Question for SAHMS..

[Anonymous]

Boring one pays $180,000, I meant.

[Anonymous]

"You'll get plenty of adult time and mental stimulation once your children are spending their entire awaking hours outside of the house at school and with friends wanting nothing to do with you. "

Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You'll get plenty of adult time and mental stimulation once your children are spending their entire awaking hours outside of the house at school and with friends wanting nothing to do with you. "

Huh?

What you didn't get, honey?

[Anonymous]

OP here...

Please... I did not want to start a WOTH vs. SAHM debate. For Working moms, you are doing what your family has agreed is best. Whether you need the money, are a primary breadwinner, or just feel that you're a better parent because you have the time outside of the home or certainly the additional opportunities that may come from the second income, I truly believe that you are the majority now... Some SAHMs (myself included) would end up working to pay only for daycare, and therefore it wouldn't help us out in any way to work.

SAHMs.. our job isn't easy! But let's face it, in this day and age, not everyone has this opportunity, and it's not best for everyone. Do you ever condemn your husbands for the hours that he's away from your child? I sincerely hope that you would never do that! So why are we doing it to other women who for whatever reason, (and I'm sure there are many) NEED to work?! Even if it is a choice and not necessarily a need, don't you think that when making this decision they considered all that would be best for their families?

We try to raise our children (I hope) not to be judgemental. What kind of example are we setting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is not to say at all that everyone's job is dull, but my personality and my interests led me to find it much more confining and repetitive than I liked. I much prefer the freedom of being able to pursue and think about whatever I like. (And maybe when the baby is in school I'll return to a less structured job that reflects those interests more.) "

But having that freedom often means yout get paid less. It's no biggie if you're talking about a $100,000 office job versus a $80,000 community job, but I'll take boring if the interesting job pays $45,000 a year and the interesting one pays $180,000.

Yup, many people would. I had a boring high-paying job and much prefer it this way even without the money. Especially having learned how great the alternative is, we would have to really need the income (not just want more money because it would make some things more convenient or afford us more luxuries) for me to go back to an office job. And, that's the agreement we have: no stress about it because both DH and I know that we will both do what we need to for our family. Right now, he has a job he loves that pays enough for me to not have a job, which I also love.

If it helps, think of me as the person in the office who would pay in to retire as early as possible and never look back. Other people are of the type who will be there until 75 and/or "retiring" in order to turn around and take another job in their field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

Well he feels like he misses out, because he does. But it doesn't worry him because the children are with a parent. Are your children with a parent all day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

Well he feels like he misses out, because he does. But it doesn't worry him because the children are with a parent. Are your children with a parent all day?

Agreed...my husband remarks all the time about how he misses out on the fun activities we do during the day. I send him pictures sometimes which he loves. Like the PP said, he does not worry as much because he knows she is with me.

[Anonymous]

1.) How many hours does your husband work per week? 45-50, plus a 45 minute commute each way (so he's gone from 8 to 7:30)

2.) Does he work a 9-5/something similar, or does he do shift work? he's an attorney, so more like 9 to 5

3.)What kinds of things does he do around the house? What are his jobs? he takes out trash and recycling weekly, does his own laundry, does a lot of the grocery shopping and cooking on weekends, does a lot of the gardening work, and helps out with dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. He also takes care of changing the kids' sheets and does bedtime for the older child (which doesn't sound like much but it takes an hour!), as well as any home repair work that we don't outsource. I do most of the laundry, diaper changing, feeding, meal preparation on weeknights, and all the organizational stuff -- paying bills and other financial management duties, meal planning and grocery list making, making doctors' appointments, scheduling home repairs etc.

4.)What does your typical day look like? get up around 7, make kids breakfast, change younger one's diaper and get them both dressed, morning activities (usually not structured, so going to the playground, playing with toys, reading books, watching a video, doing puzzles or painting with watercolors, playdoh or coloring are all possibilities), lunch around noon, then naps. After naps, more of the above activities, some days a bath, then a video while I make dinner, dinner at 7:30, then pajamas and playtime with Daddy, then bed at 8:30. After kids are in bed, I usually finish cleaning up the kitchen and then read before bed. DH watches TV before bed.

5.)Do you outsource anything? If so, what? We just started a once a month deep cleaning and I wish we could have it every 2 weeks, it is such a load off. Little kids make a lot of messes and get a house dirty really fast! We outsource some home repairs, but anything that we can do ourselves, we do. (Well, DH usually does ... he is definitely the handy person in our house).

