Are there things people can say or do that you can’t really come back from, even with an apology?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Never tell your spouse they are bad in bed even if it’s true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:07 That is not remotely similar. That was something that happened to her in life and she would have no idea how you would take it. How would she know you would have been bothered by the sheer mention of your ex's name? This is about an insult that someone gave about OP when they were specifically invited by OP to enjoy in OP's hospitality. This friend of yours that ran into your ex isn't insulting you or anything you've done. You sound like a drama queen always looking for the negative.

I would expect a friend to know someone had a bad breakup/isn't ready to hear about the ex's new girlfriend.

Some of you are shit friends from the sounds of this thread.

[Anonymous]

My sibling and I are low contact. They told me they would not let me know if my parents (who live next to them) died because we’re low contact.

No coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more likely to be upset with the mutual friend who told me about the remark about my cooking, than I would with the person who didn't like my cooking.

I keep my real ones

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more likely to be upset with the mutual friend who told me about the remark about my cooking, than I would with the person who didn't like my cooking.

I’m also curious why your mutual friend decided to share that remark with you. Did they think it was for your benefit or did they have some other motive? Can you be sure that what they shared was unbiased? Why were they both talking negatively about you in the first place? Something seems off here.

Yeah, I agree with this as well.

I just had a friend who shared that she ran into my ex-bf (breakup was...not amicable lol) while he was having a drink waiting for his new gf to finish book club lol. Like...why did you go out of your way to share that with me? It wasn't critical that I ever knew this, and it really just brought up negative feelings about how he treated me at the end of our relationship. And then I thought about it and the thing is, she's not a friend. She does things like this frequently.

I would be annoyed with the friend who badmouthed you but I'd also explore why the mutual friend felt the need to share that with you.

And then if you randomly joined a book club that happened to be that book club and you found out your bestie knew he would be there from him you’d be mad at her for that. Just say you don’t like her and exit the friendship because you don’t deserve it

[Anonymous]

When we told FIL and SMIL that we were getting married, FIL immediately (in front of me and other extended family) asked H if he was “trapped.” Not only was I not pregnant, we had never had sex. I let it go to a point, but we both were horrified and it definitely set a tone. The trapped language is gross but if he had privately asked H it would be kind of understandable because we did not date for long and set a speedy wedding date.

[Anonymous]

I think one thing a person can never really come back from is a racist micro aggression. Especially at work.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read any of the posts so sorry if I missed something but based on the title of your post, yes, absolutely, I have had three people over 25 years who can't come back from what they did.

The first was mostly based on the fact that this person thought I had done something (that I didn't do), and ultimately I realized that I didn't want to be friends with someone who would think I would do something like that. We no longer lived in the same city by the time this happened so it was pretty easy to just not engage with them anymore, it's not like I created drama or avoided events or anything.

The second person did something to my kids. This was a sports professional who was upset we were changing to another group and reacted childishly to try to hurt my kids. It's hard to explain exactly what it is without going into details so I just won't care if anyone thinks I'm being petty - this went way beyond trying to keep a kid off a team. In any event, my kids were deeply hurt (and were 9 and 10 at the time) and I'll never forgive this person for doing this to them. Also, they've never offered an apology but I'm not interested even if they wanted to do so.

The third person made up a rumor about me (cheating) and spread it amongst my friends (who, ironically, this person barely knew). None of my friends believed it because it's absurd (and it's not true, you'll just have to take my word for that) but at almost 50 I am way too old for this kind of ridiculous drama so I cut this person out of my life and I have no interest in an apology for them because there is no way to come back from intentionally spreading a rumor you know is not true (and it started with her, so she wasn't simply repeating something she had heard). For what it's worth, this person is almost 20 years younger than me but was trying to date my friend (22 years her senior) and didn't like that I wasn't supportive of their relationship (which I told him when he asked, I never said that to her).

Otherwise, I am a big fan of apologies, but there are definitely some things you can't come back from, in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, someone regularly attends your dinner parties. You’ve hosted their family and friends, gone out of your way to be inclusive, and they’ve always complimented the food and the gatherings.

Then, completely unrelated to the dinners, this person is angry about something else and tells a third party that you’ve actually “never been a very good cook.” That comment gets back to you. When confronted, they say they “didn’t mean it.”

Here’s where I’m stuck. If they “didn’t mean it”, then they were willing to weaponize my hospitality to score points or hurt me while angry. If they did mean it, then they were dishonest for years and chose a moment of conflict to unload it. Either way, it feels less about food and more about trust and respect. I’m having trouble seeing a path forward where I continue hosting this person in my home. Not out of spite, but because something fundamental feels broken. Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to decide that some dynamics don’t recover once you see how someone behaves when they’re upset?

I posted that I have been in situations in which I would not accept an apology. In your case, I would get over it. You seem to take your hosting very seriously, and, as someone who hosts a lot, I understand...to a certain extent.

Some thoughts:

- People compliment food at parties because it's the nice thing to do, not because they genuinely mean it. I try very hard to be genuine in my life, so I don't give out fake compliments often BUT if someone hosted me for dinner I would tell them it was delicious even if I didn't particularly like it. It's kind of what you do in those situations so I wouldn't take their compliments so seriously.

- What is this person angry with you about? I'm not saying you deserve to have your cooking slandered, I'm just curious what happened that led to them saying you aren't a good cook.

