Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone is harping on you. I think it’s normal. Not everyone has an amazing connection with their parents. Maybe you could attach something to his visits to make them better. Like if you knit, you could at least knit and talk or watch tv so you’re still being productive and you won’t be annoyed. Or if you’ve always wanted to read the classics and dad’s eyes are going you can read aloud to him. Or you can drag him around on errands and pretend you need his advice or whatever.

I have a parent whose presence literally triggers me and makes all my sensory sensitivities flare and it’s just so uncomfortable to be around them. I also think they’re kind of dim because they’ve let their world get so small. They don’t live nearby, but I don’t know what I’d do if I had to see them weekly.

I've been in and out of this thread. Reading is a great idea. What about jigsaw puzzles? Something to do while you visit could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

What on earth!? Parents are people. And once their kids are grown, relationships shift. I guess you were “needy” and “weak” as a child, right? And you expected your parent to share “resources”? Well, now your parents might need you. Or they might just want to get to know you in an adult-adukt relationship. No, parents shouldn’t use their kids as therapists, but that isn’t what OP described. Sharing experiences and emotions, good or bad, is what people in close relationships do.

I really wonder about responses like the PP’s and where these people are getting their ideas that it’s “inappropriate” to discuss anything negative from your past with your adult children.

[Anonymous]

One of the last memories I have of my grandmother who died when I was in my early twenties was her talking about raisins she used to buy in Charleston 50+ years ago. It’s really not that bad to listen to boring content because at some point the silence will be much worse.

My dad died a year after her but was a very interesting person. And frankly I would rather be able to remember boring conversations than the last brutal year in his battle with cancer that is seared into my mind. So many memories I wish I could forget.

Why don’t you encourage your dad to join a church or other religious group? My church has an active seniors group and I have a Jewish friend whose elderly father has found a lot of community at his synagogue.

[Anonymous]

Of course it is normal, your feeling towards him and the relationship you have with him is the direct reflection of what kind of relationship he had with you. If he was an ok dad who just provided material things to you but never was close to you, then of course you would feel similar way towards him - fulfilling a duty, but no love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

What on earth!? Parents are people. And once their kids are grown, relationships shift. I guess you were “needy” and “weak” as a child, right? And you expected your parent to share “resources”? Well, now your parents might need you. Or they might just want to get to know you in an adult-adukt relationship. No, parents shouldn’t use their kids as therapists, but that isn’t what OP described. Sharing experiences and emotions, good or bad, is what people in close relationships do.

I really wonder about responses like the PP’s and where these people are getting their ideas that it’s “inappropriate” to discuss anything negative from your past with your adult children.

Reading comprehension is not perhaps your strong suit? I said nothing about not being "allowed" to share negative experiences. Talking about being bullied by itself is fine, why not if that came up. Talking about bullying and complaining that HIS parents didn't protect him == go to therapy, trauma dumping. I have a lot of interesting stories from my grandma, who was born at the turn of the last century. She lived through both world wars in Europe. During the wars the resources were so scarce that the boots she managed to obtain for her daughter, my aunt, were stamped into her passport. The stamp said "boots for the daughter". Lots of people live interesting and fulfilling lives, but it requires personal agency. The dad the OP has does not have personal agency and relies on others to function. It's not something that happened in old age, it's how he is. It's difficult to understand unless you actually have a parent like this. I'm the PP with a mom just like this and it's super exhausting, and yes, I was parentified from an early age. From about the age of 5 I knew that I was the second in charge after my dad. I'm sure when the OP is talking about being parentified, it happened a long time ago, not last year. And no, I don't want to "discuss" whether my dad was a "good lover" to my mom or not. Perhaps you do. I really don't. And as far as sharing experiences and emotions goes... with a parent like the OPs, I'm certain there was no sharing when she was a teen or a young adult and she had to manage on her own (I know I did), so it's obvious that you cannot start sharing "on demand" after not sharing for 50+ years.

