Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Cherish your parents!

An 8yo just lost their young mother, and dad isn’t involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These takes are bizarre. I’m thankful that my parents and grandparents shared their stories, including the hard things. It helped me understand them, our family and my own life. I’m thankful that at times as an adult I could comfort them. Even very health elders become a bit more vulnerable and need some care as they age. The idea that we remain frozen as children to receive care and never grow to reciprocate is selfish and petty.

OP started out with no complaints about his father, just that he wasn’t entertaining enough. Only when several posters told him that he was out of line did he come up with complaints. What do we always say about OPs who keep dropping breadcrumbs and shifting the story?

I am honestly torn between “he is an old man and as good as an old man can be” and “omg how can he be such an unpleasant person”. Hence the story shifting
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Being bullied is not embarrassing.

I know that.
Still, I don’t want to know.
This is trauma dumping to me
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

I wonder about this, as one with a parent who rarely talked about personal matters ever but started to drop little crumbs like op's dad's bullying thing around age 80. I got the sense that my parent was feeling a need to be seen.

I think it's certainly true that a parent should not expect a child to be a therapist. And when kids are young it would be good to share personal stories in general but not ever to trauma dump. Once the child is grown, though, doesn't the relationship shift at least a little and the parent can maybe talk more about some hard times? Not in a way of making excuses, not in a guilt- inducing way, but in a way of sharing their experiences?

No. A parent is a parent and there's no "sharing experiences" about bullying and how their parent didn't protect them. It's a sob story, "poor me" story. Sharing experiences is about facts, not emotional trauma dumping. Things like these and sexual experiences are not something to be shared with adult children. For this one has to have friends or seek out a therapist. Nobody wants to see their parent as a weak, cowardly, needy person and this is not something that should be dumped on adult children to deal with.

Yes, this is how I feel! I don’t want to see him as weak and humiliated.
It wasn’t his fault he was bullied but I felt like he was telling me about it because he was trying to parentify me?
Btw he was also trying to tell me about some woman who was romantically interested in him (it was all very PG) but I shut it down.
-OP

You seem to be the immature one because you want to be a child forever. When you are an adult, “parentification” in the usual sense doesn’t apply. We all may become the parents to our parents as they become old and infirm. But that’s a natural course of life.

I am not saying you’re wrong.
I’ve actually enjoyed supporting him and helping him move and helping him settle in, but now he’s settled in.. idk I want to stop?
Maybe it’s bad, but that’s how I feel. He needs to “grow up” a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Being bullied is not embarrassing.

I know that.
Still, I don’t want to know.
This is trauma dumping to me
-OP

No, that’s you denying humanity to your father. You want to see him as a resource, not as a fellow human. I bet you are deeply touched by the sob stories of the complete strangers you see in the media, but you are not willing to extend the same compassion to your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Being bullied is not embarrassing.

I know that.
Still, I don’t want to know.
This is trauma dumping to me
-OP

No, that’s you denying humanity to your father. You want to see him as a resource, not as a fellow human. I bet you are deeply touched by the sob stories of the complete strangers you see in the media, but you are not willing to extend the same compassion to your father.

This.
OP, you suck. But don't worry, the time will come, and pretty quickly, when your now teenaged kid starts avoiding your because of your 'trauma dumping'.

[Anonymous]

Did he treat you badly as a child? I don’t mean actual abuse but not great treatment?

I had few issues with my parents in my 20s and 30s, but once I had children I began to despise my mother. I think she was terrible and I find her behavior strange. She didn’t treat me well at all. I didn’t figure out any of this until I got older.

Because of how she treated me, I dislike her deep down and her presence triggers me. I feel awful about it. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Here’s an example of her behavior. Every night she served a salad with a radish and would bully and yell at me until I ate the radish. This went on for years. Not a huge deal, really, but now that I have kids I think this is so odd. I was an adventurous healthy eater and one of the few things I disliked was a radish. But she didn’t care. I was going to eat that radish! I hadn’t thought about this in years or maybe ever, until I had kids and she started treating them similarly. I observed the tone of voice, the smug attitude and the way she seemed to get off on making a seven year old eat a certain food. Now I can’t stand her. Couldn’t she see how she was making the seven year old feel, and how she made me feel? My entire childhood was like this and I am thankful there was no actual abuse, but I still dislike her.

But overall, she’s probably not that bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s Dad needs a therapist. He doesn’t need an expensive or experienced one. He just needs someone to listen to his life regrets and recollections. Bonus points if it’s someone who works with the elderly and can help him find independent ways to make connections.

