Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There must be some underlying resentment to make you feel this way. Or perhaps you never moved into the friends zone with your parents and don’t really have a relationship bc you are stuck in your old power dynamic. Regardless, you should suck it up bc it’s the right and good thing to do.

Yes I was close to him as a child, then disappointed in him as an older teen (nothing major but viewed him as weak and cowardly), then I moved away and didn’t see him often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is not normal imo. My parents were imperfect humans and the later years were filled with stress, worry and responsibilities I didn't always feel capable of fulfilling since I was also caring for my young children at the time. With that said, I cherish my time with them, have an even greater appreciation for all they did for me growing up and miss both of them immensely. I think of them every.single.day.

Do you have other fulfilling relationships in your life? Do you have siblings? Do they feel similarly? I'm sad for you, OP.

Maybe pushing him away is a way for you do deal with the uncomfortable feeling of your own mortality? Maybe you have a diagnosable disorder? But no, OP, this is not normal.

I have a sibling and he confessed he also couldn’t find love for him (dad lived with him for almost a year). Either we are both traumatized or… idk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.

OP is this you? If this is your kids now, prepare to be in the same position, no matter how much you protest.

I would correct my kids if they were ever embarrassed by a family member because it's their thoughts that embarrass them, not someone else's actions.

No it’s a different poster

[Anonymous]

I just love this generation. It's a whole sad thing, isn't it? I'm watching it from so many angles and it's just depressing. No empathy, no caring, just me me me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

Thank you for posting this. It gave me a sort of insight, when my mother was alive she required a lot of attention and he always prioritized her. I didn’t feel like he even cared to talk to me that much. Once she died there’s suddenly this need for him to see me.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just love this generation. It's a whole sad thing, isn't it? I'm watching it from so many angles and it's just depressing. No empathy, no caring, just me me me.

What generation do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

You don’t get it. OP said his dad was a good dad!

Because they were not abusive! I would consider my Dad a “good Dad” too despite everything listed above.

Yes I mean he wasn’t horrible, he spent time with us kids, he was kind. But I do have some gripes with him
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For Op- I get it. My parents divorced when I was six and my Dad basically checked out of my life. I had to see him every other weekend and if he did not unload me at my grandmothers, I would have to sleep on the floor or couch since I had no room and no things at his house. His new wife and her kids had everything. He skipped all the important events throughout my life, yet still I would call and visit. Then his wife died and her kids stopped talking to him and now I am all he has left and it’s always complaints and negativity when we talk. It feels like a chore that leaves me drained. I am sorry for the choices he made and the regrets he has but that's not really my problem.

You don’t get it. OP said his dad was a good dad!

Because they were not abusive! I would consider my Dad a “good Dad” too despite everything listed above.

You did not have a good dad.
Good =\= not abusive. Your dad was at best neglectful.
Also, OP did not say their dad is full of negativity and complaints. Dad just isn’t interesting enough. It seems really different to me.

OP here.
My dad isnt a negative person, I’ll give him that.
I don’t know how to explain what the issue is.
He tries to make me his confidante, like talking about childhood trauma, I don’t want to hear it.
He has a very set way of how he views child rearing and my kid isn’t the approved kind so I have to be very strategic about what I tell him.
If I tell him about my friends he’ll start asking about them like they are his friends too, not sure how to explain.
We’ve already talked about his past.
Nothing much is happening so idk what to talk about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of get it, OP. In my case my father was a good, caring dad to me, but I wish he would have been a better husband to my mom. He is inherently selfish and everything in our lives while I was growing up centered around his wants. He says typical old people things that can be racist, embarrassing, insensitive and that makes it a little difficult being around him at times. Oh well, I try to focus on his good points. I am worried about what will happen when he can no longer live independently.

It sounds similar in that I’ve come to understand that my dad is a very selfish man, though he comes off as someone very devoted. I don’t have a good way to explain it. He always needs someone to report to, will go to great lengths to not upset his “master”, which seems like his ultimate goal in life. It’s like he has to depend on someone for his livelihood, emotionally. He is trying to make me this person, by always praising me, saying how he misses me, etc. However it doesn’t feel sincere, it feels like he wants my approval so much, like it’s critical for him.
I’ve never thought about it before and I can’t express it well, but it’s as if he is trying to cajole me and my sibling into not abandoning him (which we aren’t going to do anyway, but he is so terrified that he doesn’t realize it and starts being clingy).
This is something I need to think about btw
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just love this generation. It's a whole sad thing, isn't it? I'm watching it from so many angles and it's just depressing. No empathy, no caring, just me me me.

What generation do you mean?

Well, let's see. I am assuming her father is in his 60s or 70s. So it must be the millennials. But we didn't need to do the math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just love this generation. It's a whole sad thing, isn't it? I'm watching it from so many angles and it's just depressing. No empathy, no caring, just me me me.

What generation do you mean?

Well, let's see. I am assuming her father is in his 60s or 70s. So it must be the millennials. But we didn't need to do the math.

Op here, I am actually genX

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

[Anonymous]

OP I completely get it. There are so many other things you could be doing once a week.

Guarantee most of these posters aren't visiting their parents once a week. If they do they have siblings who are helping out or their parents are just more interesting / engaging /enjoyable so it isn't a burden to spend time every week visiting.

You father never prioritized you, yet you are giving him priority in your life. That is why you understandably are annoyed.

If you don't want to visit every week, then just don't. My kids are in high school and I visited my mother 2-3 times a week when my kids were in elementary and middle school. I just burned out and started thinking I would rather spend time with my high school aged kids before they go to college and potentially never live with me again. So I started making excuses and telling white lies- I'm sick, I have work, my spouse is sick, my dog is sick, etc. Whatever worked and gradually got it down to once a month. I don't care that my mom complains. She complained when I saw her 7 days a week.