How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

OP, start by texting him that you’ll fly out there a day before his vacation starts and stay for the duration.

You can sort out other responsibilities later but use this as your first step.

(Don’t use the word “help” which implies it’s his responsibility)

[Anonymous]

Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

[Anonymous]

I think people have missed these parts:

OP's mom does not want her involved

Mom is abusive

Just have a care manager take over what the brother does. If the brother refuses that's his problem. if the parents refuse, call APS and let them know there is no adult available and they are refusing case management and find out what can be done to keep them safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

Don't go. If they are abusive and/or your brother is then your are entering a highly volatile situation that could turn scary. Outside professionals is the way to go. You don't want to be accused of elder abuse simply because you scream right back and you don't want to have to walk out the door and leave. Seriously, abusive elders will make false accusations. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Is there a care manager who can get things like a PT who does home visits, driver, meals, etc as needed? They can also arrange for home maintenance and even bills management. In other words, your brother does not need to do anything more than visit and check in. he does not have to do any labor. They can get your meds too and set them up in the case. Also, as mentioned, it's on him to make clear to the social worker his concerns about the home and his need to step away completely. If they think there is support they will send the elders home. if there is no support, the social worker has to ensure safety.

Op here

I'm very interested in the idea of this. I can look into it. I have several times asked about things to make things easier for my brother but have been told to stay out of it or my Mom says no. So I have a hard time dealing with stubborn peolle not interested in any outside ideas. It's like I'm being told we're only interested in letting you do what we are telling you to do and you can have no other participation in things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is there a care manager who can get things like a PT who does home visits, driver, meals, etc as needed? They can also arrange for home maintenance and even bills management. In other words, your brother does not need to do anything more than visit and check in. he does not have to do any labor. They can get your meds too and set them up in the case. Also, as mentioned, it's on him to make clear to the social worker his concerns about the home and his need to step away completely. If they think there is support they will send the elders home. if there is no support, the social worker has to ensure safety.

Op here

I'm very interested in the idea of this. I can look into it. I have several times asked about things to make things easier for my brother but have been told to stay out of it or my Mom says no. So I have a hard time dealing with stubborn peolle not interested in any outside ideas. It's like I'm being told we're only interested in letting you do what we are telling you to do and you can have no other participation in things.

Often the care managers are good at talking to the elderly in a way that makes them feel in charge and respected. I would very calmly suggest it to your brother and have a plan if the parents refuse to help get the person's foot in the door. They have to agree to meet with the person once and go from there. If your brother refuses, that's his problem and you should feel no guilt. My controlling and hostile sibling who wasn't doing much, wanted everything done in a specific way that would make me suffer as much as possible and was not open to solutions. It's like too bad...here's the CM. You don't need to put yourself in a situation where you are abused and there is a solution for him. If he will not get on the same team and he prefers martyrdom then that is fine, but you don't need to stay on the phone for rants, demands or guilt trips.

[Anonymous]

So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

And they are wealthy so OP wants to appear engaged just enough to not get disinherited but doesn't actually want to lift a finger to help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

Stop offering or pretending you are willing to help. You posted before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

And they are wealthy so OP wants to appear engaged just enough to not get disinherited but doesn't actually want to lift a finger to help them.

THIS ^^^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

And they are wealthy so OP wants to appear engaged just enough to not get disinherited but doesn't actually want to lift a finger to help them.

Read what I said. I have no interest in their money. Every dollar they have ever dangled came with ridiculous strings. When I made the decision to distance it meant taking nothing from them. My husband and I discussed this 15 yrs ago. I have never had an expectation of inheriting. I don't want anything from them.

They are not wealthy. They just saved welll for their retirement and healthcare needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

You're hilarious. The unhinged person is the one attacking someone asking for help working through a difficult situation. Go bother someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time.

Oh, then you’re good. My dad drove 6 hours round trip every Sunday for years to give his primary caregiver brother Sundays off. Grandma was in the nursing home then, but Uncle could depend on a break every week. Yes that was 6 hours of driving and 6 hours of caregiving. (They did a lot of the care themselves to save money.)