impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

[Anonymous]

I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I have 4 years sober. At the beginning AA was very important. Now I go once a year on my anniversary. So your DH may not need AA as much the longer he is sober.
You have every right to feel what you're feeling. I fully validate you and hope that your DH can understand how his behavior now is affecting your relationship.
There are many layers going on here, as there are in any relationship, especially with an addict. I would say that my main priority in my life is staying sober, maybe the same for your DH. I realize all else flows from that. That is your DH's only chance at being a good husband and father. You can support him in that by caring for yourself. Al anon might not be the answer for you (my own DH would never consider it). Find the best way to carve out some time to get your own needs met. A therapist is a good suggestion. Not that you need therapy or need "to change", but one person in a couple getting sober has enormous consequences on the whole system, and things get harder before they get better. So you need to find a way to cope.
If you feel like you're doing all the parenting and your DH isn't there for you, couples counseling could help (we did it.)
You aren't alone or wrong to feel this way. Best wishes to you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

People with addiction issues tend to replace one addiction with another. So now he's addicted to AA, as another poster said. It would help him to be in therapy with someone experienced with addiction and good at uncovering and healing the core damage that left him with this gnawing psychic pain and void he's trying to medicate.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I've done the heavy lifting all my kids' lives because of this stuff, and it's exhausting. At a certain point I did explain to them generally that their father needed to go to therapy appointments and his support meetings because he was trying to get stronger and do better. They lived with the downsides of his behaviors and issues over the years, and they witness the improvements he's made. Take all the help you can get, because you will have to be strong for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read this and am feeling the exact same way. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and started a business on his own. I have worked full time raising 2 kids to support his dream. Recently he has admitted he is an alcoholic and has gone to meetings sometimes 2 times a day. His family says his alcoholism is caused by me and his stress to manage his business. A business I don't want but I am supporting financially as well as the family. I feel like everything is always about my husband and his drama. I am proud that he is getting help but I am so tired of being strong and taking care of everything. AA seems to be another situation that is all about him and i am exhausted.

You've gotten some good advice here. I just want to add that his family is feeding you bullsh*t. His alcoholism is a disease that he most likely inherited from his family and they're in denial about it. If you look closely, you may find signs of addiction in another family member. I would recommend regular Al-Anon meetings if you feel like you have the time for that - or working with a therapist experienced with addictions. The addict in early recovery, as others have noted, is still pretty self-centered even though at least they're not using but there are family dynamics that don't go away when the alcohol and drugs go away and everyone needs to work on changing that, not just the addict. Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

http://www.expaa.org/

[Anonymous]

My man took me to a couple of open AA meetings. I heard a lot of hope. I didn't have to go through his early days of recovery. He had been sober for a long time before I met him. He told me that a primary reason he divorced his previous was that she couldn't accept him or treat him as a sober person.

At one meeting a person said that his wife missed the power she thought she had over his life when he was drinking.

Does that make sense? I've been ordering him around for 20 years. He doesn't pay attention and he's still sober.

[Anonymous]

Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he is actually going to the meetings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to the gym instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were playing video games instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to a knitting circle instead?

Addicts tend to replace one addiction with another. I don't know any one who's every been addicted to kidney dialysis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to the gym instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were playing video games instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to a knitting circle instead?

Addicts tend to replace one addiction with another. I don't know any one who's every been addicted to kidney dialysis.

He has obligations at home, as well as obligations to his sobriety. The point of getting sober is not so that he can ignore his wife, and leave her to care for the children, support the family, and support his failing business. He needs to step it up and be a partner. If he doesn't, she has no obligation to continue to take care of hin and everything else, too.
/a member of AA with 23 years of sobriety

[Anonymous]

God bless everyone. I’m going through the same thing with my wife. I asked to go with her the other night when it was sprung on me after a nice dinner. She said no, it’s only for alcoholics. It’s definitely a strain on our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Having dealt with this in our family, when someone gets sober, they have to go "all in." They are replacing one behavior with another. I know it's frustrating, but AA works. My family member hasn't had a drink in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

Agree with this- people are addicts for a variety of reasons- some of it is to deal with other issues like ADHD or personality issues or trauma. Once the drinking stops, it's back. Everyone imagines that the substance is the problem- but it's only the symptom. I thought everything would be magical when the drinking stopped- then realized that I was dealing with an unlikable sober person who is narcissistic and oppositional.
I agree that marriage counseling is important- maybe start with individual counseling, let your DH focus on sobriety if it's still fragile, then marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.

As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through. I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps. The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar.

My dear OP- Addiction doesn't work like that. It is hard-wired to a certain extent. Like my Depression- I have an amazing life on paper but I also have a chemical imbalance. You have to give up this line of thinking for your own sake or it will drive you crazy.

I totally get that he is going to meetings a lot now and you feel overwhelmed and disconnected from him. Is there a way you can carve some time out for yourself? Like a Sunday morning walk in the woods or yoga or whatever feels right for you.

Hang in there! It will get better. The Alcoholics I know who have been working the steps for a long time don't go to meetings every day or even every week. Yes he's being self-centered and is probably navel-gazing to a certain extent but this too shall pass and he will come out a much better person for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very common theme when a family member gets sober. Addicts are generally all about themselves when they're using drugs or alcohol and the family suffers for years with their selfishness. Then, everyone hopes when the addict gets sober, they'll start putting others first again, the "it'll finally be our turn to get some priority" hope. Unfortunately, in the early days (and sometimes months/years) of sobriety, the addict often need to be just as selfish as they were when they were using to keep themselves sober. So you go from supporting them when they're shitfaced in the gutter to supporting them when they're gone all the time to meetings. A lot of families don't make it through because the family members just can't keep putting the addict first and pulling all the weight so the addict can focus on themselves.

Np. This post among others really resonated with me. Thank you to everyone for sharing.