Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have as hard a time as I do? Or have you found a way to cope?

Seriously, some days I think my head will explode.

Me too. And if you are anything like me, it's not about neatness or someone 'not being like you'. It's much bigger than that. When I can't find a space to eat at an 8 person breakfast room table because he's sprawled his stuff all over it within an hour after I have cleared it. When I trip over things he's 'storing'. When there are 8 junk drawers between the kitchen and dining room holding - junk. When I come downstairs in the morning and find drawers open. When it costs thousands of dollars in emergency vet care because he's left something open and the dog got to it. When all the printers, etc are in his office and it's a hazard to walk in there to get something off the printer. Ad nauseum

For those that think it should be easy, that we should just be able to throw this stuff away, etc, it's not that easy. One of two things happen. Either there's outright hostility or there is a passive-aggressive slam waiting for you down the line.

Right now, I'd settle for just being able to hire someone to fix the doors with holes in them - the standard ones Lowes carries for $23 that he claims are not to be found anywhere, and other household maintenance. The man is a millionaire and throws fits when I hire someone as 'he can do it'. He doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if my marriage can survive until the kids are out of the door, both of us will be close to 60, too old to get a divorce. We have grown apart in the part decade and will probably continue to drift further apart in the next decade. Hopefully we can still be good roommates by then.

We are married in name only and separate rooms for several years. Examples of 'normal' famil life has been observed by DC and comments like 'I wish our family was like that' breaks my heart. I am the one who attends concerts, parent/teacher meetings, etc. I pay the tuition, he pays the mortgage. There is no family vacation but DC and I go everywhere. In four years when I have DC comfortably in college, I am so gone. I will have very little money and no doubt will not be able to retire but in my field, I can work until I drop which will most likely be the case. My biggest regret is losing the excellent healthcare coverage under his plan.

DC is happy and healthy with lots of good friends. Unfortunately, we have no local family so I will 'retire' and work in one of two places where I have family and friends. Yes, I stay right now because of finances and for DC who is comfortable in our home. There is no arguing but no existence as a family where we plan and do things together. I wish I had had the cajones to pick up and leave when DC was a toddler. However, I do come and go as I please and stopped asking husband if he wanted to vacation with us years ago since he never goes anywhere or does anything. Though, he always goes to work and comes straight home to the TV. I wish he would find someone and just leave.

I have told DC that the way we live in separate rooms is not the norm and talked about what to seek in relationships. I am counting down the next 4 years and making preparations for my departure which includes a few extra bucks in savings andadditional education in my field. It's all about DC right now, by choice, but my day will come.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Anonymous]

I'm mid 40's DH . DW and I do have sex though it comes and goes in spurts but that is all we do together. No kissing, hugging handholding, etc. I have tried all I know to do. Suggested counseling, workshops, clergy etc. DW wants none of it. I cook, clean, shop, compliment, etc. DW found FB 5 years ago and our marriage went downhill fast. I used to argue with DW about time spent on FB. Now I just avoid her. We got married too young and I realized too late that we had nothing in common. I don't respect her as an intellectual equal. DW thinks I'm too stuffy. We are a match made in hell. Not much yelling and screaming anymore from me. Just detachment. She has an outburst now and again but eventually fizzes out again to détente. Unfortunately DC's are comfortable in our home and routines. They have friends and are happy. I am SOOOO OUTTAA HERRE when last child heads to college in 5 years. I am bitter and unhappy. After a particular bad patch I made a choice 8 years ago to keep it together for DC's sake. I tend to regret that more than not now. I hope it benefits DC's. Thanks for the forum

[Anonymous]

Me too. And if you are anything like me, it's not about neatness or someone 'not being like you'. It's much bigger than that. When I can't find a space to eat at an 8 person breakfast room table because he's sprawled his stuff all over it within an hour after I have cleared it. When I trip over things he's 'storing'. When there are 8 junk drawers between the kitchen and dining room holding - junk. When I come downstairs in the morning and find drawers open. When it costs thousands of dollars in emergency vet care because he's left something open and the dog got to it. When all the printers, etc are in his office and it's a hazard to walk in there to get something off the printer. Ad nauseum

For those that think it should be easy, that we should just be able to throw this stuff away, etc, it's not that easy. One of two things happen. Either there's outright hostility or there is a passive-aggressive slam waiting for you down the line.

I so understand. How's your garage? That is what pushes me over the edge...3 car garage and haven't been able to park in it for years...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Me too. And if you are anything like me, it's not about neatness or someone 'not being like you'. It's much bigger than that. When I can't find a space to eat at an 8 person breakfast room table because he's sprawled his stuff all over it within an hour after I have cleared it. When I trip over things he's 'storing'. When there are 8 junk drawers between the kitchen and dining room holding - junk. When I come downstairs in the morning and find drawers open. When it costs thousands of dollars in emergency vet care because he's left something open and the dog got to it. When all the printers, etc are in his office and it's a hazard to walk in there to get something off the printer. Ad nauseum

For those that think it should be easy, that we should just be able to throw this stuff away, etc, it's not that easy. One of two things happen. Either there's outright hostility or there is a passive-aggressive slam waiting for you down the line.

