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Question for SAHMS..
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Anonymous
| I'm sorry but being interested in train wreck threads that always get crazy (WM/SAHM) is not indicative of good parenting. I would argue getting caught up in DCUM signals you need improvement as a parent - it shows a defensiveness my husband doesn't have. |
Anonymous
Ok, well then screw DCUM. How about nice, benign parenting sites like Babycenter? Is there no signifigance in the fact that fathers don't post there as well? |
Anonymous
No. I know plenty of moms who don't waste their time on the internet discussing motherhood. My husband doesn't go on any chat sites...but he has gone online looking up plenty of information on child issues. He also read plenty of books prior to becoming a dad, and attended classes with me. I'm just not convinced that the fact that men don't tend to want to chat with strangers about babies and kids means they are less devoted parents. And I've been on babycenter and other sites, and some of the women are truly scary. Their whole identity is being "wife to X and mom to Y and Z" and they have nothing else going on. I prefer DCUM because there seem to be a higher concentration of interesting, intelligent women who have lives outside of being a wife and mom, whether they work or whether they stay home and are involved in other things. But the fact they are on DCUM or other sites doesn't make them better moms than the women who can't stand these sites. |
Anonymous
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This also means that you had no passion for what you did - as in your career. I spend time with my kids - and yes, I rush around, too. But I love my job. It's important to me and to society. Walking around from that would be difficult as it does define a part of who I am. My children do, too, but again, they only define a portion of who I am.
So I suppose I accept the rushing around b/c I am not willing to push aside my job.
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Anonymous
Let me beat the grammar police - "Walking AWAY from that . . ."
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Anonymous
Maybe she did have passion for her career, only now she has more passion for her children. |
Anonymous
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You can't have both?
That's what I'm saying. If you love your career, having kids shouldn't overshadow that, as what you do highlights part of who you are - interesting strengths, for example, that you wouldn't be using staying home. But if you never loved your job, there is no drive to continue once kids come along. I'll bet that MOST SAHMS (with the exception of those who have chidlren with emotional or physical issues) either never liked their jobs, never had a career, or were burning out - and COULD leave b/c their spouses were making enough to cover all expenses.
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Anonymous
Actually, I loved my career, and was highly successful at it. And I will be again. Right now, though, I love being home with our kids. That you cannot imagine a highly successful person choosing to live life in a different way for a while is incredibly closed-minded. In my most recent position, I led a team of about 15 lawyers. We worked on matters around the clock at an international organization. I was integrally involved in policy issued I cared (and still care) about, and felt that my work was socially valuable. At my level, and in the managerial role I enjoy most, there was not a lot of room for balance, and my family got he short end of the stick. That wasn't acceptable to me, so I decided to stay home. At first, it felt like a good decision for my kids and husband, but it turns out that I have benefited even more than they have. I feel that I know and understand our kids much better, that our family life is much more peaceful and engaging. We see more of our friends, and I've spent a lot more time with my aging parents. It's a completely different kind of "passion" than what I have for my work, and I enjoy being able to experience this time with my family and friends. It might not be the right thing for you, but don't make assumptions about the "passion" of others based on your own internal psyche. |
Anonymous
I would add there are some who probably did love their career, were not burned out, but were in fields or organizations that offered no flexibility. I love my job and it makes sense for me to work, but if I had to consistently work 50 or god forbid 70 hours a week, or if I had to travel a lot, I wouldn't last if we could afford it. I am lucky that I'm in a field that may not pay great but has sane hours and good flexibility. |
Anonymous
Right. It's secretly a little bit of disrespect that you don't want to work harder. |
Anonymous
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"Same reason why I chose to SAH too! I want to enjoy this time with my children and not rush around.