In general, yes, I am happy with the decision to be a SAHM. The career I had before I had my first was not fulfilling to me nor was I particularly good at it. So, a bad career choice combined with my feeling that it is better for my kids to have one parent around all the time made it a no-brainer once we were able to afford for me to stay home. I did work for a while after having both of them, and I hated it and missed them all the time. Because of long commutes, I felt like I didn't see much of them, and that just felt so wrong to me. Plus I was always stressing about making it to pick them up on time and dealing with all that traffic was hell. It is certainly challenging to be home with them in a way that work was not challenging ... they try my patience, they make lots of messes necessitating lots of cleaning, days are very repetitive, I don't do as much as I feel I should in terms of being the perfect SAHM, as I'm honestly not that great with kids as a general matter ... yet, I prefer things this way, and so do they. There are a lot of beautiful moments sprinkled in amongst the drudgery that make it worthwhile for me.

I get plenty of intellectual stimulation from reading and the internet, so I do not feel a lack there. I'm sure there are some jobs that provide this, but many don't, and I always preferred to choose what to think and read about, so it works for me. If I do go back to work at some point, it will be in a different career from what I was doing before, so I do not think I will regret my time out of the work force. My mother worked, and because of our personalities I think that was probably the better choice for her to have made. I don't see why it always has to turn into a flame war on this issue. People do what works for them. I don't have any judgment toward working moms, I just prefer to SAH. Other moms prefer to work, or work out of necessity. We are all just trying to be the best parents we can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have to wonder, when a working parent asks a question like this, if they've actually ever spent 10 hours taking care of a one and three year old? Self-indulgent? It is not easy to care for small children all day, and certainly not an opportunity for me to be 'self-indulgent.' Well, certainly not any more than I was at work, where I could frequently take breaks throughout the day to compose my thoughts, went to the bathroom by myself, ate lunch when I wanted to, took a walk if I wanted to, stayed late if I wanted to etc.... Not that I am suggesting working is self-indulgent, but SAH isn't necessarily either. You're post has judgement written all over it. Why do you frown upon people who make different choices than you? Do you appreciate it if a SAH parent "frowns" upon your choice to outsource the care of your children to other people? After all, you ARE missing out on a big chunk of their childhood, like it or not. You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

OMG talk about taking it personally! I was honestly wondering, sorry I didn't soften up the language enough for you. When I can get past the defensiveness, I think you bring some interesting perspective to this. Maternity leave was not easy, and that was with just 1 child. I think something I like best about work is being able to do what I want, grab a cofee, take a long lunch, maybe even go to the gym if I'm lucky. If I stayed at home with my child I think I would have eventually not been happy. Every day I see how DC has grown and yes it is with spending the majority of the child's day in daycare, that I pay a pretty penny for. Different strokes for different folks. I guess my questions are better targeted for the woman who is a SAHM and also has a nanny. I happen to know one. Must be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have to wonder, when a working parent asks a question like this, if they've actually ever spent 10 hours taking care of a one and three year old? Self-indulgent? It is not easy to care for small children all day, and certainly not an opportunity for me to be 'self-indulgent.' Well, certainly not any more than I was at work, where I could frequently take breaks throughout the day to compose my thoughts, went to the bathroom by myself, ate lunch when I wanted to, took a walk if I wanted to, stayed late if I wanted to etc.... Not that I am suggesting working is self-indulgent, but SAH isn't necessarily either. You're post has judgement written all over it. Why do you frown upon people who make different choices than you? Do you appreciate it if a SAH parent "frowns" upon your choice to outsource the care of your children to other people? After all, you ARE missing out on a big chunk of their childhood, like it or not. You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

OMG talk about taking it personally! I was honestly wondering, sorry I didn't soften up the language enough for you. When I can get past the defensiveness, I think you bring some interesting perspective to this. Maternity leave was not easy, and that was with just 1 child. I think something I like best about work is being able to do what I want, grab a cofee, take a long lunch, maybe even go to the gym if I'm lucky. If I stayed at home with my child I think I would have eventually not been happy. Every day I see how DC has grown and yes it is with spending the majority of the child's day in daycare, that I pay a pretty penny for. Different strokes for different folks. I guess my questions are better targeted for the woman who is a SAHM and also has a nanny. I happen to know one. Must be nice.

That's a different ballgame.. Oh my goodness.. as a SAHM, if I had a nanny, it'd probably be nice at first, but it'd drive me crazy eventually...

[Anonymous]

Come on, PP, admit to us that your feet would be gorgeous, your body could rival Anjelina Jolie's, and your hands could wear Princess Diana's ring - all this IF you were at SAHM with a nanny.