[Anonymous]

OP’s Dad needs a therapist. He doesn’t need an expensive or experienced one. He just needs someone to listen to his life regrets and recollections. Bonus points if it’s someone who works with the elderly and can help him find independent ways to make connections.

This is why old men remarry really bad women and gold diggers. They don’t know how to make friends with other old men outside a shared activity that requires more than one other person. They aren’t going to share their look back emotions with them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is normal, your feeling towards him and the relationship you have with him is the direct reflection of what kind of relationship he had with you. If he was an ok dad who just provided material things to you but never was close to you, then of course you would feel similar way towards him - fulfilling a duty, but no love.

What’s strange is that he was pretty present and I adored him as a child. It started shifting when I was a young adult or an older teen and realized that he is not very competent in everyday things and is scared of the world, and he couldn’t be my rock anymore. It may have been childish or me and I thought I got over it since then, but now I am having a second disappointment in him as a person. I don’t want to harp on him but he just isn’t someone I can respect, and it’s not all old age, it’s the way he always was. I just didn’t realize it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why everyone is harping on you. I think it’s normal. Not everyone has an amazing connection with their parents. Maybe you could attach something to his visits to make them better. Like if you knit, you could at least knit and talk or watch tv so you’re still being productive and you won’t be annoyed. Or if you’ve always wanted to read the classics and dad’s eyes are going you can read aloud to him. Or you can drag him around on errands and pretend you need his advice or whatever.

I have a parent whose presence literally triggers me and makes all my sensory sensitivities flare and it’s just so uncomfortable to be around them. I also think they’re kind of dim because they’ve let their world get so small. They don’t live nearby, but I don’t know what I’d do if I had to see them weekly.

I've been in and out of this thread. Reading is a great idea. What about jigsaw puzzles? Something to do while you visit could be helpful.

My dad plays dominos. Maybe try that. He also likes “oldies” music. 60s/70s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP’s Dad needs a therapist. He doesn’t need an expensive or experienced one. He just needs someone to listen to his life regrets and recollections. Bonus points if it’s someone who works with the elderly and can help him find independent ways to make connections.

This is why old men remarry really bad women and gold diggers. They don’t know how to make friends with other old men outside a shared activity that requires more than one other person. They aren’t going to share their look back emotions with them anyway.

He can actually afford a therapist and I offered to arrange therapy for him, but he’d need to pay, and he said no.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is normal, your feeling towards him and the relationship you have with him is the direct reflection of what kind of relationship he had with you. If he was an ok dad who just provided material things to you but never was close to you, then of course you would feel similar way towards him - fulfilling a duty, but no love.

What’s strange is that he was pretty present and I adored him as a child. It started shifting when I was a young adult or an older teen and realized that he is not very competent in everyday things and is scared of the world, and he couldn’t be my rock anymore. It may have been childish or me and I thought I got over it since then, but now I am having a second disappointment in him as a person. I don’t want to harp on him but he just isn’t someone I can respect, and it’s not all old age, it’s the way he always was. I just didn’t realize it before.

I feel this way about my mom. My dad shielded us from so much, but once he was gone, I realized that she’s actually not a nice person. Very selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Makes it very hard to like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the last memories I have of my grandmother who died when I was in my early twenties was her talking about raisins she used to buy in Charleston 50+ years ago. It’s really not that bad to listen to boring content because at some point the silence will be much worse.

My dad died a year after her but was a very interesting person. And frankly I would rather be able to remember boring conversations than the last brutal year in his battle with cancer that is seared into my mind. So many memories I wish I could forget.

Why don’t you encourage your dad to join a church or other religious group? My church has an active seniors group and I have a Jewish friend whose elderly father has found a lot of community at his synagogue.

Not everyone is religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

Thank you, this resonates a lot! I have to admit, he tries to hide the expectation of wanting more. It comes through mostly via small remarks about how we “rarely” see each other and things like that. Or he’ll text me that he misses me after 5 days of not seeing me. It all looks very innocent on the surface but irks me to no end because it feels manipulative and needy, but I have no proof and so I end up feeling guilty.

