Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

[Anonymous]

"If I were in a good but passionless marriage, I would absolutely stick it out for the kids."


The issue here is how one defines "good". Yes, I agree that it make little sense to leave a "good" marriage but I have a hard time seeing how a marriage without passion can be good. I think that being in a relationship where you are not receiving fullfillment will affect other aspects of your life - its just snowballs into unhappiness. I think that if you are willing to "stick it out for the kids" you should be willing to work at making the marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

One of the most ironic pieces of advice I've seen on this board in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If I were in a good but passionless marriage, I would absolutely stick it out for the kids."


The issue here is how one defines "good". Yes, I agree that it make little sense to leave a "good" marriage but I have a hard time seeing how a marriage without passion can be good. I think that being in a relationship where you are not receiving fullfillment will affect other aspects of your life - its just snowballs into unhappiness. I think that if you are willing to "stick it out for the kids" you should be willing to work at making the marriage work.

Are you sure you are not confusing passion and affection, or perhaps sex? I can absolutely see a good marriage without passion. How many 60-year olds do you think still engage in bodice-ripping? You can work on lots of things in a marriage, like kindness, consideration, compatibility, habits, but passion? Not required by the rulebook. Nice to have but optional. Affection, yes, comfortable sex that hits the spot, yes. Passion, meh.

[Anonymous]

All of this makes me wonder about my grandparents. Both sets seemed so in love, they all lived until their late 80's. They all were fairly poor, had lots of kids (more than 5) and worked more than 1 job. It could not have been easy/fun for them. But divorce wasn't an option for any of them (Irish-Catholics).
Did sticking it out through the bad times eventually lead to good times? Or were they all just the sweet loves stories that you occassionally hear about? I doubt it.
I really think sticking it out (within reason-not in cases of abuse or where someone is obviously miserable). Having young kids is tough! For everyone! Especially in today's world where the woman is supposed to be a successful CEO who has a clean house and cooks healthy organic meals and has a wonderful, supportive, successful husband
Bullshit! Marriage/having kids is sometimes miserable, ugly, messy work

[Anonymous]

That or do it now while the kids are too young to remember? They are 2 years and 6 weeks. My husband hasn't grown up. It has been days since he even held the baby. It just makes me sad that he's such a horrible father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this makes me wonder about my grandparents. Both sets seemed so in love, they all lived until their late 80's. They all were fairly poor, had lots of kids (more than 5) and worked more than 1 job. It could not have been easy/fun for them. But divorce wasn't an option for any of them (Irish-Catholics).
Did sticking it out through the bad times eventually lead to good times? Or were they all just the sweet loves stories that you occassionally hear about? I doubt it.
I really think sticking it out (within reason-not in cases of abuse or where someone is obviously miserable). Having young kids is tough! For everyone! Especially in today's world where the woman is supposed to be a successful CEO who has a clean house and cooks healthy organic meals and has a wonderful, supportive, successful husband
Bullshit! Marriage/having kids is sometimes miserable, ugly, messy work

So true that the expectations we put on ourselves and our spouses are simply unattainable!

We're all unique individuals and the mistake we can make on this board is to think that there is some objective way of gauging whether someone's spouse is hopeless or there's something worth salvaging. I've seen people say that someone made a bad choice in a spouse because their spouse is unemployed or under-employed, or that another poster who was appreciating her DH married a man who was "mediocre at best." Do you really think that you can judge whether someone you have never met is "mediocre at best" as a husband and father from the limited information you've read on this board? We need to be propping eachother up, encouraging eachother to make it work if we can, and focus on the positive, but not to stay in a miserable marriage if you've really given your all. Everyone's got the things they're willing to compromise on and the things that are deal-breakers, and they're different from person to person. When we tell people to leave spouses based on fear for the worst (she's only going to get worse, the signs are all there...), rather than hope, we can encourage people to give up too easily, and leave in pursuit of some ideal that simply doesn't exist. We are not only our earning potential, book knowledge or emotional maturity, and our marriages should be based on more. It's the connection between you that matters most for your own happiness, as well as your children. There's alot we can work around if we're with the right person.

