Reply to 3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am still kind of stuck on the idea that you think there are "popular" kids in third grade. That is not consistent with what I see in my kids' school. I know you said it is small, but still!! Pretty much all the girls in my DD's class are friends in some capacity. Pretty much all the boys, same. [/quote]

3rd was when I started noticing a “cool” girls clique at my kids’ school. And when I started to notice some girls being excluded from that group as well. I didn’t notice it with the boys at that age, just different friendships and friend groups. “Cool”/“popular” for boys seemed to start later, like 4th-5th. I think with kids hitting puberty a little earlier these days, all this stuff that was more late elementary starts a few years earlier. [/quote]

This. Just because this type of dynamic might not be noticeable in some schools does not mean it’s not a thing in others. I think we’re kidding ourselves a little bit if we’re acting like we have no idea what this could look like at the elementary school level or the impact it could have on kids. Of course it’s not a healthy dynamic — OP never said that or that she was striving for that for her daughter — but it is one that exists. [/quote]

But I still don't get what you even mean by "cool girls clique." I have a kid in 3rd grade. She is on the shy side and doesn't have a lot of friends, though she's friendly and gets along with most kids.

There are some girls in the grade who have friend groups. Often they have parents who know each other or live near each other, which facilitates stuff like frequent sleep overs and playdates. There are also some girls who I think have some extra social cache, because they are very outgoing, very pretty, have cool clothes, or get to do a lot of cool stuff (nice vacations, expensive hobbies, etc.). There is some overlap between the friend groups and the girls who have social status, but not perfect overlap. There are girls with social status who aren't part of a defined group, and there are girls who are part of a group who don't necessarily have any special status.

It would be easy for me as a parent of a somewhat shy kid who doesn't belong in either of those categories to view it as us v. them. I think that's what OP has done, and thought she'd found a partner in arms in this other family. But it's not binary. My shy kid has had playdates and positive social experiences with girls in the categories above. She also has friends outside those categories. There are certainly times when she may feel excluded because, for instance, she hears about some of the girls having frequent sleepovers she's not invited to because she doesn't live on their street and their parents aren't friends with us. But that doesn't mean they are cool and she is not. It means that sometimes friendships are based on proximity and family connections and you may be left out if you don't have those things. Not a fun thing to learn but a practical piece of information.

Writing these situations off as a "cool girls clique" and then making drama for your child because one of her friends dared to be friends with any of the girls in the "clique" is reductive and limiting and not really necessary. These kids are 8/9 years old. This isn't Heathers.[/quote]

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