Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

I found it helpful to tell my dad about shows I like so he can watch and we can talk about them. Same with books. I just talked to him today about how Florida colleges have risen in the rankings a lot and why Jewish people aren’t choosing Ivies as much as we used to. Then we talked about old relatives he keeps in touch with that I don’t, and then about foods, and meal prep. Then some physics. That was 45 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some posters need to stop telling people to accept unhappiness. Suck it up, it’s the right thing to do, anything for the boomers!

Just no. Continuing behavior that you dislike will only create resentment, avoidance, and further sour the relationship. Yes, yes we understand the boomers on this board do not care if others are miserable as long as they themselves are happy. These are not people to listen to or follow.

OP. You feel how you feel. It isn’t abnormal or normal, it simply is what you feel. Recognize it, accept and then decide what you are comfortable doing. This could be fewer visits to see if the weekly obligation is the issue. This might mean not doing visits but bringing your Dad along on other activities like the kids sports game, seeing a movie, or maybe he just hangs around your house while you get things done. See if there is common ground to build a casual friendship. Don’t look for love or joy, just start small.

Relationships can’t survive being built on obligation or guilt.

What a selfish shallow take. How many hours did this dad spend doing things he disliked. Maybe he didn’t care for his job but it was good for his family. Maybe he hated Legos but built with them anyway because his son loved him. This AC is just entitled and gross. Visiting your local parent 1x a week is a very small act. You make it sound like he’s being asked to donate an organ.

Stop it. Adults decide to have children. Most build Legos because they enjoy doing something with their children. Children are a choice not a sacrifice.

When the child grows up, it’s time to transition to an adult relationship. This means that there needs to be mutual benefit and value. There is nothing owed nor a free pass just because you were the parent. Spending several hours every week out of obligation rather than mutual connection is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

It's not him, it's you, OP.

OP sounds like a teenager talking about their dad.

Maybe OP has never grown out of that teenage phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died of alcoholism when I was 14. My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my mom did her best to convince me he was a worthless, untrustworthy, lying, loser. Then shipped me off to his house every other weekend. I hated it. I had no room, nothing there, no bed, nothing. It was awful. Then the summer I turned 14 it occurred to me that maybe my mom was wrong. I made a concerted effort to spend the evenings talking to my dad instead of trying to avoid him or spend as little time with him as possible. I learned a lot about him that summer. Two months later he was dead and I was so so so glad I took the time to try and get to know him a little.

My advice to you—get to know your dad. Play card games or whatever and just talk. Record his stories or have him write them down. Get to know your grandparents through his stories. Ask him about Xmas traditions, what school was like, changes in technology. He’s not saying anything interesting because you’re not asking anything interesting.

Feeling the way I feel comes exactly after about 2 years of deep conversations with him! We used to be close when I was a child, then grew apart when I was a teen (there was some disappointment on my end), then we were distant and I really tried to get to know him once he moved closer.
Unfortunately *there’s nothing there*
There is no wisdom, there’s astonishing lack of self awareness, there’s just an old, scared man with an outdated worldview.
He has trouble keeping his house clean too (I have to clean) so I think physical repulsion adds to it.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not him, it's you, OP.

OP sounds like a teenager talking about their dad.

Maybe OP has never grown out of that teenage phase.

Maybe you’re right. I went thru a disappointment in him when I was a teen (which was basically a realization that he is human and maybe not the best human out there, but nothing horrible). Now it’s very similar. I tried to get to know him and there was nothing exciting.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

Thank you, this is very spot on. He was very happy to move closer to me, as he didn’t have much going on back home either. I make him attend senior center activities and he’s made some casual friends there.
But yes, it’s the drastic change since seeing him 1-2x per year that gets to me. He had a complicated relationship with my late mother but at least he was focused on her and not on me!
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate OP except my dad lives with us. I just don't feel like he contributes much to society anymore. Sometimes, I'll go to the store and it's just old people standing there, blocking the aisles. It's like it's their big outing for the week.
My grandmother lived to be almost 100 and she wasn't not like this at all. Lived a vibrant life, exercised, gardened, traveled, met friends and played bridge.
I really do not want to be an irrelevant old person, a burden on everyone.

Yes I have the same feeling! He is recycling his old thoughts and only adds borderline conspiracy stuff from YouTube to his rotation.
After my mother died I took him traveling to take his mind off things and he saw some new things and seemed to have enjoyed it, but now it’s like it never happened! He never talks about these weeks of travel, they added nothing to his view of the world.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

I wouldn’t say it’s long. I take him to the dr about once a month, add his stuff to my shopping list (he can shop on his own too), clean maybe monthly, and do his laundry. Once a week are the social visits.
I’d say it’s this feeling of being responsible for him the way one is responsible for teen kids who aren’t fully self sufficient is what really gets me!
-OP

[Anonymous]

There is no normal. Each relationship is different and parents are not inherently entitled to being liked.

Good luck to you, give yourself grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

+1 to this. My advice is to just make it part of your weekly schedule and have a regular date/scheduled whatever every week to have a brief interaction. He will look forward to that interaction and the regularity of it may make it feel less like daunting for you because it will just become routine. It may not be the most riveting hour of your week but it’ll (hopefully) be manageable for you meaningful to your dad.

Thank you, I think the regularity of it made it harder for me (I now try to do the weekly thing but it’s not a particular day or time.. maybe I should schedule it though).
I’ll have to think about it. I think when he is waiting it’s hard to reschedule, and when it’s not scheduled I can just do it when I’m not tapped out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I get it.
How about a mini trip to the store, pet shop, book store, restaurant, coffee shop instead?
Is he able to walk? Take him to a senior or community center to be around peers, like a play date. You will meet other interesting people.

He goes to the senior center and is quite mobile. I’ve been thinking about things to do with him, he declined everything except taking walks together, which isn’t too different from when I visit him at home
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

To be clear it’s not me, it’s a different poster
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it the tasks and responsibility? Every time I see or talk to my elderly parent, I come away with more tasks, appointments, problems with insurance, home maintenance, phone calls to make, etc. which gets piled on top of my already long to do list.

I enjoy our visits but the task list stresses me out.

No I actually dont mind the tasks as much as having to talk to him. To me it’s a waste of time (I know he enjoys it so I do it).
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a way of letting go. Your subconscious is telling you things about his aging, your aging, that are hard to deal with front and center, so you block them out, feel uncomfortable and generally put off. Try to show love. My mom treasured a hug from me.

Did you like hugging her? I hate hugging my father but I still do it sometimes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion, meet your dad every other week and plan something that YOU want to do and have him tag along. Art exhibit your son doesn’t want to see? Bring dad! Cuisine you wanted to try but your son or husband aren’t into it? Bring dad! Art class you always wanted to take? Going to an academic lecture? Small town you wanted to visit? Scenic drive or stop? Maybe you want space to slow down, bring dad to meditation or tai chi or a park bench in nature. Find a scenario in which you both win.

I think I can’t justify every other week (and honestly I dont think it’ll help much) but I’ll think about activities. He is pretty finicky though. Maybe a car ride to a park or something.