Question for SAHMS..

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I am just curious of a few things.. I have a few questions that I'd really appreciate honest answers for.

1.) How many hours does your husband work per week?
It varies. During the slow season it can be down to 30 and when things are booming he can work upwards of 60.

2.) Does he work a 9-5/something similar, or does he do shift work
He's in construction. Things are pretty busy, so he's typically gone by 6 and gets home around 3 or 4. If he's on call he might be home around noon and then have to go back out for a few hours around 2 or 3.

3.)What kinds of things does he do around the house? What are his jobs?
Yard work, trash, he'll do dishes unless he's dead tired, and he does bedtime for our oldest.

4.)What does your typical day look like?
DH wakes up at 5 and is incapable of getting up without hitting sleep twice. I get up around 7ish have coffee and make breakfast. Roust kids out of bed and let them eat and watch tv while I shower. Drop off #1 at his preschool. M/W/F I take #2 to his preschool/therapy group which lasts till 11.30ish. Tuesday mornings I go grocery shopping with #2. Every other Thursday we have speech therapy with the county in the morning. On off Thursdays its Target (I use their storebrand diapers and wipes). Either way by 11.45 its rush to pick up #1 at preschool by 12. Monday and Thursday afternoon we have private speech therapy at 12.45. Then its the park or somewhere inside for at least an hour. Every other friday we have Occupational Therapy with the county again. Naptime (or dance around and throw shit out my cribtime for #2) is by 3. Do some chores and maybe start dinner (if it's something that needs to cook forever) while it's quiet. DH is usually home by 5 at the latest. Roust kids up if they haven't woken up at 6. Turn on Baby Crack and start dinner if I haven't already. Eat at 6.30 to 7ish. Take kids out and run them around the backyard or the park until 8. Then it's bath for 30 minutes and lights out by 8.45.... on a good day.
5.)Do you outsource anything? If so, what?
Dry cleaning. If visitors are coming to stay for awhile, I'll splurge on a housecleaning. Otherwise, we can't afford it.

I'm sorry if this is nosy.. I have personal reasons for trying to understand these things about other families.. I'm sure there will be negative comments for whatever reason, but I appreciate the comments that are helpful. Thank you in advance for your help.

I don't mind. I'm just curious to hear why you're interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:47 So petty! You'll need more than a job to be an attractive person.

7:47 may be spot on with the marriage thing - "He travels for a living - so he is out of the house from Sun night to late thursday night"

How is THAT a marriage?

And don't give me that "It works for OUR family" crap.

What works for her family isn't any of your business is it? She wasn't even talking to you or inviting you to tell her the *right* way to have a marriage, she was simply answering OP's questions. Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are mean poster 7:47.

Kinda mean, but kinda funny

[Anonymous]

I remember feeling like I wanted to be a SAHM when I had my newborn but returned to work. I could have been a SAHM if I wanted it badly enough, but I like getting a paycheck, and I like having a career and identity outside of family life. I think it was better for my marriage, too. For those of us who returned to work and are successful it is sometimes easy to frown upon others who did not take the same route.

SAHMs, are you happy with your decision? What will you do when the children are in school full time? Do you plan to ever return to the work world and are you concerned with being left behind by the younger people who would then be your competition? When you look back over the years will you feel like you've had years of self indulgence, lived the good life, are happy about how you spent your time or feel like you could have done more? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:47 So petty! You'll need more than a job to be an attractive person.

7:47 may be spot on with the marriage thing - "He travels for a living - so he is out of the house from Sun night to late thursday night"

How is THAT a marriage?

And don't give me that "It works for OUR family" crap.

What works for her family isn't any of your business is it? She wasn't even talking to you or inviting you to tell her the *right* way to have a marriage, she was simply answering OP's questions. Mind your own business.

I can back up 7:47 if I feel like it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all for indulging my curiousities. The reason I am asking, is because I am also a SAHM, but one who's life seems a little crazy.. My husband really doesn't do much of anything, but he also works 60-70 hours weekly on an overnight shift. So I guess I just wanted to compare to see what other husbands were working as opposed to what they were doing around the house. It always seems that husbands are able to be more involved.. but my husband works a little more than the norm, and a funny shift, (when he is not working or commuting to said job, he is sleeping) so it looks like perhaps I'm right in not asking him to do a whole lot more.. I didn't want to word my question in that way initially because I just saw that being flamed, and figured if I asked in this way, I would get more honest answers for comparison, and I did, and I thank you all for letting me into your worlds a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi there, I am just curious of a few things.. I have a few questions that I'd really appreciate honest answers for.

1.) How many hours does your husband work per week?