I so understand. How's your garage? That is what pushes me over the edge...3 car garage and haven't been able to park in it for years...

I had that redone under his protest last year. He's still cluttered up the third bay so I'll be giving stuff away. The bikes are the worst - he bought a rack three years ago and still has not put it together. I'd do it but I am profoundly non-mechanical. All the extra cabinetry I had installed helps a ton. He still insisted on putting in some crappy rusted shelving and a run down corner cabinet back in there. In addition, his workshop bench is a profound disaster. I didn't want to die on that hill so I let these things go

What you have to do is say "you have X weeks to get Y done. If you don't, I will hire Z to do it" for anything you can't do yourself.

[Anonymous]

I imagine that this will happen. I just want to be able to sleep around on occasion, but the guilt and anxiety after the fact are a steep price to pay. Marriage is a comfortable cage.

[Anonymous]

This thread is incredibly sad. A lot of you mention :5/4/3 years to go... That's heartbreaking. Does that really seem like a short time to wait in a marriage that has already ended in your heart? I wish you all strength and most importantly happiness in other interests or hobbies and ESP. Your children while you wait it out. I understand the reasoning but it seems horribly unhealthy, and I hope it is worth it in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is incredibly sad. A lot of you mention :5/4/3 years to go... That's heartbreaking. Does that really seem like a short time to wait in a marriage that has already ended in your heart? I wish you all strength and most importantly happiness in other interests or hobbies and ESP. Your children while you wait it out. I understand the reasoning but it seems horribly unhealthy, and I hope it is worth it in the end.

Yes, it's a short time, and my mind could very well change over that time, so the point about the marriage ending in my heart isn't quite so. Nothing is carved in stone. The difficult thing is living together. I can't expect him to change but what I would like to see is he not considering me neurotic for wanting to keep relatively clutter-free. I say relatively because I expect my husband to be able to live in his own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is incredibly sad. A lot of you mention :5/4/3 years to go... That's heartbreaking. Does that really seem like a short time to wait in a marriage that has already ended in your heart? I wish you all strength and most importantly happiness in other interests or hobbies and ESP. Your children while you wait it out. I understand the reasoning but it seems horribly unhealthy, and I hope it is worth it in the end.

Yes, it's a short time, and my mind could very well change over that time, so the point about the marriage ending in my heart isn't quite so. Nothing is carved in stone. The difficult thing is living together. I can't expect him to change but what I would like to see is he not considering me neurotic for wanting to keep relatively clutter-free. I say relatively because I expect my husband to be able to live in his own home.

I'm glad to hear it's not set in stone for you. But quite a few PPs have made their decision and are eagerly waiting the end. They are done, they said so themselves. Yes things can change but not if you are deader on the opposite and not welcoming change. Like I said I understand the reasoning. But if I were in the same position I know I could not be my best self for my children, I am horrible at compartmentalizing and my roles in other parts of my life would surely suffer. Once I knew it was the sure end I would have to leave for the sake of my children and myself. I hope I never find myself in this position because it is surely one of the most difficult. After all we all marry our spouse for a reason, if that were gone, if the love and connection was gone, i'd be lost in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about it. Not because I don't love my husband but because I can't live with him. He creates a huge clutter mess where-ever he goes. He doesn't throw things away, doesn't put things away, etc. If I took photos of his workshop and office, you'd see exactly what I mean. I showed photos of his office to a mental health professional once who said "this is more than just a clutter problem".

I agree. He doesn't open his mail either and used to yell at me for doing it, saying it was a Federal offense, but after a few checks for thousands of dollars expired because he let them sit without opening them for over a year, he shut up about this.

I can't keep up without exhausting myself. He also doesn't really believe in maintaining a house, so I've lived with holes in doors, cracks in ceilings, etc. I can physically only do so much. I am in my early 50s and won't be able to keep up the pace I do in old age, so I am thinking about leaving just so I can live in place that doesn't make my head hurt looking at it. I don't want to be one of those old people they find crushed under clutter.

The only saving grace is that he doesn't tolerate food mess so what lies around are just objects, not disgusting things. Still, it's hard to live with.