This is why old men remarry really bad women and gold diggers. They don’t know how to make friends with other old men outside a shared activity that requires more than one other person. They aren’t going to share their look back emotions with them anyway.

Based on some of these responses, if OP’s dad can’t be the Disneyland Dad they want, having him marrying a gold digger seems like a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Being bullied is not embarrassing.

I know that.
Still, I don’t want to know.
This is trauma dumping to me
-OP

No, that’s you denying humanity to your father. You want to see him as a resource, not as a fellow human. I bet you are deeply touched by the sob stories of the complete strangers you see in the media, but you are not willing to extend the same compassion to your father.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he treat you badly as a child? I don’t mean actual abuse but not great treatment?

I had few issues with my parents in my 20s and 30s, but once I had children I began to despise my mother. I think she was terrible and I find her behavior strange. She didn’t treat me well at all. I didn’t figure out any of this until I got older.

Because of how she treated me, I dislike her deep down and her presence triggers me. I feel awful about it. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Here’s an example of her behavior. Every night she served a salad with a radish and would bully and yell at me until I ate the radish. This went on for years. Not a huge deal, really, but now that I have kids I think this is so odd. I was an adventurous healthy eater and one of the few things I disliked was a radish. But she didn’t care. I was going to eat that radish! I hadn’t thought about this in years or maybe ever, until I had kids and she started treating them similarly. I observed the tone of voice, the smug attitude and the way she seemed to get off on making a seven year old eat a certain food. Now I can’t stand her. Couldn’t she see how she was making the seven year old feel, and how she made me feel? My entire childhood was like this and I am thankful there was no actual abuse, but I still dislike her.

But overall, she’s probably not that bad?

My mother beat me, called me names, berated me, belittled me. I was made to drop classes in high school because I wasn’t smart enough for her even though the school certainly thought otherwise. She used to make me act out scenarios to manipulate my father when they were getting divorced. She made me participate in very deep lies about having boyfriends to make him jealous. Years later (decades) she actually tried to make me complicit again by bringing up said fake boyfriend in my dad’s presence (they actually got back together. He has his own psychological issues!). Luckily I had already talked to him and he knew it was a lie. She once beat the hell out of me for losing a piece of paper with a prayer on it that she thought was going to bring him back like a spell or something. Turned out she’d misplaced it.

So yeah. Your mother making you eat a radish doesn’t sound so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cherish your parents!

An 8yo just lost their young mother, and dad isn’t involved.

This has absolutely nothing to do with OP's post .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he treat you badly as a child? I don’t mean actual abuse but not great treatment?

I had few issues with my parents in my 20s and 30s, but once I had children I began to despise my mother. I think she was terrible and I find her behavior strange. She didn’t treat me well at all. I didn’t figure out any of this until I got older.

Because of how she treated me, I dislike her deep down and her presence triggers me. I feel awful about it. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Here’s an example of her behavior. Every night she served a salad with a radish and would bully and yell at me until I ate the radish. This went on for years. Not a huge deal, really, but now that I have kids I think this is so odd. I was an adventurous healthy eater and one of the few things I disliked was a radish. But she didn’t care. I was going to eat that radish! I hadn’t thought about this in years or maybe ever, until I had kids and she started treating them similarly. I observed the tone of voice, the smug attitude and the way she seemed to get off on making a seven year old eat a certain food. Now I can’t stand her. Couldn’t she see how she was making the seven year old feel, and how she made me feel? My entire childhood was like this and I am thankful there was no actual abuse, but I still dislike her.

But overall, she’s probably not that bad?

My mother beat me, called me names, berated me, belittled me. I was made to drop classes in high school because I wasn’t smart enough for her even though the school certainly thought otherwise. She used to make me act out scenarios to manipulate my father when they were getting divorced. She made me participate in very deep lies about having boyfriends to make him jealous. Years later (decades) she actually tried to make me complicit again by bringing up said fake boyfriend in my dad’s presence (they actually got back together. He has his own psychological issues!). Luckily I had already talked to him and he knew it was a lie. She once beat the hell out of me for losing a piece of paper with a prayer on it that she thought was going to bring him back like a spell or something. Turned out she’d misplaced it.

So yeah. Your mother making you eat a radish doesn’t sound so bad.

Only your expereine is bad? Are you always this narcissistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he treat you badly as a child? I don’t mean actual abuse but not great treatment?

I had few issues with my parents in my 20s and 30s, but once I had children I began to despise my mother. I think she was terrible and I find her behavior strange. She didn’t treat me well at all. I didn’t figure out any of this until I got older.

