impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

Wha??

I’ve read of other very similar stories and warned my husband about what could happen at meetings. The 13th step is an inside joke about how some old timers or sponsors prey on newcomers for sex and favors. The meetings are full of people from all walks of life and some are shady if not downright dangerous to be around (sex offenders can be anonymous). Remember being sober doesn’t mean somebody doesn’t have serious mental issues. There are narcissists and predators peppered at AA, and thirsty women. Since the non alcoholic spouse is viewed as a “normie” who can’t possibly understand the alcoholic then the spouse slowly gets convinced his marriage isn’t what he needs for his recovery. He needs to be selfish, and put AA above family (very cultish IMO). This is where the women in search of sex and relationship come in at AA wanting to steal husbands. Be very careful.

I've been attending recovery meetings including AA meetings in DC and Maryland for four years. AA can attract unstable as well as insightful people with occasionally profound things to say. I have never seen anything like the predators you describe at the meetings.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone and I can’t thank you enough for your bravery to come forward and share this! I feel very similar to what you’re going through! My husband and I have only been married 2 years which he was plastered for half of it. Before marriage, we had a long distance romance and I didn’t see his disease until after we said I Do. I have an 11yr old son from a previous marriage that lives with us full time and I was blessed enough to be able to retire from my 26 yrs as a flight attendant. My son and I moved from PHX to LA to be with my husband and feel like I haven’t been able to build close, trustworthy friendships yet like I had in PHX for decades. After 4 times in 2 years of my husband being admitted to different rehab centers, he finally got the right help and got sober, now attending AA daily. In addition, he is an executive of a bank that puts in 12 hour work days in a job he actually loves. When he does finally get home after being gone 14 hours a day and 2-3 hours on weekends, he then calls his sponsor every night and works on step work. Like you, I am Elated that he is sober and working towards a better lifestyle but I feel so alone, isolated, and left out. I’ve been to several AA meetings with him for support but I became hurt when he stopped inviting me so that he could work on his “step work” after the meeting with his sponsor. Whenever I To express How much I miss him and how lonely our marriage has become, he reminds me that our marriage will be over if begins drinking again. I know I should be happy about him staying sober in AA but I feel like AA has become his new mistress and New addiction. I do see aN addiction counselor for counseling but I don’t feel that things are getting better and it leads to me pulling away from my husband both emotionally and physically which often leads to bickering. My husband of course tells his sponsor every tiff we have and I’ve overheard his sponsor telling my husband to just pull away and not talk to me if I Have jealousy or problems with him leaving to meetings. I’ve always been a giver and people pleaser but now I’m Learning to put God first and me 2nd! When he has meetings, I take my son somewhere special or carve out ME time. I miss my husband but I also have to learn to let go at the same time and trust that God Has a grip on this.

[Anonymous]

Well this is a thread from the past...

A recovering alcoholic should put in as much time in early recovery to getting sober as they did getting drunk. I know it maybe hard that he is sober and spending so much time on being sober, but how much time did he spend drunk? A man or woman with a good program will be a good partner. They will not be this involved with AA forever. The first year is extremely tough though.

I’ve seen a few people get divorced when the spouse didn’t want to be with the recovering alcoholic
as they got healthy. Lots of times I see people who are just as sick as the drunk, use to taking care of someone and in love with the chaos, who can’t see their part when they aren’t required to take care of the drunk. I’d check out Al-Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

Wha??

I’ve read of other very similar stories and warned my husband about what could happen at meetings. The 13th step is an inside joke about how some old timers or sponsors prey on newcomers for sex and favors. The meetings are full of people from all walks of life and some are shady if not downright dangerous to be around (sex offenders can be anonymous). Remember being sober doesn’t mean somebody doesn’t have serious mental issues. There are narcissists and predators peppered at AA, and thirsty women. Since the non alcoholic spouse is viewed as a “normie” who can’t possibly understand the alcoholic then the spouse slowly gets convinced his marriage isn’t what he needs for his recovery. He needs to be selfish, and put AA above family (very cultish IMO). This is where the women in search of sex and relationship come in at AA wanting to steal husbands. Be very careful.

I've been attending recovery meetings including AA meetings in DC and Maryland for four years. AA can attract unstable as well as insightful people with occasionally profound things to say. I have never seen anything like the predators you describe at the meetings.

Me too. Have attended meetings daily for almost two years all over the metro DC area in towns with varying socio-economic demographics. I have never seen what you are describing.