I think I work with your husband and am tired of cleaning up his mess there as well.

plus 100. I wonder if some of my kids are going to become hoarders. He is delusional about the clutter, thinking that if we only fix the major things (the first floor toilet, the roof) we will be able to have people over to dinner. I have not contradicted him, just because he hates it when I do, and fixing the roof was major issue and he had to renegotiate with the insurance company because we took so long (we also, in addition to having our chimney shattered, recently got cited by the DC government for problems with our decaying fence, the paint peeling on the trim of the house etc) to make the repairs. The lightning strike also broke the ac, which he has yet to fix, so this is the third summer where until he gets around to it, the only ac is in my room. The house was so hot one day last week my son came in and put himself right in front of the cool air, saying he was having sex with the ac. He also treats me like shit in front of the kids, and my 9 year old has repeated phrases like shut the fuck up and stop being a bitch. I am disabled, and for many reasons cannot leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tha was my plan, but fate smiled on me and DH dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40. Misery over.

Thank you, God.

Not buying it.

may be true, but one of the most frustrating things for me is that I am insured for 1.2 million - came from work and COBRA because I am disabled, and he is only insured for 2 million, where 250k goes to my mother in law. As I said, I am disabled and cannot drive and given that now he picks the kids up and drops them off at school and helps them with their homework (I have virtually no authority or credibility with my kids on academic issues because they think he is so smart and I am bad at math) and I have been asking him to increase the amount of his life insurance for about 3 years not because I want to kill him but because as I get more and more disabled and it has become obvious to me that I would need a lot of money to take care of the kids if he were not around. And clean up the house. Since he fired our nanny and I got really sick the house has become such a disaster that my children cannot even have their friends over to spend the night or for playdates and when people ask us over to dinner we cannot reciprocate so we have very few friends left as a couple and my kids do not get invited to many birthday parties... He continues to refuse to put things out for charity even when I arrange to have organizations come to the house etc unless it is just my clothers OR he gets around to going through absolutely every piece of junk or stuff we do not need and he NEVER has the time to do that for some reason before the things have to be left on our doorstep for these folks to take them away...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM = bunch of bitter women who could never be satisfied egging each other on. Oh, and there are 4 or 5 posts for each bitter woman in a thread.

This sounds like it was written by a man who did not or does not want his wife to divorce him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I've thought about it. Not because I don't love my husband but because I can't live with him. He creates a huge clutter mess where-ever he goes. He doesn't throw things away, doesn't put things away, etc. If I took photos of his workshop and office, you'd see exactly what I mean. I showed photos of his office to a mental health professional once who said "this is more than just a clutter problem".

I agree. He doesn't open his mail either and used to yell at me for doing it, saying it was a Federal offense, but after a few checks for thousands of dollars expired because he let them sit without opening them for over a year, he shut up about this.

I can't keep up without exhausting myself. He also doesn't really believe in maintaining a house, so I've lived with holes in doors, cracks in ceilings, etc. I can physically only do so much. I am in my early 50s and won't be able to keep up the pace I do in old age, so I am thinking about leaving just so I can live in place that doesn't make my head hurt looking at it. I don't want to be one of those old people they find crushed under clutter.

The only saving grace is that he doesn't tolerate food mess so what lies around are just objects, not disgusting things. Still, it's hard to live with.

OMG, I think we are married to the same person.

I'm also with a clone of this guy. If we could swing it financially, I would love to live near him, just not with him. Once the kids are grown, I'll see what can be done. On so many levels, it's draining to live with a depressive who considers himself visiting royalty at home.

The house across from me is for rent. Oh the fantasies...

no kidding about this I look at Zillow all the time and even though we have the money in the BANK he is too cheap to consider moving. I would love to leave and leave behind all the clutter but I cannot leave my kids there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think about it sometimes. DH is a very good father and a good man. Sex life has been nonexistent for many years, and I fear if we stay together I'll need to have an affair. Still, we are overall happy together. I just wish there were more of a sexual component to our marriage.

This - lack of sex - has been one of my husbands serious complaints, so serious that he has threatened infidelity, or taking a second wife (hope to God that is a joke, but given my disability it might not be.} Because it is a marriage with kids he has had a hard time figuring out how he would explain this to our children in a theological way - we are devout x religion that has never heard of plural marriage and has always considered it more of a fantasy. He has gotten sex on demand since he asked for a divorce since 2007, because like others have said, has done the research and decided we have to wait, I think his heart broke when his mom left his dad when he was 7)
.
Even though I give in every time he asks me to (I'm the disabled one) he complains about the lack of variety. He gets sex on demand about 4 times a week but when I brought it up in an argument recently he said (in front of my 11 year old daughter) that even the sex wasn't that good because I have to wear a neck brace etc He even gets frustrated when I am having my period. He knows I am the survivor of a really brutal rape and some of the things he has suggested I do ( I have NEVER, not even in college, given him BJ's and now after falling down the stairs I have TMJ and would need to see a physical therapist to be able to open my frigging mouth wide enough - imagine that conversation with a PT !) I feel a little sorry for him because according to him although I had never done it in the ten years we were together before marriage he somehow thought I would get better about this and and enjoy sex more ingeneral and the BJ thing has come out of thin air. We certainly never discussed it with our priest.\

[Anonymous]

Waiting until the youngest is out of the house...... 4 years!