Are there things people can say or do that you can’t really come back from, even with an apology?

[Anonymous]

For years, someone regularly attends your dinner parties. You’ve hosted their family and friends, gone out of your way to be inclusive, and they’ve always complimented the food and the gatherings.

Then, completely unrelated to the dinners, this person is angry about something else and tells a third party that you’ve actually “never been a very good cook.” That comment gets back to you. When confronted, they say they “didn’t mean it.”

Here’s where I’m stuck. If they “didn’t mean it”, then they were willing to weaponize my hospitality to score points or hurt me while angry. If they did mean it, then they were dishonest for years and chose a moment of conflict to unload it. Either way, it feels less about food and more about trust and respect. I’m having trouble seeing a path forward where I continue hosting this person in my home. Not out of spite, but because something fundamental feels broken. Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to decide that some dynamics don’t recover once you see how someone behaves when they’re upset?

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting a bit but also I would probably overreact a bit so I get it. I would take a break from inviting them to events where you cook, but not cut them out completely.

[Anonymous]

To answer the question in the title, yes there are things you can’t come back from.

But what you describe isn’t one of those things.

[Anonymous]

The answer to your question in the title is yes, there are things that a person would say that I would not be able to get over. But not liking my cooking is not one of them. It would have to be a lot more serious than that. I assume there is more to this story?

[Anonymous]

The relationship is fractured now, you both know it, and it’s fine to limit interactions with this person.

[Anonymous]

Think of friendships like a dart board. The bullseye is very small it has a few very trusted friends.

The next circle has friends, close friends but not fully trusted with your emotions.

the next circle are acquaintances.

Where was this person on your dart board?

[Anonymous]

OP the very best host in my circle is a mediocre cook. I would never say such a thing to her or about her to people who know her, but I love to be invited to her home for parties or dinner parties, I eat her Sandra Lee-esque creations, and I laugh and have so much fun with the groups of people she brings together. I think this woman hurt your feelings and I'm sorry that she did, but I don't think it's like, "you have crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed" here. Bringing it back to trust is strange to me. She didn't shoot your dog or steal your passport, she said you were not a very good cook. Take a breath.

[Anonymous]

It is within your power to forgive anything, but whether it's worth it to you to do that is another question.

[Anonymous]

That would hurt my feelings enough to be done.

[Anonymous]

What is she angry about? Why would this even come up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the question in the title, yes there are things you can’t come back from.

But what you describe isn’t one of those things.

+1 This is life with humans.

[Anonymous]

I would not invite them for a while and wait to see what they do to smooth the relationship - they should invite you over or make a similar gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is within your power to forgive anything, but whether it's worth it to you to do that is another question.

LOL good luck finding someone who never, ever says something that hurts your feelings. On this planet, anyway.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is not the diss itself but the fact that she was bad mouthing you to another person. That is a sign you need to take a break from her for a while.

I like the point above that a dinner party isn't about the food at all, but about the gathering. If this person isn't contributing positively to your gathering, or makes you feel on edge, then don't include her.

[Anonymous]

Yes.