[Anonymous]

Happily married to a sober alcoholic. He has been sober for 25+ years, we have been married for 22 years. He was sober when we met. I tried Al-Anon, and decided it was not for me.

At first, I was jealous of the AA meetings. They had so much of his time, and knew so many things about him. So, I attended a few those meetings to find out more. I found them repetitive amd dull. Not jealous any more. He cut back on attending when the children were little, and went to ones super early.

DH still attends meetings a couple of times a week, and while I wish he had more friends outside the recovery community, they are obviously his people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

Wha??

I’ve read of other very similar stories and warned my husband about what could happen at meetings. The 13th step is an inside joke about how some old timers or sponsors prey on newcomers for sex and favors. The meetings are full of people from all walks of life and some are shady if not downright dangerous to be around (sex offenders can be anonymous). Remember being sober doesn’t mean somebody doesn’t have serious mental issues. There are narcissists and predators peppered at AA, and thirsty women. Since the non alcoholic spouse is viewed as a “normie” who can’t possibly understand the alcoholic then the spouse slowly gets convinced his marriage isn’t what he needs for his recovery. He needs to be selfish, and put AA above family (very cultish IMO). This is where the women in search of sex and relationship come in at AA wanting to steal husbands. Be very careful.

New poster here. I am divorced and now generally very happy dating a former alcoholic who has been sober since college. I'm reading this thread and about to vent because I am uncomfortable feeling about his AA meetings. First, he met his former girlfriend there, and actually told me when we first met that "she was appealing because she didn't drink." I remember the tone, it was judgmental about those who drink, and it actually seemed to insinuate that AA people were somehow better than normal, functional people who are not alcoholics.

It feels like a cult. I disagree with things he says like people who are alcoholics can't be held accountable for their actions, even if they weren't drunk when the performed them - here's an example: ex-girlfriend had a long affair with her married boss. BF says, "Well, she was an alcoholic back then..." I say, "Well, she wasn't drunk 24/7, so maybe when she sobered up in the morning, she would have maybe ended things." He excuses it because of the drinking. I disagree. And so on.

So now I've revealed the secret rift between us to all of DCUM! It's AA, and I hate it and a lot of the garbage I hear from that place. I also hate that it lets BF hang out with a bunch of very troubled messed up people he has nothing in common with (except their terrible relationship with alcohol) instead of focusing on making interesting, loyal, good new friends in real life. I worry about that. He's way less judgmental about people in AA than in real life. It's like a crutch, and a very very unhealthy one.

I would say it's the biggest issue between us. I usually let it go, but I think AA's a crock. And I wouldn't trust anyone in there unless I met them in real life and got to judge them like I would anyone I wanted to spend time with - and that's not cheaters and people who steal and relapse and think it's all sort of okay and almost a prize because they are alcoholics. Lots and lots of drama, lots of narcissism. Vent over.

[Anonymous]

a.a is the basis of no insurance and court mandated. While alcohol destroys marriages a.a is the dumping ground for those who cant or wont go to medical rehab programs the member puts a.a above spouse children and everything else. yes do not drink is the continued goal but staying sober is on the person not to destroy while doing so its like the damage done while drinking. a hardcore drunk or hardcore a.a one in the same bills family made and makes hundreds of thousands every month off of a.a get wise get qualified help

[Anonymous]

Spouse of a recovered alcoholic here. DH has over 30 years of sobriety, regularly attends meetings, and speaks with his sponsor almost daily. I’ve attended open meetings with him, and I find them mostly inspirational and a tad depressing.

The main issue we had was DH not sharing feelings and emotions that have anything to do with sobriety and recovery. I felt like I was being iced out and didn’t like that he’d share everything with AA and not me, his wife. As a program, AA seems to support this approach. We started marriage counseling, and the therapist told him about “walls” and “windows”. Relationships should be like windows to each other. Hiding feelings was a wall. Therapist said AA approach was fine if you’re single, but doesn’t work for married couples. She said he was acting like a single person in a married relationship. That hit home with DH and he now shares all his recovery work with me. A complete change from how he had been - and how most function in the program.

DH has multiple family members in AA, and they don’t agree that alcoholics should share recovery work. I’m glad DH valued our relationship enough to step out of the mold.

