Question for SAHMS..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


I agree. I say hire a nanny from birth to school age, after-school programs through elementary and middle, and away to boarding school for HS. Hell, if you shell out the bucks for private -they'll probably still acquire the skills needed to get into a good college; and then you can brag to your friends about how well your kids turned out. All without really having to deal with that dull, brain-rotting, mothering business!

I guess you are being sarcastic. The correct choice, of course, is just never to have kids. Because, as the previous posters said, once we have them, our biology prevents us from ignoring them. I was sure that I was capable of being a 'dad', and that by being a 'dad', I'd still be a much better mom than any of my relatives (who are abusive to their children). but, once the kid was born, I just couldn't not help it. The thought of that kids suffering and pain, that I could alleviate, just killed me.


I just now try to remember that no good deed goes unpunished, so I just get what I deserve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I agree. I say hire a nanny from birth to school age, after-school programs through elementary and middle, and away to boarding school for HS. Hell, if you shell out the bucks for private -they'll probably still acquire the skills needed to get into a good college; and then you can brag to your friends about how well your kids turned out. All without really having to deal with that dull, brain-rotting, mothering business!

I guess you are being sarcastic. The correct choice, of course, is just never to have kids. Because, as the previous posters said, once we have them, our biology prevents us from ignoring them. I was sure that I was capable of being a 'dad', and that by being a 'dad', I'd still be a much better mom than any of my relatives (who are abusive to their children). but, once the kid was born, I just couldn't not help it. The thought of that kids suffering and pain, that I could alleviate, just killed me.


I just now try to remember that no good deed goes unpunished, so I just get what I deserve

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These SAHMs lives so incredibly dull. Everyone reading this is thinking the same thing but is afraid to say it. Sorry to be so blunt.

You act as if SAHMs have never had a job. I worked for a long time and there were definitely times that was dull as well! Please do share what kind of exciting career you have that always keeps you on your toes and popping out of bed each morning.

I'm a prosecutor, putting away murderers, rapists, thiefs, drug dealers and white collar criminals. How was your day yesterday?

Oh sweet Jesus, get over your pompous self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These SAHMs lives so incredibly dull. Everyone reading this is thinking the same thing but is afraid to say it. Sorry to be so blunt.

You act as if SAHMs have never had a job. I worked for a long time and there were definitely times that was dull as well! Please do share what kind of exciting career you have that always keeps you on your toes and popping out of bed each morning.

I'm a prosecutor, putting away murderers, rapists, thiefs, drug dealers and white collar criminals. How was your day yesterday?

Oh sweet Jesus, get over your pompous self.

No kidding. Lawyers on the job are the dullest of the dull, and I say that having been one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I really enjoy having the money. So I'm glad I'm working. but not for anything would I have missed those early years being home with the kids, not if I could have helped it. I cherish those years and memories. "

And DH?

DH quite honestly wasn't much of a baby/toddler person. Of course he loved the kids incredibly from day one, but it hasn't been until they reached preschool age that he was really able to connect with them and feel comfortable doing activities with them as much as I did when they were babies and toddlers. He certainly had no interest in staying at home with them full time, although I'm sure if that had been what he had to do, he would have figured out a way to make the best of it. As it was, he was very happy that I was willing to stay home with them!

I'm a mom who's not much of a baby/toddler person and so was happy to work full time. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm the PP you were responding to -- the one who was a SAHM for 9 years, and is now back at work. Someone had asked how SAHMs feel about their time at home and being out of the workforce and all that. I responded. In my response someone asked how my DH felt about it, and that's where I said he wasn't really a baby/toddler person.

I think it's great that you PP, worked full time. I have no problems with that. I have no problems with the fact that my DH didn't SAH either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised, no... perhaps disappointed.. It's sad to see that we have such an anger towards eachother based on our choices.

It's an interesting "conversation" going on. Despite the ugly comments and name calling. It is thought provoking. I work FT but being a SAHM does NOT sound "dull" to me. It is only as dull as the SAHM makes it. Think of all the outings you could do! But then that takes $. If you are in the right situation it would be great to not have to work and spend your time doing whatever you wanted to do. But if you were taken care of and $ was not an issue, how would you spend your time? How would you NOT be dull or self indulgent to the critical DC Urban Moms watching you? Be a SAHM with a nanny, have mani/Pedi and look like A. Joli? Or would you get out there and change the world? Or do something you enjoyed but didn't pay much? Or just be Dull. Didn't know Dull could be such an ugly word!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

Yes, but that's dad not mom. Sorry men and women are not the same - there's a reason why throughout the animal kingdom the female of the species is the primary caregiver.
There, I said it.

