Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

[Anonymous]

How old will you be at that point? I would think if you could get along like roommates it would be financially better just to stay together if you've been together for 18+ years.

[Anonymous]

But what if you are in a soul crushing, emotionally isolating relationship with a man who even takes his vacation time on his own time, alone? I've tried for four years to make this man speak to me. My parents had this kind of marriage and I promise you that my two siblings and myself wished that they would divorce. We were painfully aware of how horrendous their marriage was. The tension was thick and my father is an angry, self-absorbed bastard. Somehow I ended up in a similar situation. He's not mentally ill (clinically diagnosed) like my dad but his self-absorption and disconnect is more than I can bare. I'm at the breaking point and want to leave with my DD. I've stuck it out for years and now I don't want my DD to grow up in the same house that I did. I do think there are times when divorce is essential. I can't stand to do this to my DD. I can't stand not to give her a brother or sister but you can only take so much. I totally agree with the PP who feels she should stick it out for the children. I do too...to a degree.

[Anonymous]

I am trying my best to hold out that long. It is my plan, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

I disagree completely with the pp. There is nothing nauseating about the poster's life story, and the poster was simply relating what happened and how things sometimes work out in a way that is unexpected. I am happy it is working out for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

What would you have done if you were in my place. BTW, I am very happy that you gave me three years of bliss. I am actually taking it day by day and am making no assumptions

[Anonymous]

I like pp's story. I think it sounds like things are going well.
I think staying together for the kids is a bad idea. Kids whose parents get divorced eventually adjust and end up fine. Tons of kids go though it.
But every single person I know whose parents divorced when they were a little older were crushed by it, I mean high school age and college aged kids.
Teens need stability more so than young kids, plus I think spending years together when you really aren't in love is such a massive waste of everyone's time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this plan. I had it all figured out - I would pack my bags the night before my youngest graduated from high and then once the event was over I would walk off into the sunset and never look back. I figured that I would leave my DH to take care of the legal details of the demise of our marriage. I also used to wish that he got himself a girlfriend bc then I would be totally free from guilt about the lack of sex (I had zero interest).

Well, a funny thing happened - he called my bluff and forced me to take a long hard look at my "plan". He got a "girlfriend". I put the word in quotes bc both he and her swear that they never had any phyical contact (she lives in another state). When I found out I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said no, he said he had no interest in leaving me that he had too much invested in our marriage and our kids and that while he was not happy with me he still loved me and that his wanting to have sex with another did not mean he did not love me. I insisted that divorce was best of us, he said no and asked (he did not beg) and asked me to think about it before making a final decision. I took me 3 days but I agreed to give the marriage a real shot so long as he met two minor conditions.

Its been six months and its like we are two different people and our marriage is amazing. The sex is great, he is an amazing father - he is doing all the things that were lacking that made me plan to leave him in the first place and I am definately giving him what he needs most - my attention. We are definately not perfect and every once in a while I freak out and get suspicious (he travels some), but now I just tell him upfront what i am feeling and he is good at addressing my fears and concerns.

I guess what I learned from this whole experience is that no one wants to be on the receving end of a "sham" marriage and sometimes it really does not take that much effort to make each other happy. It also take so much less emotional energy than trying to put of a "brave face" just for the sake of the children. I am saying that we wont end up divorced anyway but for now we are both taking this marriage thing seruosly and be are both better off and so are our kids.

"not saying"

What were the two minor conditions?

Couples counseling and the telephone number for the other woman. She was very nice, young and naive but nice. I spent about an hour talking to her and I am very happy that I did.

FIrst of all, kudos to you. Second, what did you talk to the young woman for an hour about and why were you happy you did?

[Anonymous]

FIrst of all, kudos to you. Second, what did you talk to the young woman for an hour about and why were you happy you did?

Yes, do tell! I am so curious how that conversation went!

[Anonymous]

I don't know where to start. Your marriage is one of the most nauseating stories I've ever read. You said you were unhappy in your marriage, and your husband got himself a young "girlfriend?" Gross. Why didn't he try to work on your marriage? Why didn't he try to get you into marriage counseling?

Instead, he found some young naive woman?

"Minor conditions" are marital therapy and contact info for your husband's young, naive lover?

I give you three more years of bliss, tops. I'm sorry, but your story is so unhealthy in every way.


You need lots and lots of individual therapy.

Wow - you are a judgmental jerk!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FIrst of all, kudos to you. Second, what did you talk to the young woman for an hour about and why were you happy you did?

Yes, do tell! I am so curious how that conversation went!

Hmm, am trying to decide whether to respond with further details and risk getting skewered, again! or stay silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Don't you think it hurts kids to have them grow up thinking marriage is a loveless exercise in endurance and having children means postponing your own happiness for decades?

No, I think it hurts kids more to shuttle between homes, have their HHI income drop precipitously, spend their holidays wishing the other parent was around, let's see, what else? Oh, pretending to "love" the new step siblings, wondering if the infant half-sibling is more cherished than they are, STILL listening to their parents bicker on the phone because that never actually stops, trying to be impossibly "good" so as not to upset the apple cart even further, wondering where the hell that Dad went ....

It's not a dumb fluke that the couples with the highest amount of education -- meaning, among other things, they read a lot and follow current research -- are the least likely to divorce and presumably therefore, the most likely to tough it out for the sake of their children.

No 8 year old wants his Mommy to Just Be Happy and Find Excitement Again with some new guy named Tim, if it means exploding a non-abusive family dynamic.

So uh, yeah, I'm trying to gut it out for my kids.

I think this is so true. My husband's parents split in circumstances like these, and I'm witnessing the years of simmering resentment his sisters have toward their mom over how she chose to leave for a douchey guy who has never loved them like his own, while their half-sibling has been treated much better than them by both their step-father and mother. If I were in a good but passionless marriage, I would absolutely stick it out for the kids.