Because of how she treated me, I dislike her deep down and her presence triggers me. I feel awful about it. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Here’s an example of her behavior. Every night she served a salad with a radish and would bully and yell at me until I ate the radish. This went on for years. Not a huge deal, really, but now that I have kids I think this is so odd. I was an adventurous healthy eater and one of the few things I disliked was a radish. But she didn’t care. I was going to eat that radish! I hadn’t thought about this in years or maybe ever, until I had kids and she started treating them similarly. I observed the tone of voice, the smug attitude and the way she seemed to get off on making a seven year old eat a certain food. Now I can’t stand her. Couldn’t she see how she was making the seven year old feel, and how she made me feel? My entire childhood was like this and I am thankful there was no actual abuse, but I still dislike her.

But overall, she’s probably not that bad?

My mother beat me, called me names, berated me, belittled me. I was made to drop classes in high school because I wasn’t smart enough for her even though the school certainly thought otherwise. She used to make me act out scenarios to manipulate my father when they were getting divorced. She made me participate in very deep lies about having boyfriends to make him jealous. Years later (decades) she actually tried to make me complicit again by bringing up said fake boyfriend in my dad’s presence (they actually got back together. He has his own psychological issues!). Luckily I had already talked to him and he knew it was a lie. She once beat the hell out of me for losing a piece of paper with a prayer on it that she thought was going to bring him back like a spell or something. Turned out she’d misplaced it.

So yeah. Your mother making you eat a radish doesn’t sound so bad.

Only your expereine is bad? Are you always this narcissistic?

Has anyone noticed how abusers love to throw out the word narcissist? If you can’t see that there are obviously some situations that are worse than others then you might have a problem there.

[Anonymous]

OP seems to be changing the narrative to a more negative childhood when people didn’t support her original statement.

My parents are elderly and sometimes is it taxing to hear the same stories repeated or stressful to help them do things they’ve never needed help with before? Yes. But it’s also difficult for them to lose some of their independence and experience some cognitive decline. The expectations that some posters have for the elderly is ridiculous.

I am grateful to still have them in my life and appreciate everything they’ve done for our family over the years. As parents now, my siblings and I have a much better understanding of the things our parents juggled and sacrificed for us and how they’ve been truly wonderful grandparents to our kids.

So if we hear the same stories or listen to them as they complain about ailments, we accept that it’s part of the natural life cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he treat you badly as a child? I don’t mean actual abuse but not great treatment?

I had few issues with my parents in my 20s and 30s, but once I had children I began to despise my mother. I think she was terrible and I find her behavior strange. She didn’t treat me well at all. I didn’t figure out any of this until I got older.

Because of how she treated me, I dislike her deep down and her presence triggers me. I feel awful about it. It makes me feel like a horrible person.

Here’s an example of her behavior. Every night she served a salad with a radish and would bully and yell at me until I ate the radish. This went on for years. Not a huge deal, really, but now that I have kids I think this is so odd. I was an adventurous healthy eater and one of the few things I disliked was a radish. But she didn’t care. I was going to eat that radish! I hadn’t thought about this in years or maybe ever, until I had kids and she started treating them similarly. I observed the tone of voice, the smug attitude and the way she seemed to get off on making a seven year old eat a certain food. Now I can’t stand her. Couldn’t she see how she was making the seven year old feel, and how she made me feel? My entire childhood was like this and I am thankful there was no actual abuse, but I still dislike her.

But overall, she’s probably not that bad?

My mother beat me, called me names, berated me, belittled me. I was made to drop classes in high school because I wasn’t smart enough for her even though the school certainly thought otherwise. She used to make me act out scenarios to manipulate my father when they were getting divorced. She made me participate in very deep lies about having boyfriends to make him jealous. Years later (decades) she actually tried to make me complicit again by bringing up said fake boyfriend in my dad’s presence (they actually got back together. He has his own psychological issues!). Luckily I had already talked to him and he knew it was a lie. She once beat the hell out of me for losing a piece of paper with a prayer on it that she thought was going to bring him back like a spell or something. Turned out she’d misplaced it.

So yeah. Your mother making you eat a radish doesn’t sound so bad.

You’re right it’s not that bad in comparison to what you experienced.

But I still think it’s weird. Imagine if you went to a friend’s house and they forced you to eat a random vegetable on your salad. Everytime you went there. You would not go there to eat.

Unfortunately I don’t think the previous generation recognized us as people with feelings who deserved respect. We were third class citizens.

Whereas now, people try to not treat their kids like dirt.