This sounds like a HUGE justification. The fact is there are plenty of women who weren't crazy about their job or career and are happy to quit. Others feel they need to support a husband who works with long hours/travels and can't provide much day-to-day household/childcare support. Others feel overwhelmed. All good reasons to quit but saying it is biology is just wrong. Plenty of women out there being a mom and working, doing a great job at both, for many years, all over the world.

Total cop out to say "biology." And a huge insult to SAHDs, as if they are wrong or going against nature.

To put it bluntly, most dads don't MIND missing out on parts of their kids childhood the same way women do. That's not to say that the majority of dads wouldn't like to be able to spend more time with their families, but they just don't seem to have the same kind of interest and concern that women do. And please, no comments about how I must have a crappy husband. My dh is a very loving and attentive father, most of the men I know are. But out of pretty much every couple I know, regardless of whether the wife works or stays at home, the women are the ones who worry most about their kids schooling, friends, nutrition, etc. In fact, I've even seen this with a friend of mine who works and has a sah husband. Must be something to it. Just sayin'.

I get your point, but it doesn't really ring true in my family. We both work and I do tend to do more of the child care related stuff like remebering to schedule dr. appointments, researching things, etc. But my husband is infinitley more patient with a sick child than me, and is absolutely great about getting up in the night etc. I tend to worry more and he is more laid back. Frankly a lot of the stuff I worry about has proven to be a huge waste of time. I spent months researching childcare and we ended up getting into my husband's employer based daycare center which is awesome. I spent months reading up on BFing only to find I really needed to learn by practicing and working with LCs. Honestly, I remind myself every day to be more like my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

Yes, but that's dad not mom. Sorry men and women are not the same - there's a reason why throughout the animal kingdom the female of the species is the primary caregiver.
There, I said it.

This sounds like a HUGE justification. The fact is there are plenty of women who weren't crazy about their job or career and are happy to quit. Others feel they need to support a husband who works with long hours/travels and can't provide much day-to-day household/childcare support. Others feel overwhelmed. All good reasons to quit but saying it is biology is just wrong. Plenty of women out there being a mom and working, doing a great job at both, for many years, all over the world.

Total cop out to say "biology." And a huge insult to SAHDs, as if they are wrong or going against nature.

To put it bluntly, most dads don't MIND missing out on parts of their kids childhood the same way women do. That's not to say that the majority of dads wouldn't like to be able to spend more time with their families, but they just don't seem to have the same kind of interest and concern that women do. And please, no comments about how I must have a crappy husband. My dh is a very loving and attentive father, most of the men I know are. But out of pretty much every couple I know, regardless of whether the wife works or stays at home, the women are the ones who worry most about their kids schooling, friends, nutrition, etc. In fact, I've even seen this with a friend of mine who works and has a sah husband. Must be something to it. Just sayin'.

I get your point, but it doesn't really ring true in my family. We both work and I do tend to do more of the child care related stuff like remebering to schedule dr. appointments, researching things, etc. But my husband is infinitley more patient with a sick child than me, and is absolutely great about getting up in the night etc. I tend to worry more and he is more laid back. Frankly a lot of the stuff I worry about has proven to be a huge waste of time. I spent months researching childcare and we ended up getting into my husband's employer based daycare center which is awesome. I spent months reading up on BFing only to find I really needed to learn by practicing and working with LCs. Honestly, I remind myself every day to be more like my husband.

Why is it that there are never any dads who post on this site, or baby-center, or any of the myriad parenting sites? I once saw a website geared for sahd's and the forums were nothing but the wives of sahd's (generally complaining that their husbands weren't doing nearly as much as they would do in the same position) My husband does somethings with our kids better than I do as well, but it amazes me that although he is a wonderful and caring father, I will overhear him have phone conversations with friends who hasn't spoken with for a few months (who are also dads) and the subject of their kids barely comes up. Work, football, politics, but hardly a word about their kids! I couldn't imagine not mentioning my kids to a mom friend that I hadn't spoken to for months.
Somehow, I tend to think this isn't simply due to social conditioning, because the females of all species are the primary care-givers of their young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised, no... perhaps disappointed.. It's sad to see that we have such an anger towards eachother based on our choices.

It's an interesting "conversation" going on. Despite the ugly comments and name calling. It is thought provoking. I work FT but being a SAHM does NOT sound "dull" to me. It is only as dull as the SAHM makes it. Think of all the outings you could do! But then that takes $. If you are in the right situation it would be great to not have to work and spend your time doing whatever you wanted to do. But if you were taken care of and $ was not an issue, how would you spend your time? How would you NOT be dull or self indulgent to the critical DC Urban Moms watching you? Be a SAHM with a nanny, have mani/Pedi and look like A. Joli? Or would you get out there and change the world? Or do something you enjoyed but didn't pay much? Or just be Dull. Didn't know Dull could be such an ugly word!