But as some pp's have pointed out, staying in a loveless marriage is not fair to you or your children either. If the alternative is being selfish and finding a spouse who is good for you but not kind and loving to your children, then that is really no alternative at all. But if you leave an unhappy marriage and re-marry someone who is a wonderful step-parent and role-model for your children (what my mom did when I was 5) then I think that is preferable to staying in an unhealthy marriage by far. Sure, it hurts sometimes that your birth parents aren't together, but I can say from my personal experience, as well as that of many close friends, that overall children are happier and healthier if their parents are happy and healthy, even if that means introducing step parents and/or siblings into the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what if you are in a soul crushing, emotionally isolating relationship with a man who even takes his vacation time on his own time, alone? I've tried for four years to make this man speak to me. My parents had this kind of marriage and I promise you that my two siblings and myself wished that they would divorce. We were painfully aware of how horrendous their marriage was. The tension was thick and my father is an angry, self-absorbed bastard. Somehow I ended up in a similar situation. He's not mentally ill (clinically diagnosed) like my dad but his self-absorption and disconnect is more than I can bare. I'm at the breaking point and want to leave with my DD. I've stuck it out for years and now I don't want my DD to grow up in the same house that I did. I do think there are times when divorce is essential. I can't stand to do this to my DD. I can't stand not to give her a brother or sister but you can only take so much. I totally agree with the PP who feels she should stick it out for the children. I do too...to a degree.

The cycle continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That or do it now while the kids are too young to remember? They are 2 years and 6 weeks. My husband hasn't grown up. It has been days since he even held the baby. It just makes me sad that he's such a horrible father.

NP here. We are going to a family therapist and it's helping a little. A marriage counselor is all about you and him, the problems for me were also what a sucky parent he found it fine to be. He didn't have a loving close family and often had no idea what to do so he checked out. A family therapist considers everyone's interests, much more productive fwiw. I'm seeing a little improvement...

[Anonymous]

Tha was my plan, but fate smiled on me and DH dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40. Misery over.

Thank you, God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tha was my plan, but fate smiled on me and DH dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40. Misery over.

Thank you, God.

Not buying it.

[Anonymous]

DCUM = bunch of bitter women who could never be satisfied egging each other on. Oh, and there are 4 or 5 posts for each bitter woman in a thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tha was my plan, but fate smiled on me and DH dropped dead of a heart attack at age 40. Misery over.

Thank you, God.

Not buying it.

Not buying what?

The plan?
The miserable, loveless, and sexless marriage with lazy and selfish DH?
Or the heart attack at age 40?

[Anonymous]

DANG IT!!! Why do I always find these forums long after the subject has discontinued!!??

I'm a Dad & Husband of 21 years. My wife is Horrifically Lazy, Self Absorbed, and yet Still takes the Credit for Everything Good that happens-Leaving me to shoulder all that's Bad. I'm a very Loving Father, & support my children at times Beyond what a Dad's normal responsibilites shoud require. (We have 3 girls) But I Give & Give & Give without replinishment, and now I've had enough. My youngest has 1 more year of high school. And although admittedly it will be the Hardest thing I've EVER had to do... I think I'm gonna have to call it quits. I don't pretend that it's not gonna shake the foundation of not only My life, but Many others (including my overly-dependant wife) but I've worked hard. For a Very Long Time. Now it's MY turn to be happy.

[Anonymous]

I adore adore my kids, but once they are out of the house, i am planning to have my hubby and me go back to our selfish ways and do stuff for us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've known since my kids were young that I would divorce my husband one day and I have been unwavering in that notion, but I actually don't know if I can wait that long. He's not a bad person (although he is somewhat immature), it's just that I married the wrong person and I feel horrible for not loving him the was he loves me. We don't fight and are not abusive to each other, but I feel more like his sister or good friend. I am not interested in sex or any kind of intimacy with him and I wish that he woud lcome home one day and tell me he's found someone else, but he's not that type. I am now at the point that I feel like although it would hurt him terribly, it would be better for him if we divorced sooner rather than later because he's still young enough to find someone to love him the way he deserves to be loved.

it sucks. how old are you and your dh?