Reply to Are there things people can say or do that you can’t really come back from, even with an apology?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For years, someone regularly attends your dinner parties. You’ve hosted their family and friends, gone out of your way to be inclusive, and they’ve always complimented the food and the gatherings.

Then, completely unrelated to the dinners, this person is angry about something else and tells a third party that you’ve actually “never been a very good cook.” That comment gets back to you. When confronted, they say they “didn’t mean it.”

Here’s where I’m stuck. If they “didn’t mean it”, then they were willing to weaponize my hospitality to score points or hurt me while angry. If they did mean it, then they were dishonest for years and chose a moment of conflict to unload it. Either way, it feels less about food and more about trust and respect. I’m having trouble seeing a path forward where I continue hosting this person in my home. Not out of spite, but because something fundamental feels broken. Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to decide that some dynamics don’t recover once you see how someone behaves when they’re upset?[/quote]

I posted that I have been in situations in which I would not accept an apology. In your case, I would get over it. You seem to take your hosting very seriously, and, as someone who hosts a lot, I understand...to a certain extent.

Some thoughts:

- People compliment food at parties because it's the nice thing to do, not because they genuinely mean it. I try very hard to be genuine in my life, so I don't give out fake compliments often BUT if someone hosted me for dinner I would tell them it was delicious even if I didn't particularly like it. It's kind of what you do in those situations so I wouldn't take their compliments so seriously.

- What is this person angry with you about? I'm not saying you deserve to have your cooking slandered, I'm just curious what happened that led to them saying you aren't a good cook.

- Saying you're not a good cook is mean, obviously, but it's very, very low on the list of things I would be offended by. That doesn't mean it doesn't mean more to you, I get that, but it doesn't go to your character, i.e. they're not saying you're a bad person, just that they don't like you cooking. Which, by the way, may mean that they don't like the way you cook, not that you're a bad cook. I mean, if you've ever watched shows with professional chefs, sometimes people just don't like what they made. I don't think it's quite the indictment you think it is (although I understand why you were hurt and I'm sorry).

- I'm a bit shocked that you confronted them about it, but ok, you did. And then they said they didn't mean it, likely to diffuse the situation. Sure, they could have (should have) owned it and said they're sorry they said it, they were speaking in anger, whatever, but instead they said they didn't mean it. People aren't at their best when confronted, in case you didn't know that. I wouldn't put much stock in the words they said in that moment.

- I think you're taking the comment very seriously and it doesn't merit that. Again, this person told someone else you aren't a very good cook. Unless you own a restaurant in which you are the cook, it doesn't really matter? Again, this wasn't a character assassination, it was akin to saying you don't like how someone dresses. Unless you're a professional stylist, who cares? Not everyone has the same taste.

TLDR, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but I think you are way overthinking this and giving it a lot more headspace than it should. The person was angry with you (focus on why that was!) and said something kind of petty. This is something I would 100% get over, but that's me, it doesn't mean it's the right answer for you. I hope you are able to find peace in this situation. [/quote]

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