You're right. It is interesting.. I think the discussion is good but there are some people on both ends that are just so judgemental it's rediculous. I, personally, can say, hypothetically speaking that if we had that kind of money, meaning, if we were wealthy.. I'd hire a full time housekeeper long before I ever hired a nanny.. I might perhaps hire a babysitter occassionally so I could volunteer, and I'd actually probably try to open a business of some sort that I could do out of my home. That would be when my two year old was just a little older though.. Either that, or I would go back to school, study music, something which I truly enjoy, and I would stay in school until I got my Doctorate (right now, I have an AA).. And than I would use that to teach and tutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

Yes, but that's dad not mom. Sorry men and women are not the same - there's a reason why throughout the animal kingdom the female of the species is the primary caregiver.
There, I said it.

This sounds like a HUGE justification. The fact is there are plenty of women who weren't crazy about their job or career and are happy to quit. Others feel they need to support a husband who works with long hours/travels and can't provide much day-to-day household/childcare support. Others feel overwhelmed. All good reasons to quit but saying it is biology is just wrong. Plenty of women out there being a mom and working, doing a great job at both, for many years, all over the world.

Total cop out to say "biology." And a huge insult to SAHDs, as if they are wrong or going against nature.

To put it bluntly, most dads don't MIND missing out on parts of their kids childhood the same way women do. That's not to say that the majority of dads wouldn't like to be able to spend more time with their families, but they just don't seem to have the same kind of interest and concern that women do. And please, no comments about how I must have a crappy husband. My dh is a very loving and attentive father, most of the men I know are. But out of pretty much every couple I know, regardless of whether the wife works or stays at home, the women are the ones who worry most about their kids schooling, friends, nutrition, etc. In fact, I've even seen this with a friend of mine who works and has a sah husband. Must be something to it. Just sayin'.

I get your point, but it doesn't really ring true in my family. We both work and I do tend to do more of the child care related stuff like remebering to schedule dr. appointments, researching things, etc. But my husband is infinitley more patient with a sick child than me, and is absolutely great about getting up in the night etc. I tend to worry more and he is more laid back. Frankly a lot of the stuff I worry about has proven to be a huge waste of time. I spent months researching childcare and we ended up getting into my husband's employer based daycare center which is awesome. I spent months reading up on BFing only to find I really needed to learn by practicing and working with LCs. Honestly, I remind myself every day to be more like my husband.

This is us also.. I do all of the general caregiving, and most of what comes with caring for children in our home, however, when my daughter is sick, or ifweare travelling and she doesn't want to/WON'T sleep.. my husband is far more patient and deals with these things far better in that regard. I'm great at dealing with the day to day.. I'm even ok with my daughter when she's sick, wiping noses, being puked on, etc.. but my husband is FAR more patient and deals with it far better when things get really hard. It's moments like those, that I realize this is why God gives children two parents.. We balance each other out in most regards and that's what matters I think.. Not who does what, or who's better at what, but that you work together and get the job done well..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These SAHMs lives so incredibly dull. Everyone reading this is thinking the same thing but is afraid to say it. Sorry to be so blunt.

You act as if SAHMs have never had a job. I worked for a long time and there were definitely times that was dull as well! Please do share what kind of exciting career you have that always keeps you on your toes and popping out of bed each morning.

I'm a prosecutor, putting away murderers, rapists, thiefs, drug dealers and white collar criminals. How was your day yesterday?

Funny, I was a white collar criminal defense attorney. We thought most of you couldn't litigate your way out of a paper bag and that your jobs must be terribly dull after a year or so. Different strokes, I guess!

[Anonymous]

11:12, my marriage "skirts" those roles in that both parents WOH and I'm not necessarily the more nurturing parent (I'm the mom). Your statements are way overgeneralized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:12, my marriage "skirts" those roles in that both parents WOH and I'm not necessarily the more nurturing parent (I'm the mom). Your statements are way overgeneralized.

You're the exception not the rule. Everyone, including the 11:12 poster gets that there are men who are more nurturing than women. Is it really so dang blasted necessary whenever one makes a generalized statement to have to include the "of course this doesn't apply to everyone" comment? Is it ok to assume that people are mature enough to realize that everyone knows there are exceptions; we're talking about what's true for the majority here.

[Anonymous]

What is all this about "taking care of the house"? I really don't understand how people honestly spend so much of their days cleaning. My house is clean / ordered, and umm, taken care of? and I am still able to work FT and parent too w/o a maid. Pin a star on me?

[Anonymous]

"Anonymous wrote:
11:12, my marriage "skirts" those roles in that both parents WOH and I'm not necessarily the more nurturing parent (I'm the mom). Your statements are way overgeneralized."

___________________________________

"You're the exception not the rule."

How do you know?