Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Is it the tasks and responsibility? Every time I see or talk to my elderly parent, I come away with more tasks, appointments, problems with insurance, home maintenance, phone calls to make, etc. which gets piled on top of my already long to do list.

I enjoy our visits but the task list stresses me out.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

I honestly don’t know about burn out. I do enjoy other relationships in my life.
My dad is nice enough but I guess cognitively declined enough to not be an exciting conversation partner.

it’s not all about you

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s normal. Relationships change over time, people grow apart or closer based on where they are in their lives.

1.Since you are visiting weekly, you don’t have time to miss him or be nostalgic.

2. The weekly visits themselves are an obligation and a burden. I remember when the kids were little, the obligation of weekly sports games. I was so ecstatic if a game was rained out and we didn’t have that weekly obligation. We didn’t hate soccer, baseball etc. it was just the weekly requirement was a drag for parents.

3. As people age, for many, their world gets smaller. They can’t relate to the world you are living in. Visiting can feel like watching grass grow. It is boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

+1 my first response reading OP's post was "yikes," so cold and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

[Anonymous]

There must be some underlying resentment to make you feel this way. Or perhaps you never moved into the friends zone with your parents and don’t really have a relationship bc you are stuck in your old power dynamic. Regardless, you should suck it up bc it’s the right and good thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is not normal imo. My parents were imperfect humans and the later years were filled with stress, worry and responsibilities I didn't always feel capable of fulfilling since I was also caring for my young children at the time. With that said, I cherish my time with them, have an even greater appreciation for all they did for me growing up and miss both of them immensely. I think of them every.single.day.

Do you have other fulfilling relationships in your life? Do you have siblings? Do they feel similarly? I'm sad for you, OP.

Maybe pushing him away is a way for you do deal with the uncomfortable feeling of your own mortality? Maybe you have a diagnosable disorder? But no, OP, this is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.

OP is this you? If this is your kids now, prepare to be in the same position, no matter how much you protest.

I would correct my kids if they were ever embarrassed by a family member because it's their thoughts that embarrass them, not someone else's actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

I honestly don’t know about burn out. I do enjoy other relationships in my life.
My dad is nice enough but I guess cognitively declined enough to not be an exciting conversation partner.

Hmm, I don’t know about cognitive decline, but this is what I usually talk about with my mom - not rocket science:

- anything going on with my kids
- any new recipes, food, restaurants that either of us tried
- anything notable happening with my friends whom she’s known since college
- anything notable happening with her friends

That’s usually enough to keep a weekly conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.

OP is this you? If this is your kids now, prepare to be in the same position, no matter how much you protest.

I would correct my kids if they were ever embarrassed by a family member because it's their thoughts that embarrass them, not someone else's actions.

Not OP, just commiserating. Grandpa does a lot of stuff to embarrass teens. I tell them he means no harm, but I get it, I really do. I try to protect them as much as possible, but he's not mean, just always there and I'm not going to kick my dad out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Have you considered a 55+ community if he is still pretty independent physically?

It is draining to be someone’s only friend and source of entertainment. He needs hobbies for his own (and your) satisfaction.

I 100% agree except he seems perfectly happy sitting his a chair all day and tagging along with me and the rest of the family wherever we go. He doesn't want to go to assisted living and he can't do independent without and aide (which I am acting as right now). we have told our kids that we will never do this to them. We would never want to be a burden. This does not seem to bother him one bit. It's ruined my relationship with him and my kids' relationship with their grandfather. They resent him now and are embarrassed by him.

OP is this you? If this is your kids now, prepare to be in the same position, no matter how much you protest.

I would correct my kids if they were ever embarrassed by a family member because it's their thoughts that embarrass them, not someone else's actions.

Not OP, just commiserating. Grandpa does a lot of stuff to embarrass teens. I tell them he means no harm, but I get it, I really do. I try to protect them as much as possible, but he's not mean, just always there and I'm not going to kick my dad out.

Got it. But let's be real, he's probably embarrassed by the teens. It's hard not to be. So, tell them they have that in common.