Are there things people can say or do that you can’t really come back from, even with an apology?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be more surprised and hurt that my friend was talking smack about me behind my back and the content of her bad mouthing wouldn’t really matter.

If they were talking about cooking and she said “Karla isn’t a very good cook but she has some recipes I’ve tried myself and liked”, and you over heard and her response was “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be unkind - what a stupid thing for me to say out loud, I’m sorry”, I’d totally forget about it and move on.

Again- the problem is your friend got angry and said a mean thing about you behind your back for the sole purpose of hurting your feelings. Doesn’t matter what the thing is she said

I can't fathom a world in which calling me a bad cook would hurt my feelings. That's the part that's odd. If you wanted to say I was a bad person, that's different. But a bad cook? I don't even think it would register to me. Obviously OP is different but I still can't imagine this being a truly "mean" thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine for you to decide you don’t want the person around bc that specific comment (even if trivial to some) is a trust breaker for you.

I had a friend for years I was very close to, we’d gone on family trips together, been there for milestones. She had a big personality and would often say little things I’d brush off as just her being unfiltered. Then one time, very casually and laughing, she made a really mean comment about my dh out of the blue and laughing. That was it for me and I distanced myself.

What did she say about him?

If someone said they thought my husband was ugly I'd shrug it off. I think he's quite good looking and that's all that matters. If they said he was stupid, I'd think they were crazy because he's not. Now, if they said they thought he was an abuser or something, that's a different ballgame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I disagree with the person saying this is no big deal.

I had a "friend" that was always just so nice and then one day CC'ed me on an email just trashing me.

Never again did I trust that person. Snake in the grass person to be avoided.

Beyond insulting your cooking? Because, considering what was in the email you read, if all it had said was that you were a bad cook, do you really think you'd have been upset as you were to read what you read?

[Anonymous]

Regarding apologies, a lot depends for me on who soon they apologize and the nature of the apology.

I once had a friend absolutely refuse to apologize for some unkind things she did for over a year, and then the apology took the form of "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I meant." That was a situation where the apology actually made me dislike her more, because she'd worked so hard to avoid giving it and then when she did it wasn't a real apology, basically telling me it was my own fault if I was upset. Nope. She is responsible for the words that come out of her mouth and she had a year to clarify or explain. Also if something I do causes a friend distress, I will apologize for causing the distress even if it was totally unintended and due to a misunderstanding, because I care about my friends and don't want them to feel bad.

Some people have no capacity for taking responsibility for their own behavior. Also, some people freak out at the idea that they might be at fault or even just partially at fault for something -- they will blame everyone but themselves. It's just immaturity. I don't have the energy for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be more likely to be upset with the mutual friend who told me about the remark about my cooking, than I would with the person who didn't like my cooking.

I’m also curious why your mutual friend decided to share that remark with you. Did they think it was for your benefit or did they have some other motive? Can you be sure that what they shared was unbiased? Why were they both talking negatively about you in the first place? Something seems off here.

Yeah, I agree with this as well.

I just had a friend who shared that she ran into my ex-bf (breakup was...not amicable lol) while he was having a drink waiting for his new gf to finish book club lol. Like...why did you go out of your way to share that with me? It wasn't critical that I ever knew this, and it really just brought up negative feelings about how he treated me at the end of our relationship. And then I thought about it and the thing is, she's not a friend. She does things like this frequently.

I would be annoyed with the friend who badmouthed you but I'd also explore why the mutual friend felt the need to share that with you.

If you think your "friend" told you that she ran into your ex in order to make you upset and stir up all those feelings then yes, you don't need to be friends with people like that. Friends should want to make you feel good, not bad.

However, if you friend told you a fact and didn't know you'd get so upset about it, you're being really dramatic in your response. But, you sound very young so I guess that's not surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:07 That is not remotely similar. That was something that happened to her in life and she would have no idea how you would take it. How would she know you would have been bothered by the sheer mention of your ex's name? This is about an insult that someone gave about OP when they were specifically invited by OP to enjoy in OP's hospitality. This friend of yours that ran into your ex isn't insulting you or anything you've done. You sound like a drama queen always looking for the negative.

DP I think it's pretty common sense that it's courteous not to bring up people's exes to them. I don't do that, but I'm polite.

If someone told me they had run into ANY of my exes I wouldn't be upset with them. But I'm not a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:07 That is not remotely similar. That was something that happened to her in life and she would have no idea how you would take it. How would she know you would have been bothered by the sheer mention of your ex's name? This is about an insult that someone gave about OP when they were specifically invited by OP to enjoy in OP's hospitality. This friend of yours that ran into your ex isn't insulting you or anything you've done. You sound like a drama queen always looking for the negative.

Uh, okay. I was giving an example of a friend who told me things I didn't need to know. It doesn't matter that it's not similar because it's just an example. My point is, I think the friend was unkind for talking shit and I think the other friend was unkind for reporting back to OP.

Not PP but it the difference is OP's friend said OP was a bad cook for the sole purpose of hurting OP's feelings. (Whether or not it was quite the barb OP is making it out to be is a moot point). Your friend told you a fact, that she ran into your ex. Unless she did it for the sole purpose of hurting your feelings, the two stories are not remotely the same. Do you really not see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s fine for you to decide you don’t want the person around bc that specific comment (even if trivial to some) is a trust breaker for you.

I had a friend for years I was very close to, we’d gone on family trips together, been there for milestones. She had a big personality and would often say little things I’d brush off as just her being unfiltered. Then one time, very casually and laughing, she made a really mean comment about my dh out of the blue and laughing. That was it for me and I distanced myself.

What did she say about him?