AKA - I am lazy. |
Anonymous
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"I would add there are some who probably did love their career, were not burned out, but were in fields or organizations that offered no flexibility. I love my job and it makes sense for me to work, but if I had to consistently work 50 or god forbid 70 hours a week, or if I had to travel a lot, I wouldn't last if we could afford it. I am lucky that I'm in a field that may not pay great but has sane hours and good flexibility. "
Why would any woman who thought she wanted kids lock herself into a type of work where there's no balance available? That's not very good planning. I stopped being a mergers and acquisitions lawyer once I realized that doing that type of work wasn't compatible for me with parenting. |
Anonymous
Because she realizes that she good enough and has a strong enough reputation to leave and re-enter the workforce easily? Because she has every reason to believe she will be the primary (or at least a necessary) earner and then her husband kicks ass at work and her income is no longer necessary? Because she knows that she can live a meaningful life while working or while at home and so chooses the profession she likes best knowing that staying home is also an appealing option for her? Just a few alternatives that don't reflect bad planning at all. Are you really that unaware that people may be in situations different from yours? |
Anonymous
Agree - what a silly, stupid question. I am in the workforce (have never stayed home and don't plan to) and am hugely supportive of WOHMs, but I know people and can gasp, imagine other situations, where people are pushed out of the workforce. This is a great report on the matter: http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/47131/optoutorpushedoutreportfinal.pdf It shows that the opt out revelution was a myth and that often many women are pushed out of the workforce. A number of factors can contribute to this - maybe your husband's career took off in a way that was unexpected, your organization can be unflexible and it can take time to find a new job and you really can't tell if something is flexible until you work there. |
Anonymous
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1.) How many hours does your husband work per week? * 40 to 50, with frequent out of state travel (he works from home otherwise) 2.) Does he work a 9-5/something similar, or does he do shift work * Works from home, and he sets his own hours more or less. So it's usually from 5 am to 4pm. 3.)What kinds of things does he do around the house? What are his jobs? * His regular jobs are making dinner; groc shopping for dinner (I do almost all other groc shopping or at least get him a list); taking trash cans to the curb; anything technology related; occasionally doing dishes (not as thoroughly as I do, mind you) if I'm putting kids to bed; and any of his own ironing. He does NOT do-- Laundry, windows, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms (even his own stuff), or any other "fussy" housework. 4.)What does your typical day look like? * I have a 4 month old and a 3.5 year old preschooler, so: 7 or 8 am, kids downstairs; preschooler gets cereal for breakfast while I nurse baby. 8:30 to 11 am, any combination of reading to 3.5 year old, picking up the house, trying to get a load of laundry in, maybe running the vacuum; etc, interspersed with nursing baby, putting her down for 15-45 minute naps (maddening!), and playing with baby. Basically, I get "nothing done" in the morning. 11 am: preschooler starts lunch. 11:40: preschooler gets dressed for preschool. noon: out the door to walk or drive to preschool. 12:30 to 1:45: mom exercises and showers 1:45 to 3: repeat of trying to do housework + tend to baby (nurse, mininap) or speed through an errand out of house, hoping infant doesn't cry. 3pm: pick up preschooler 3:30 to 5: afternoon activity with preschooler (e.g., playdate, library, playground, baking, art, etc) or else come home and try to get more housework done while also tending to baby (nurse, nap, play). 5:30ish: Husband presents dinner. 5:35: infant cries to be fed.  No kidding! Always right when we're ready to eat!!!
6:30 someone does dishes (usu me) while hubs plays with kid(s) 7:50 bedtime routine starts for preschooler. One of us attends to her, sometimes me if baby isn't being fussy. 8:30 preschooler asleep, and usually the parent who lay down with her to "talk about her day" is also asleep. So the awake parents gets the asleep parent out of the preschooler's bed.
8:30 to 9:30: I may still be trying to get baby down, cleaning up toys (because I hate to come down and see a messy house in the morning), and mabe fold laundry or something while watching TV with hubs.
10pm: Wipeout! Basically, housework gets the short shrift. 5.)Do you outsource anything? If so, what? *preschool *lawn/landscape service * I may ask for occasional housekeeping help, too hust once or twice a month so I can get to stuff on the household list like sort through kids clothing, organize laundry room, and stuff like that without being pulled away to do the time consuming everyday stuff. Note: The time consuming every day stuff would otherwise probably take me 3-4 hours to do. But add kids, and it takes three to ten times as long. No kidding. I'm sorry if this is nosy.. I have personal reasons for trying to understand these things about other families.. I'm sure there will be negative comments for whatever reason, but I appreciate the comments that are helpful. Thank you in advance for your help. |