Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some posters need to stop telling people to accept unhappiness. Suck it up, it’s the right thing to do, anything for the boomers!

Just no. Continuing behavior that you dislike will only create resentment, avoidance, and further sour the relationship. Yes, yes we understand the boomers on this board do not care if others are miserable as long as they themselves are happy. These are not people to listen to or follow.

OP. You feel how you feel. It isn’t abnormal or normal, it simply is what you feel. Recognize it, accept and then decide what you are comfortable doing. This could be fewer visits to see if the weekly obligation is the issue. This might mean not doing visits but bringing your Dad along on other activities like the kids sports game, seeing a movie, or maybe he just hangs around your house while you get things done. See if there is common ground to build a casual friendship. Don’t look for love or joy, just start small.

Relationships can’t survive being built on obligation or guilt.

Yep.
However I have a horrible parent in which I no longer speak to.

My siblings will be carrying that load. I feel zero obligation or guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to see my father every week because he lives so close. He was a pretty good dad and he is a nice old man rn. He doesn’t need much help, and physical help isn’t the problem. It’s just that I don’t want to see him or talk to him, not in an angry way, but I just don’t care.
He is a stereotypical old man, stuck in the past. There aren’t any interesting thoughts coming out of him (at least I haven’t heard any in the past couple of years since he moved closer to me).
He has nothing in common with his teen grandson.
I feel so bad when he says he loves me or misses me, because I don’t. When I think about having to see him weekly for another decade (he is 80 and in good health) I get so depressed.
I don’t know what to do about it, I guess I’m just venting.
Maybe there are others who feel the same way.

You’re an awful, selfish person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I completely get it. There are so many other things you could be doing once a week.

Guarantee most of these posters aren't visiting their parents once a week. If they do they have siblings who are helping out or their parents are just more interesting / engaging /enjoyable so it isn't a burden to spend time every week visiting.

You father never prioritized you, yet you are giving him priority in your life. That is why you understandably are annoyed.

If you don't want to visit every week, then just don't. My kids are in high school and I visited my mother 2-3 times a week when my kids were in elementary and middle school. I just burned out and started thinking I would rather spend time with my high school aged kids before they go to college and potentially never live with me again. So I started making excuses and telling white lies- I'm sick, I have work, my spouse is sick, my dog is sick, etc. Whatever worked and gradually got it down to once a month. I don't care that my mom complains. She complained when I saw her 7 days a week.

What are you talking about? How is seeing her dad once a week “prioritizing” him?
Maybe instead of blocking off time in her calendar to go see him, it might make more sense for him to just join in whatever they are doing, even if it’s just a weeknight dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

DP.
OP, I am also Gen X, and find your attitude that you think it’s inappropriate for your dad to talk about these things as strange and sort of anachronistic, for lack of a better word.

I agree a good therapist could help you work through some of these feelings.
Can you try to put yourself in your dad’s shoes?
Do you really think you will reach old age never becoming “uninteresting” to some younger people, including your child?

[Anonymous]

Eh, just make sure you're always fun and interesting, never weak or flawed, and keep your adult children entertained! If you don't, and they don't love you, too bad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died of alcoholism when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my mom did her best to convince me he was a worthless, untrustworthy, lying, loser. Then shipped me off to his house every other weekend. I hated it. I had no room, nothing there, no bed, nothing. It was awful. Then the summer I turned 14 it occurred to me that maybe my mom was wrong. I made a concerted effort to spend the evenings talking to my dad instead of trying to avoid him or spend as little time with him as possible. I learned a lot about him that summer. Two months later he was dead and I was so so so glad I took the time to try and get to know him a little.

My advice to you—get to know your dad. Play card games or whatever and just talk. Record his stories or have him write them down. Get to know your grandparents through his stories. Ask him about Xmas traditions, what school was like, changes in technology. He’s not saying anything interesting because you’re not asking anything interesting.

Feeling the way I feel comes exactly after about 2 years of deep conversations with him! We used to be close when I was a child, then grew apart when I was a teen (there was some disappointment on my end), then we were distant and I really tried to get to know him once he moved closer.
Unfortunately *there’s nothing there*
There is no wisdom, there’s astonishing lack of self awareness, there’s just an old, scared man with an outdated worldview.
He has trouble keeping his house clean too (I have to clean) so I think physical repulsion adds to it.
-OP

I understand how your cleaning his house is creating resentment.
Could this be outsourced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

Thank you, this is very spot on. He was very happy to move closer to me, as he didn’t have much going on back home either. I make him attend senior center activities and he’s made some casual friends there.
But yes, it’s the drastic change since seeing him 1-2x per year that gets to me. He had a complicated relationship with my late mother but at least he was focused on her and not on me!
-OP

Well I guess you don't want to visit him. What do you want us to say? Go every two weeks? Do you feel guilty about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to see my father every week because he lives so close. He was a pretty good dad and he is a nice old man rn. He doesn’t need much help, and physical help isn’t the problem. It’s just that I don’t want to see him or talk to him, not in an angry way, but I just don’t care.
He is a stereotypical old man, stuck in the past. There aren’t any interesting thoughts coming out of him (at least I haven’t heard any in the past couple of years since he moved closer to me).
He has nothing in common with his teen grandson.
I feel so bad when he says he loves me or misses me, because I don’t. When I think about having to see him weekly for another decade (he is 80 and in good health) I get so depressed.
I don’t know what to do about it, I guess I’m just venting.
Maybe there are others who feel the same way.

OP I know you have already received a lot of responses, but I wanted to point out something important. You mention your dad has nothing in common with your teen son. News flash: having things in common is not necessary for a meaningful relationship.

I also have a teen son, and a dad. They have little in common. My dad grew up poor and playing baseball with his 10 brothers in a nearby field, and had his first job at age 12.
My son grew up UMC in the suburbs, is biracial, a competitive athlete in a completely different sport, has visited many countries, and has not worked a lot for pay other than a few hours lifeguarding in the summers. On paper, very little in common.

But they have a meaningful relationship because they each take an interest in the other. Perhaps that is what is missing and you need help propagating.

[Anonymous]

I somewhat relate, op. It sounds like you're longing for a connection that just isn't there right now. I've been there with my parents, wanting to feel a closeness that just doesn't come and then feeling a little defective.

A few thoughts from my experience, from doing some reading, and from working with a therapist:

Is it possible that in telling you about his past he's trying to connect? Maybe trying to explain a possible root to his shortcomings? Bullying can do a number on someone's psyche and taint their own relationships. He may be talking about that as he's trying to work something out about himself. Or maybe not.

Sometimes what sounds like someone playing the victim card or just dwelling in how the world has wronged them is longing to be heard, to find some empathy that they should have been given as a child but were not.

It's true, it's not your job to be his therapist. But I wonder what would happen if you said something very basic like "that sounds really hard." And then stop. See how he reacts to a little empathy. See how you feel saying that. In fact, try saying it out loud, right now. How does that make you feel? Can you say it to yourself, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

+1! What the heck??

Will he play a board game, go out for a meal, or take a walk with you? Can you help him write or record a biography? Read the same book or watch the same show or sports team and discuss that? Find something to do with him besides just taking if you don’t like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

I think I can’t justify every other week (and honestly I dont think it’ll help much) but I’ll think about activities. He is pretty finicky though. Maybe a car ride to a park or something.

My dad likes to go see the small animals at petsmart. Not something that I ever would have thought he'd like, but he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

Not OP, but this hit the nail on the head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?