Just admit it!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have to wonder, when a working parent asks a question like this, if they've actually ever spent 10 hours taking care of a one and three year old? Self-indulgent? It is not easy to care for small children all day, and certainly not an opportunity for me to be 'self-indulgent.' Well, certainly not any more than I was at work, where I could frequently take breaks throughout the day to compose my thoughts, went to the bathroom by myself, ate lunch when I wanted to, took a walk if I wanted to, stayed late if I wanted to etc.... Not that I am suggesting working is self-indulgent, but SAH isn't necessarily either. You're post has judgement written all over it. Why do you frown upon people who make different choices than you? Do you appreciate it if a SAH parent "frowns" upon your choice to outsource the care of your children to other people? After all, you ARE missing out on a big chunk of their childhood, like it or not. You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

OMG talk about taking it personally! I was honestly wondering, sorry I didn't soften up the language enough for you. When I can get past the defensiveness, I think you bring some interesting perspective to this. Maternity leave was not easy, and that was with just 1 child. I think something I like best about work is being able to do what I want, grab a cofee, take a long lunch, maybe even go to the gym if I'm lucky. If I stayed at home with my child I think I would have eventually not been happy. Every day I see how DC has grown and yes it is with spending the majority of the child's day in daycare, that I pay a pretty penny for. Different strokes for different folks. I guess my questions are better targeted for the woman who is a SAHM and also has a nanny. I happen to know one. Must be nice.

That's a different ballgame.. Oh my goodness.. as a SAHM, if I had a nanny, it'd probably be nice at first, but it'd drive me crazy eventually...

[Anonymous]

My mom regrets giving up her government job when I was born.

So there's really no point in arguing about this.

btw - I work.

Anonymous wrote:12:38 here again. And one of the strongest factors in my decision was to watch my mom cry while Skyping with us early on.

She went back to work very soon and regrets it 'till this day.

She sings with DC on Skype and DC claps, she's noticed DC getting the first teeth, saying the first words and she cries her eyes out saying she either doesn't remember or didn't enjoy this time when I was a baby and she regrets it. There's no adult time or mental stimulation that will make up for the lost time. You'll get plenty of adult time and mental stimulation once your children are spending their entire awaking hours outside of the house at school and with friends wanting nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

"Come on, PP, admit to us that your feet would be gorgeous, your body could rival Anjelina Jolie's, and your hands could wear Princess Diana's ring - all this IF you were at SAHM with a nanny.

Just admit it!!!"

Maybe, but then 20 years down the road your boobs are sagging anyway and you either have wrinkles or have been so over-botoxed you look like a clown, and you have no career or child rearing days to look back on.

Too high of a price for me. And Angelina is bony and I personally think I have a better body than her, and I'm WOHM. But she does have a gorgeous face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi there, I am just curious of a few things.. I have a few questions that I'd really appreciate honest answers for.

1.) How many hours does your husband work per week? 60

2.) Does he work a 9-5/something similar, or does he do shift work 9-5, in theory of course.

3.)What kinds of things does he do around the house? What are his jobs? Helps with the kids in the am. Does some yard work. Not too much actually.

4.)What does your typical day look like? Drop off three kids to three different schools, throw in laundry, do the kitchen, do some bills, work out, schedule appts, take kids to appts, do my work (I'm a freelance photog), at 2:30 begin the pick up cycle, then homework, dinner, bath and bed for three kids. Then sometimes finish up a project, or just veg and watch tv.

5.)Do you outsource anything? If so, what? House cleaner 2x per mo, occasionally yard work.

My household just runs more smoothly if I'm around. I can't command the kind of salary it would take to outsource all I do. I like making my own schedule, but I would love to get rid of some of the drudgery (ie- the non-kid aspects)

I'm sorry if this is nosy.. I have personal reasons for trying to understand these things about other families.. I'm sure there will be negative comments for whatever reason, but I appreciate the comments that are helpful. Thank you in advance for your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom regrets giving up her government job when I was born.

So there's really no point in arguing about this.

btw - I work.

Anonymous wrote:12:38 here again. And one of the strongest factors in my decision was to watch my mom cry while Skyping with us early on.

She went back to work very soon and regrets it 'till this day.

She sings with DC on Skype and DC claps, she's noticed DC getting the first teeth, saying the first words and she cries her eyes out saying she either doesn't remember or didn't enjoy this time when I was a baby and she regrets it. There's no adult time or mental stimulation that will make up for the lost time. You'll get plenty of adult time and mental stimulation once your children are spending their entire awaking hours outside of the house at school and with friends wanting nothing to do with you.

Maybe you were really a difficult child and not worth your mom's career.