If someone said they thought my husband was ugly I'd shrug it off. I think he's quite good looking and that's all that matters. If they said he was stupid, I'd think they were crazy because he's not. Now, if they said they thought he was an abuser or something, that's a different ballgame.

DP. I would personally not want to be friends with someone who thought it was funny to call my husband ugly or stupid, even if I knew those things were not true. Those aren't funny jokes. It's not that I'd be worried that it was true, it's that it's just a rude, weird thing to say. Either they actually think those things, in which case I don't want to be around someone who thinks so poorly of someone I love, or they think it's fun to insult people for no reason, in which case they just have a bad sense of humor and a bad personality. Either way, no thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it’s odd that you confronted them. Who cares if they think you’re not a good cook. You made it weird. What did you expect them to say? It’s not a performance review.

+1000

I would never bring that up to someone. That doesn't mean I would completely ignore it, I might not invite them to dinners anymore, although I still think that's a bit dramatic, but that is not worth confronting someone about, goodness. Also, the person who told you about it is now going to have issues since you betrayed her trust. So have fun with the consequences of what you did (to make this friend angry in the first place and then the way you handled it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it’s odd that you confronted them. Who cares if they think you’re not a good cook. You made it weird. What did you expect them to say? It’s not a performance review.

If it's not a performance review, why review the performance to a mutual friend?

Again, you all are missing the point. It's not that OP may be a bad cook. It's that someone she was kind to was unkind.

Except that the friend was angry with OP - WHY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend that shared this with you is worse than the friend who made the disparaging comment about your cooking. They were trying to hurt you and succeeded. The other friend was just venting and didn't expect to be snitched on.

Can I play devil's advocate here? If my friend Ellen said something mean about my friend Sarah and Sarah thought that Ellen was her best friend ever and trusted her with her feelings and told her lots of things and I thought Ellen was going to reckless or flat out destructive with that information, I could see wanting to warn Sarah.

Now, in this case, I think you're probably right because WTF cares if someone says they're a bad cook? It's not like OP told the friend some deep dark secret and the friend betrayed OP's trust. The friend shared her opinion (which may or may not be true) about something trivial. So in that case, I agree that the other friend was just being a pot stirrer and should have stayed out of it.

I guess I'm asking if you agree that there are some things that someone should be told about when they're said behind their back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of you in this thread are the sort of people who frequently say something incredibly shitty under the guise of “Just being honest!”

I have never, not once in my entire life, ever said something to someone for the purpose of hurting them. Not in an argument, not out of anger, never. I think that's the lowest kind of communication. So I'm curious which comments you think were made by people who would do what you said because I have commented on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:07 That is not remotely similar. That was something that happened to her in life and she would have no idea how you would take it. How would she know you would have been bothered by the sheer mention of your ex's name? This is about an insult that someone gave about OP when they were specifically invited by OP to enjoy in OP's hospitality. This friend of yours that ran into your ex isn't insulting you or anything you've done. You sound like a drama queen always looking for the negative.

DP I think it's pretty common sense that it's courteous not to bring up people's exes to them. I don't do that, but I'm polite.

If someone told me they had run into ANY of my exes I wouldn't be upset with them. But I'm not a drama queen.

DP. I think it depends on the situation. I wouldn't be upset with someone who brought up one of my exes but there are situations where it would be awkward. Also it might depend on how they brought it up.

I had a friend once who ALWAYS brought up this woman I'd worked with and not gotten along with, whenever we hung out. Sometimes she'd tell me mean or negative things about this woman, I think to try and get me to gossip. Other times she'd tell me positive things, I'm not sure why. I would generally respond by saying something like "that's nice" or "that's too bad" and then "you know I'm not friends with her, so..." and then try to change the subject. But she still kept doing it.

I don't know if she was trying to bait me or if maybe just did it compulsively but it was really annoying and over time I stopped hanging out with this friend because the conversation was boring and awkward. So even when it's not *offensive* to be bringing up an ex (or in this case an ex-colleague), it's a weird thing to keep mentioning and indicates poor conversational skills and lack of situational awareness. Why not talk about something you both enjoy instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend shared personal information about me with others before I was ready for it to be shared. I addressed it directly and told her that the behavior was inappropriate. She became angry and ended the conversation abruptly.

After that, she shared the disparaging comment about me with a mutual 19yo acquaintance, which then made its way back to me. Given the timing, it felt retaliatory rather than incidental.

The core issue wasn’t the later comment, she can think whatever she wants to think, it was that when a boundary was named, it was met with anger and followed by behavior that further undermined trust.

This was OP

You're not making sense. So you told Sally something personal (say, your husband cheated on you) and then Sally told Karen about it. You then went to Sally and told her you were upset about what she did. Sally got mad and walked away. Then Sally told Kate that Sally thought you were a bad cook and Kate told you what Sally said. Is that right?

If so, why on earth are you upset about the cooking comment? For crying out loud, the reason you shouldn't be friends with Sally anymore is because she talked about your personal business to others and betrayed your trust, not because she dissed your cooking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend shared personal information about me with others before I was ready for it to be shared. I addressed it directly and told her that the behavior was inappropriate. She became angry and ended the conversation abruptly.

After that, she shared the disparaging comment about me with a mutual 19yo acquaintance, which then made its way back to me. Given the timing, it felt retaliatory rather than incidental.

The core issue wasn’t the later comment, she can think whatever she wants to think, it was that when a boundary was named, it was met with anger and followed by behavior that further undermined trust.

**What** **The** **hell** OP??? Why did you make this thread about your cooking when it's clearly so much worse? Drop this "friend" -- and I already said up thread not to. I take that back. She sucks.

Seriously. It took you FIVE PAGES to tell the actual story? WTH.