

It's clumsy, but I've passed along gifted wine, etc. once I was past the initial detox/cravings phase (I did ask that there not be any in our home for a time). I'm sober for me; it doesn't mean everyone else has to be.

[Anonymous]

It’s stilled sealed. He bought it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine this . Your partner has been in AA for 18 months is going to meetings on a regular bases. Then brings home a bottle of alcohol for you. Saying I thought you might enjoy having a few drinks. I can’t drink but you can drink. I’m baffled !!!

I would say this person is close to slipping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm grateful for the changes AA made on my life but there are other ways to sobriety. I honestly have no clue how people attend so many meetings without getting bored out of their minds hearing the same people talk over and over. There are lots of people there that have absolutely nothing to say about life unless it's about alcohol or their alcoholism.

Maybe he can drop the 1 out or 2 meetings on any particular day and see if there's anything else out there.

Yes, at 18 months, this guy should be cutting back on some meetings and paying attention to his responsibilities at home. 90 in 90 is great for newcomers, but the point of AA is being able to live your life and take care of your responsibilities and being happy. If you're spending that time in meetings, you're not living your life.

90 in 90 is for single people who have no support network or any kind -- no family, no church, no healthy non-alcoholic friends

90 in 90 is for anyone at any point in their recovery whether new, coming back from a relapse or dealing with a stressful life situation. A theme that has come up in many of meetings recently is that AA IS a self-centered program. Some marriages can withstand it, others cannot. It depends on how the non-AA spouse views their partner's alcoholism. Someone posted earlier that many marriages actually do not survive sobriety. Mine did not. My partner did not like the things I committed to change about myself and peaced out. I can't argue with that. All I know is that I am in a much better, healthier space thanks to AA. I'm no longer slowly drinking myself to death and I actually like living my life. I have lots of people in my life who are not in the program. Some of those relationships are stronger and better, others not so much. I can't speak for anyone else but I know that AA saved my life after trying everything BUT AA for a very long time.

Unpopular take: A lot of people in relationships with alcoholics are codependent, and rely on their status as the "victim" or "caregiver" of the alcoholic as part of their identity. When the alcoholic quits, the former "support partner" also needs to adjust or the dynamic remains out of balance. I'm not saying the partners are responsible for the addicts; we make our own choices to use/drink/gamble/watch pron/whatever. But maintaining a long-term relationship with a known addict/alcoholic is a choice, and there's usually a corresponding profile that goes along with it.

Anyone with a partner in AA should commit to AlAnon, and probably CoDA, counsling, and/or another program for their own enabling behavior(s)

https://coda.org/
http://al-anon.org/

I think your opinion is backed by pretty solid evidence. I wasn't shocked that my ex bailed. I'm so glad he did tbh. I wasn't ready to face it that soon but whatever. Face it I did and I'm grateful.