- Saying you're not a good cook is mean, obviously, but it's very, very low on the list of things I would be offended by. That doesn't mean it doesn't mean more to you, I get that, but it doesn't go to your character, i.e. they're not saying you're a bad person, just that they don't like you cooking. Which, by the way, may mean that they don't like the way you cook, not that you're a bad cook. I mean, if you've ever watched shows with professional chefs, sometimes people just don't like what they made. I don't think it's quite the indictment you think it is (although I understand why you were hurt and I'm sorry).

- I'm a bit shocked that you confronted them about it, but ok, you did. And then they said they didn't mean it, likely to diffuse the situation. Sure, they could have (should have) owned it and said they're sorry they said it, they were speaking in anger, whatever, but instead they said they didn't mean it. People aren't at their best when confronted, in case you didn't know that. I wouldn't put much stock in the words they said in that moment.

- I think you're taking the comment very seriously and it doesn't merit that. Again, this person told someone else you aren't a very good cook. Unless you own a restaurant in which you are the cook, it doesn't really matter? Again, this wasn't a character assassination, it was akin to saying you don't like how someone dresses. Unless you're a professional stylist, who cares? Not everyone has the same taste.

TLDR, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but I think you are way overthinking this and giving it a lot more headspace than it should. The person was angry with you (focus on why that was!) and said something kind of petty. This is something I would 100% get over, but that's me, it doesn't mean it's the right answer for you. I hope you are able to find peace in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The relationship is fractured now, you both know it, and it’s fine to limit interactions with this person.

How close were the two of you, OP? To me, if a casual acquaintance said something mean about me I'd probably be less likely to forgive and forget, but if it was a good friend then I'd be willing to work on repairing the friendship. I'm a little shocked to hear you say they broke your trust - I get that you feel lied to, but it's not really that big of a thing, respectfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is within your power to forgive anything, but whether it's worth it to you to do that is another question.

LOL good luck finding someone who never, ever says something that hurts your feelings. On this planet, anyway.

And also, consider that there is a lot that's said that you never find out about. People are all different. I have 100% expressed my frustration with my best friend to my husband. The issues weren't things worth bringing up with her (an example could be her cooking) but no one loves everything everyone does all the time. I understand that you did hear about this, but I think you need slightly thicker skin to realize that there are probably far more serious things people may not like about you, you just aren't aware of them. That's part of being a human and having friends. We all annoy each other from time to time but that doesn't mean we have to cut each other off every time some disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the "friend" who told you, did you no favors. I wouldn't consider that third-party a friend.

Who relays a message like that? They meant to hurt you, probably more, than the person who they-say said it.

+1

That plus the fact that this friend was angry with you about something else tells me there is a lot more drama in your friend group than someone using too much salt when they cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, someone regularly attends your dinner parties. You’ve hosted their family and friends, gone out of your way to be inclusive, and they’ve always complimented the food and the gatherings.

Then, completely unrelated to the dinners, this person is angry about something else and tells a third party that you’ve actually “never been a very good cook.” That comment gets back to you. When confronted, they say they “didn’t mean it.”

Here’s where I’m stuck. If they “didn’t mean it”, then they were willing to weaponize my hospitality to score points or hurt me while angry. If they did mean it, then they were dishonest for years and chose a moment of conflict to unload it. Either way, it feels less about food and more about trust and respect. I’m having trouble seeing a path forward where I continue hosting this person in my home. Not out of spite, but because something fundamental feels broken. Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to decide that some dynamics don’t recover once you see how someone behaves when they’re upset?

Absolutely. I had a boss once who was impossible a and he was genuinely loathed by everyone. I finally couldn't stand him any longer and found a new job.

He insisted on an exit interview, which was his review of all my faults. Eventually , he asked if I had anything to say and I was tempted to tell him he was an obnoxious jerk and it was easy to understand why his son had committed suicide. But that voice we call our conscience told me that he would never recover from this and I said no, stood up, wished him well, and left.

I also believe that I would never have recovered if I had told him that.

I'm not going to derail the thread with this but you get zero credit for not having said those words out loud. The fact that you even thought that is disgusting. You need to really work on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be more surprised and hurt that my friend was talking smack about me behind my back and the content of her bad mouthing wouldn’t really matter.

If they were talking about cooking and she said “Karla isn’t a very good cook but she has some recipes I’ve tried myself and liked”, and you over heard and her response was “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be unkind - what a stupid thing for me to say out loud, I’m sorry”, I’d totally forget about it and move on.

Again- the problem is your friend got angry and said a mean thing about you behind your back for the sole purpose of hurting your feelings. Doesn’t matter what the thing is she said

I'd be more concerned about why my friend was so angry about me in the first place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine for you to decide you don’t want the person around bc that specific comment (even if trivial to some) is a trust breaker for you.

I had a friend for years I was very close to, we’d gone on family trips together, been there for milestones. She had a big personality and would often say little things I’d brush off as just her being unfiltered. Then one time, very casually and laughing, she made a really mean comment about my dh out of the blue and laughing. That was it for me and I distanced myself.

I had a friend like this and I also hit a breaking point. I'm someone who will give someone a lot of rope if the "offense" is just talk, but there are limits and at some point you've just had enough. I also think in my case the "friend" was actually intentionally being rude to me out of some hostility (no idea where it came from) and then was concealing it with "just kidding." Earlier on when I thought maybe she was just very uncouth or didn't have a good filter, I was forgiving, but with time it really started to seem like the comments were intended to make me feel bad. I stopped feeling like I was getting anything good out of the relationship.