It is manipulative and needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

Fine, what if I don’t want to hear it? I want to see my father as weak

So, you are avoiding getting to know your dad because he might say something doesn’t fit with your idealized narrative about your dad?
You sound very immature. You need therapy.

It’s not idealized anymore.
I know he dropped out of school and went back and it’s fine by me. He wasn’t some outstanding person.
But, I don’t need to know about embarrassing moments in his life

Was he strict growing up?

Curious because my parents were strict and fairly distant (not too uncommon in their generation). So now when they try to relate to me with personal stories and remove some of that distance it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Then I feel guilty about feeling uncomfortable or avoiding spending time with them.

I'd like to get past that but I don't know how.

No, he was very affectionate and maybe too affectionate (nothing indecent, just idk, awkward?)
I think he wants the same relationship as he had with us as kids (where we listened and adored him and with a lot of physical contact but also where we solve all his problems), it’s just awkward and weird. Idk what happened to the stage of friendly relationships of two or three grown adults.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember reading somewhere that kids want to love their parents. They do bad things, and kids still hold on to the hope.

I don't think it's normal to not want to love your parents. My guess is that you believe that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here.

You might get curious about it. Why are you withholding? Are you afraid to say I love you to him for some reason? I think pp's may be on to something when they say you're afraid of being the same. Also, it's curious that you say your conversations are uninteresting, but it takes two people to have an uninteresting conversation. What about asking him to tell you about the past.

Therapy might help if you journal/try new tactics/sit with the feelings and no progress.

He’s already told me about the past, we can’t talk about it every week.
He also tried to tell me how he was bullied as a child and his parents didn’t protect him, but I think it’s inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter and I don’t want to hear it.

You are wrong. It’s not at all inappropriate to tell this to one’s daughter.

It's completely inappropriate, adult children are not your therapists and we don't want to be burdened with your unresolved issues! There's nothing we can do about them! I understand OP. My mom is like this. These are weak people, emotionally immature, who have relied on someone else to make decisions for them their whole lives. Yes, they cling. Yes, they're selfish and don't care about others, including grandchildren. They're afraid to miss out on resources and be abandoned to figure things out for themselves! They'd gladly move in with you not be be responsible for themselves and use your resources. There's not much of an advice other than you'll end up doing for him as much as you're willing to, because he'll always expect more. This is why you have resentment.

Thank you, this resonates a lot! I have to admit, he tries to hide the expectation of wanting more. It comes through mostly via small remarks about how we “rarely” see each other and things like that. Or he’ll text me that he misses me after 5 days of not seeing me. It all looks very innocent on the surface but irks me to no end because it feels manipulative and needy, but I have no proof and so I end up feeling guilty.

It is manipulative and needy.

I think he is super needy, he loves to pawn off all his decisions on someone, too.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it is normal, your feeling towards him and the relationship you have with him is the direct reflection of what kind of relationship he had with you. If he was an ok dad who just provided material things to you but never was close to you, then of course you would feel similar way towards him - fulfilling a duty, but no love.

What’s strange is that he was pretty present and I adored him as a child. It started shifting when I was a young adult or an older teen and realized that he is not very competent in everyday things and is scared of the world, and he couldn’t be my rock anymore. It may have been childish or me and I thought I got over it since then, but now I am having a second disappointment in him as a person. I don’t want to harp on him but he just isn’t someone I can respect, and it’s not all old age, it’s the way he always was. I just didn’t realize it before.

I feel this way about my mom. My dad shielded us from so much, but once he was gone, I realized that she’s actually not a nice person. Very selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Makes it very hard to like her.

Yes! We had a complicated family dynamic that way. My mom was “the boss” and my childhood was about feeling bad for my dad being “exploited” by her. Then I started to realize how he is somewhat of a man child and how hard it is to live with him. Then again my mom was always pretty mean to me so I guess I was hoping that at least my dad was a decent guy. Turns out he isn’t?