Regarding women in the program, DH knows I have complete trust in him, but would feel uncomfortable with him having an emotional relationship with any other woman - in AA or out. Therefore, he doesn’t exchange numbers, call, have one on one conversations about recovery, sponsor/sponsee or other type relationships with women in the program. They participate in group meets and that’s it. If a group goes to coffee afterward, he sticks with the men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a.a is the basis of no insurance and court mandated. While alcohol destroys marriages a.a is the dumping ground for those who cant or wont go to medical rehab programs the member puts a.a above spouse children and everything else. yes do not drink is the continued goal but staying sober is on the person not to destroy while doing so its like the damage done while drinking. a hardcore drunk or hardcore a.a one in the same bills family made and makes hundreds of thousands every month off of a.a get wise get qualified help

The vast majority of “medical rehab” facilities discharge patients to AA or something similar. It is in no wise a “dumping ground.” To the contrary, the one requirement for membership is that the individual (not somebody else) have a desire to stop drinking.

And I assure you, NOBODY is making “hundreds of thousands a month off AA.”

You seem to have some very strange ideas.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been in AA since 1975, long before I met him. He has told me what it was like and what he was like before he stopped drinking. It's very hard to believe. He is certainly a changed person. I've been to several meetings with him and I don't really understand AA. But then again, I don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AA is a crazy cult.

Thanks. It is and brings another problem into the mix.

Either they need to stop drinking altogether or it's time to bail OP.

[Anonymous]

Thank goodness I found this thread. I was beginning to think I was the selfish one. the spouse of someone 2 months in AA .He cut me off again because he tells me it is all about him right now. What about all the years when it was all about him and his behavior? Hanging on by my toenails.

[Anonymous]

Took myself to AA meetings because I saw how badly my drinking was impacting my DH (doesn't often drink) and my DC. I've been going a few meetings a week, and Zoom helps to not have to leave the house as much. I find this thread very disturbing with its allegations of cult and men and women on the prowl. I have not experienced that. Instead, I have made some positive relationships with both men and women. But, 90% are not people that I would socialize with outside of meetings. I rarely hang out at the end. But, I will admit that I have come to rely on texting with both men and women and group chats that include men and women, when I'm feeling down and want to avoid a relapse. They are AA support, and I enjoy getting to know them and their stories. It didn't even occur to me that my DH could misinterpret the chats with men. But, they are usually about how it works, how to pick a sponsor, zoom vs. in person - the snow storm etc. ... Reading this thread, I should just stick with the groups and the girls to avoid any issues.

I understand how OP must feel. And, I like the response that told her to focus on her own well being. Going to meetings is not an "instant fix" for the family. It is a process, and part of the process is for AAers to support each other and become better humans by helping others.

[Anonymous]

I am the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. We have been married 21 years, (now in our early 60's) he has been sober the last 10 years. AA has been a marriage saver and a marriage destroyer. 10 yrs ago when he got sober it was meetings 7 days a week, and I supported him. After about 6 or 7 months he would go 2 or 3 times a week and then go to lunch with 2 men he developed a close friendship with from AA. We would socialize with the spouses all together, As well as our non-AA friends. This was when we lived in OH. In OH the men stuck with the men and the ladies stuck with the ladies at AA meetings.

We moved to FL 2 1/2 yrs ago and everything changed. I have never met any of his AA friends, and he has no friends outside of the AA. I have female friends and we have 1 couple friend together. I understand with COVID socializing has been diminished, however, he is going to AA meetings 3X a week in-person and 2 to 3X a week on Zoom. The men and ladies stay after the meetings and socialize together, they exchange phone#, text each other and this closeness he appears to have with the females is not good for our marriage. Yes, I have always trusted him because we have always shared our lives. I know he shares way more with the FL AA females, (because they can relate) than he does with me about his struggles and recovery. I read a text from a female AA member, it was innocent at the start, female "Can you please send my your address so that I can add it to the 7th Tradition Statement for the Noon Zoom meeting?" My H sends her the PO Box he uses for Business. female "Thanks." My H texts back, "It was really nice to finally meet you in person," ( when I asked about this he said they had met at the bank to switch to him all banking a few weeks ago because he is now the AA Treasure. Female "It was nice to finally meet you as well and look forward to seeing you again soon." Am I wrong, I think this is inappropriate?

Florida AA has become my spouse's life. He sees no problem with the text exchanges he has with these women. My husband is handsome, very successful, drives a Ferrari, and respects women. Not all, but a large majority of women in FL are 60 but look 40, or 40 and look like 30, (Thanks to some great plastic surgeons LOL), divorced, and looking for their next "sugar daddy."

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

+1. Somehow you were making your marriage work during addiction. That is your normal. Now you are going to have to figure out the new normal. You may not like it. Many don't.