Reply to 3rd grade daughter dropped by former bestie

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP back and I appreciate everyone weighing in. I swear I didn’t try to be enmeshed or overbearing or too involved or whatever - but I can see there is a flip side where lots of people could read it as just that. Fair!

For what it’s worth I haven’t texted the parents since the veryyyy beginning of the school year when I got the hint like week 2 - it’s not like I’ve been trying all year or anything. My daughter hasn’t tried to play or anything either. L just showed up to her gymnastics class a week or so ago and they had a great time, and now L is texting her phone and is seemingly nice one on one.

So just a bit of whiplash and lots of confused feelings!! [/quote]

It is understandable your daughter would have some confused feelings here. Kid friendships can change quickly, it's true, and kids can definitely feel confused. But remember this is all developmentally normal. I have a 3rd grader and a kindergartener. In kindergarten it's not uncommon for kids to say stuff like "you're not my friend anymore" or "you can't come to my birthday party" (even if said birthday is in like 8 months), and then the next have no recollection of these comments and be back to playing again. So to some extent the "whiplash" your child is experiencing is just due to the awkwardness of the totally normal see-sawing friendships of kids combined with an increasing understanding of consequences and longer memories in relationships. It's just an awkward confusing time.

However.

It should not be this confusing or feel like whiplash [I]for you[/I]. You need to cultivate the ability to float above this stuff somewhat, so that you can be the solid, steady, constant as your kid goes through this somewhat confusing time. That's your job. If you get in there and feel the same feelings of confusion and whiplash, your kid is going to feel very insecure. Instead, you have to be steady and unworried, so when she comes home from school or activities with some of these confused feelings, she knows her mom will be a solid reassurance.

One thing I would work on if I were you, and also think about teaching your daughter over time, is to take a longer view on all of this. What I hear from you is a lot of reactivity to specific incidents. You saw your DD have a fun time playing with L at gymnastics and you thought "yay! they are BFFs again!" Then you saw L tell your DD to "go away" at play practice and you thought "oh no, L is mean and this friendship is over!" It is normal for your DD to think those things, but you should be taking a longer view, so that your reaction to any of these events is more like, "boy, elementary school friendships are tough, DD is really going through it with L right now." Or "given how up and down things are with L, I think we'll focus on new experiences and groups without L this summer, so DD gets a break." Like you can observe that this is hard for her, but you don't need to be feeling those things with her. Instead, be thinking at a higher level about how you can help her through this confusing time. [/quote]

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