2.) Does he work a 9-5/something similar, or does he do shift work

3.)What kinds of things does he do around the house? What are his jobs?

4.)What does your typical day look like?

5.)Do you outsource anything? If so, what?

I'm sorry if this is nosy.. I have personal reasons for trying to understand these things about other families.. I'm sure there will be negative comments for whatever reason, but I appreciate the comments that are helpful. Thank you in advance for your help.

(1) 40
(2) 7:30am-4pm; he gets up at 5:30am and is home around 5pm
(3) Whatever needs to be done. We don't each have specific jobs, with the exception that I sort the mail and pay the bills. It typically breaks out that he washes dishes that don't go in the dishwasher and loads the dishwasher (I run and unload); he gets the groceries (I used to do this entirely before the baby came and will probably return to doing so when the baby is older; right now the baby needs me in the evenings so he usually runs out then); I do all the cooking; we both do laundry but I typically wash and he folds and/or puts away; we both take out trash/recycling, but I usually gather it from around the house during the day and he walks it out to the can in the evening; he mows the lawn (I used to do this, too, pre-pregnancy and baby because of his allergies) and does major weeding, but I do everything else in the garden/yard; we share vacuuming and dusting; he cleans the bathrooms; I water the plants.
(4) I get up with the baby around 7am; change him, feed him, and put him down on the living room floor to play while I get breakfast and a cup of tea; nurse and put him down for a nap around 9am; shower while he naps and do stuff around the house depending on how long the nap is (throw in laundry, clean up kitchen, load/unload dishwasher, sort mail or bills or anything left over from the day before, check/return emails and phone calls, etc.); change him, nurse him, and put him back down to play or go out for a walk or to meet with other parents/babies (depending on the weather); he goes back down for a nap anywhere from 12-2pm depending on how long the morning nap was; make and eat lunch while he naps and make his food if it's a day for that; change him, feed him his solid meal, go out for another walk or sit on the porch with toys (depending on the weather), or read books until DH gets home; DH takes him and they play while I prep dinner or we all sit together and discuss whatever needs to be handled with the house (or just decompress); eat dinner all together if the timing works out or I eat something while DH gives the baby a bath, changes him to PJs and reads books; DH then eats or relaxes while I nurse him to sleep, between 7pm and 8pm depending on how tired/cranky he is; we then do whatever needs to be done for the next day (trash/recycling out, laundry or dishes, making DH's lunch and setting up the coffee pot for the morning, paying bills, etc.) and get about an hour to ourselves to do our own thing before going up to bed.
(5) We outsource window cleaning (once/year) and will probably move to outsourcing house cleaning (2x/month) whenever we can get the house into shape for that to be realistic. We also outsource exterior house painting, roof repair, electrical work, and brick repair. We do nearly everything else on the house ourselves (interior painting, minor plumbing, wall repairs).

I completely agree with the people who do not need an office job to be intellectually stimulated. I found work (even in high-powered "stimulating" workplaces and professions) to be dull and eventually monotonous. I also volunteer as an officer or chair of two local civic groups and organize a number of community activities. I read regularly (during my down time at night), research, and talk to other interesting people about the things I care about. Work in an office was same shit, different day; work in my community may be the same people but the issues are always changing. I also find it much more challenging to research and create an attractive native garden (for example) than anything I ever did at work.

This is not to say at all that everyone's job is dull, but my personality and my interests led me to find it much more confining and repetitive than I liked. I much prefer the freedom of being able to pursue and think about whatever I like. (And maybe when the baby is in school I'll return to a less structured job that reflects those interests more.)

[Anonymous]

OP again, to answer 11:47's question, for the most part, We are all happy with my decision. It's a little lonely sometimes for me, and that second income would probably help a little bit, but as I said above, my husband works a lot of hours 9 (plus a 45 min commute each way) and if I worked, he might never see either of us, and as 7:47 said, I don't think that would be much of a marriage.. for us, this works.. I also allow my husband to sleep as much as possible (make his food, pack his lunch, lay out work clothes, etc etc..) and I may not be able to do that if I were working when he had to get ready for work.. When our daughter starts school, I fully intend on working full time. We are going to move this year, and once we do, I am probably going to start looking for part time work (going to try REALLY hard to find something I can do from home) to pad our bank account a bit, but for now this works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember feeling like I wanted to be a SAHM when I had my newborn but returned to work. I could have been a SAHM if I wanted it badly enough, but I like getting a paycheck, and I like having a career and identity outside of family life. I think it was better for my marriage, too. For those of us who returned to work and are successful it is sometimes easy to frown upon others who did not take the same route.

