Is it normal not to love your elderly parent who is not abusive or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to see my father every week because he lives so close. He was a pretty good dad and he is a nice old man rn. He doesn’t need much help, and physical help isn’t the problem. It’s just that I don’t want to see him or talk to him, not in an angry way, but I just don’t care.
He is a stereotypical old man, stuck in the past. There aren’t any interesting thoughts coming out of him (at least I haven’t heard any in the past couple of years since he moved closer to me).
He has nothing in common with his teen grandson.
I feel so bad when he says he loves me or misses me, because I don’t. When I think about having to see him weekly for another decade (he is 80 and in good health) I get so depressed.
I don’t know what to do about it, I guess I’m just venting.
Maybe there are others who feel the same way.

No, this is not normal. At all.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, can’t relate to this at all.

[Anonymous]

I can relate OP except my dad lives with us. I just don't feel like he contributes much to society anymore. Sometimes, I'll go to the store and it's just old people standing there, blocking the aisles. It's like it's their big outing for the week.
My grandmother lived to be almost 100 and she wasn't not like this at all. Lived a vibrant life, exercised, gardened, traveled, met friends and played bridge.
I really do not want to be an irrelevant old person, a burden on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

+1 to this. My advice is to just make it part of your weekly schedule and have a regular date/scheduled whatever every week to have a brief interaction. He will look forward to that interaction and the regularity of it may make it feel less like daunting for you because it will just become routine. It may not be the most riveting hour of your week but it’ll (hopefully) be manageable for you meaningful to your dad.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Is this OP? If so, invite your dad to some vacations, but not all. You have a responsibility to your own family as well as to your dad. Balancing this shows your child how to balance his life when you become the old person that he is responsible for one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

I'm the PP. My dad tried assisted living and did not adjust well to the change, so I get this. You have to meet people where they are sometime, even if it's not where you think they should be. I, too, have to alter my life significantly to accommodate my dad (and remember that it's not his fault he needs a walker and has outlived my mom, his friends, and his siblings). It pains me to think of him being so alone, and I wish I lived close enough to visit him and help more often. He lives 90 minutes away, and I stay over with him (I have older DCs and am retired, so I can do this).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean not really, no. Some people are closer or have warmer relationships than others but what you’re describing abt someone who is “nice” and was a good dad seems pretty unusual. Not criticizing you btw as it sounds pretty bleak for you as well. Are you sure you aren’t depressed or burnt out?

I honestly don’t know about burn out. I do enjoy other relationships in my life.
My dad is nice enough but I guess cognitively declined enough to not be an exciting conversation partner.

Think hard about what you just wrote. Seriously. When you aren't fun or interesting anymore, you cool with everyone writing you off? I bet there were lots of times when your parents didn't find you an exciting conversation partner, either, but they loved you. Have some grace. Spare an hour or two for boring conversation-- or card games, or eating a meal together, or something else that isn't about whether or not you are entertained. We all get old. A good dad who is just a little dull deserves love and attention, too.

[Anonymous]

I’m close with my dad, who was a good dad.
My mom was/is a narcissist and we have a complicated relationship. I don’t feel really any love for her like I do my dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles. That said, if she moved close, I would see her. If I found her dull, I would try to find some activities or maybe a senior center.

[Anonymous]

Op, I get it.
How about a mini trip to the store, pet shop, book store, restaurant, coffee shop instead?
Is he able to walk? Take him to a senior or community center to be around peers, like a play date. You will meet other interesting people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Is this OP? If so, invite your dad to some vacations, but not all. You have a responsibility to your own family as well as to your dad. Balancing this shows your child how to balance his life when you become the old person that he is responsible for one day.

Not OP, and my dad wants to come to everything ith us. We never get time with just our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 92, recently widowed, and lives alone. He asks for very little help, but I worry about him being lonely and visit him weekly. This is not a burden to me . . . it's a privilege, and it's the least I can do for someone who made sure that I wanted for nothing and always felt loved and supported.

I don't have a hard time finding ways to make these visits enjoyable. I take him out shopping or to lunch; cook him a nice meal; run errands for and with him; play board games or cards; help him organize things around the house; watch movies and shows. Sometimes all it takes is just being there so he's not alone, even if he's doing his thing and I'm reading a book or working on a knitting or needlepoint project.

I know not everyone has an easy relationship with their parents, but it sounds like your dad is nice to be around. Be thankful for that and try to find a way to see your time with him as a gift . . . because it is even if you don't realize it now.

I wouldn't mind doing this once a week for a Dad who was kind and took care of me, but in my case, my dad has zero friends and no activities here and always wants to come along with our family. As a result, we are very limited in what we can do or else we have to leave him home. It's taking away quality family time and time withe my husband. Whenever we go on vacation we have to bring him with us, which is a huge pain as his mobility is very limited but he wants to do everything with us. I've tried getting him to go to assisted living, but he thinks they are full of old, frail people and doesn't think of himself that way.

Is this OP? If so, invite your dad to some vacations, but not all. You have a responsibility to your own family as well as to your dad. Balancing this shows your child how to balance his life when you become the old person that he is responsible for one day.

Not OP, and my dad wants to come to everything ith us. We never get time with just our family.

And he can't stay alone. If we are lucky, another family member will take him, but they don't usually want to do that, and of course he wants to come on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand you. Since your dad moved closer to you, he has nothing else going on in his life and has become your "problem" and obligation. You're most likely his only close social interaction. You feel that you're expected to be his everything, while you have your own family and activities and don't want to be all that. It's important for old people to keep their own activities and friendships. Unfortunately for some of us, our parents choices are such that there are no friendships left and suddenly their adult children are expected to fill all the empty holes in their lives. Whose idea was it for him to move close to you?

This is the only post attempting to be helpful and insightful rather than accusatory. OP- is your to-do list already pretty long? I agree with a PP that you may be burning out and not seeing it.

Give me a break. He’s visiting his father ONCE a week and doesn’t have any caretaking responsibilities. He states that his father was a good dad, but he doesn’t want to spend thus minimal time because he finds him boring.