SAHMs, are you happy with your decision? What will you do when the children are in school full time? Do you plan to ever return to the work world and are you concerned with being left behind by the younger people who would then be your competition? When you look back over the years will you feel like you've had years of self indulgence, lived the good life, are happy about how you spent your time or feel like you could have done more? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

I am happy with my decision...my DD is a young toddler and we hope to have more children in the future. Therefore, I will not be returning to work full-time for awhile. (Although, I am one of the PPs who works out of the house part-time.)

I can promise you that I will not look back over the years and feel like I have had years of self-indulgence! I was MUCH more self-indulgent when I worked full time. For many of us, staying at home is not an indulgence because our husband makes tons of money. I loved my job but it paid very little and I would have literally been working to pay for quality daycare. Although, days like today when I feel terrible and would have called in to work, I wish I could send my DD to daycare!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember feeling like I wanted to be a SAHM when I had my newborn but returned to work. I could have been a SAHM if I wanted it badly enough, but I like getting a paycheck, and I like having a career and identity outside of family life. I think it was better for my marriage, too. For those of us who returned to work and are successful it is sometimes easy to frown upon others who did not take the same route.

SAHMs, are you happy with your decision? What will you do when the children are in school full time? Do you plan to ever return to the work world and are you concerned with being left behind by the younger people who would then be your competition? When you look back over the years will you feel like you've had years of self indulgence, lived the good life, are happy about how you spent your time or feel like you could have done more? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

I have to wonder, when a working parent asks a question like this, if they've actually ever spent 10 hours taking care of a one and three year old? Self-indulgent? It is not easy to care for small children all day, and certainly not an opportunity for me to be 'self-indulgent.' Well, certainly not any more than I was at work, where I could frequently take breaks throughout the day to compose my thoughts, went to the bathroom by myself, ate lunch when I wanted to, took a walk if I wanted to, stayed late if I wanted to etc.... Not that I am suggesting working is self-indulgent, but SAH isn't necessarily either. You're post has judgement written all over it. Why do you frown upon people who make different choices than you? Do you appreciate it if a SAH parent "frowns" upon your choice to outsource the care of your children to other people? After all, you ARE missing out on a big chunk of their childhood, like it or not. You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? Not trying to be negative, just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:47 So petty! You'll need more than a job to be an attractive person.

7:47 may be spot on with the marriage thing - "He travels for a living - so he is out of the house from Sun night to late thursday night"

How is THAT a marriage?

And don't give me that "It works for OUR family" crap.

We live this life (I'm the first responder) and it does work for us. We talk a way more than people that sleep together every night. He calls, we spend at least 1 hour over the phone or Skype. He asks about my day, we do mushy mushy talk, DC laughs and sings with him and when he's home I don't do ANYTHING. The guy really takes over. He's a blessing in my life and right now we just have to do this.

The regulations of the immigration process in this country are obligating us to live this way. I'm not allowed to work and he's not allowed to have a local job if we want to stay here legally. Together we're not allowed anywhere else. It sucks, I sure wish we could be closer but we just have to do what we have to do.

What makes you believe you have the authority to judge what works for others? You sound very silly. What a fool!

[Anonymous]

"This is not to say at all that everyone's job is dull, but my personality and my interests led me to find it much more confining and repetitive than I liked. I much prefer the freedom of being able to pursue and think about whatever I like. (And maybe when the baby is in school I'll return to a less structured job that reflects those interests more.) "

But having that freedom often means yout get paid less. It's no biggie if you're talking about a $100,000 office job versus a $80,000 community job, but I'll take boring if the interesting job pays $45,000 a year and the interesting one pays $180,000.

[Anonymous]

"When you look back over the years will you feel like you've had years of self indulgence, lived the good life, are happy about how you spent your time or feel like you could have done more?"

No.one.can.predict.the.future.

[Anonymous]

"You are probably gone 40 to 50 hours a week, and alot of growth and development goes on in that time in those early years and you are simply not there for it. Does that worry you a great deal? "

Does that worry DH?

[Anonymous]

12:38 here again. And one of the strongest factors in my decision was to watch my mom cry while Skyping with us early on.

She went back to work very soon and regrets it 'till this day.

She sings with DC on Skype and DC claps, she's noticed DC getting the first teeth, saying the first words and she cries her eyes out saying she either doesn't remember or didn't enjoy this time when I was a baby and she regrets it. There's no adult time or mental stimulation that will make up for the lost time. You'll get plenty of adult time and mental stimulation once your children are spending their entire awaking hours outside of the house at school and with friends wanting nothing to do with you.