S/O What motivates men to string women along for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

This is the best nugget of wisdom in this thread. Most men have zero clue what women want and can’t articulate their own feelings.

It took me way too long to go after what I wanted. Prior to my now-wife, I was sliding in and out of relationships that were not right for me. I’d stay way too long because that was the easiest thing to do. I had zero clue what I was doing with life.

-A Man

This is so interesting. I’m dating a man who seems to have no real input on anything. Whenever I try to talk about the future, our relationship, anything we can improve on, he has nothing to say. Just shrugs and says “I’m fine” or “nothing” or “I dunno”.

Even when I’ve tried to spice up our sex life by asking him what new things he wants to try, he just says “nothing, I’m just happy to get any”.

It’s so annoying! I’m very attracted to men who have a sense of purpose, not those who are aimlessly bouncing around life.

And yet....nevermind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

This is the best nugget of wisdom in this thread. Most men have zero clue what women want and can’t articulate their own feelings.

It took me way too long to go after what I wanted. Prior to my now-wife, I was sliding in and out of relationships that were not right for me. I’d stay way too long because that was the easiest thing to do. I had zero clue what I was doing with life.

-A Man

This is so interesting. I’m dating a man who seems to have no real input on anything. Whenever I try to talk about the future, our relationship, anything we can improve on, he has nothing to say. Just shrugs and says “I’m fine” or “nothing” or “I dunno”.

Even when I’ve tried to spice up our sex life by asking him what new things he wants to try, he just says “nothing, I’m just happy to get any”.

It’s so annoying! I’m very attracted to men who have a sense of purpose, not those who are aimlessly bouncing around life.

No you’re not.

Read your post again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

This is the best nugget of wisdom in this thread. Most men have zero clue what women want and can’t articulate their own feelings.

It took me way too long to go after what I wanted. Prior to my now-wife, I was sliding in and out of relationships that were not right for me. I’d stay way too long because that was the easiest thing to do. I had zero clue what I was doing with life.

-A Man

This is so interesting. I’m dating a man who seems to have no real input on anything. Whenever I try to talk about the future, our relationship, anything we can improve on, he has nothing to say. Just shrugs and says “I’m fine” or “nothing” or “I dunno”.

Even when I’ve tried to spice up our sex life by asking him what new things he wants to try, he just says “nothing, I’m just happy to get any”.

It’s so annoying! I’m very attracted to men who have a sense of purpose, not those who are aimlessly bouncing around life.

No you’re not.

Read your post again.

Right? I'm PP above you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

This is the best nugget of wisdom in this thread. Most men have zero clue what women want and can’t articulate their own feelings.

It took me way too long to go after what I wanted. Prior to my now-wife, I was sliding in and out of relationships that were not right for me. I’d stay way too long because that was the easiest thing to do. I had zero clue what I was doing with life.

-A Man

This is so interesting. I’m dating a man who seems to have no real input on anything. Whenever I try to talk about the future, our relationship, anything we can improve on, he has nothing to say. Just shrugs and says “I’m fine” or “nothing” or “I dunno”.

Even when I’ve tried to spice up our sex life by asking him what new things he wants to try, he just says “nothing, I’m just happy to get any”.

It’s so annoying! I’m very attracted to men who have a sense of purpose, not those who are aimlessly bouncing around life.

Yuck.

Aimless and indecisive never stops. Good luck raising kids owning a house with that type of loser.

The weird thing is he’s actually done really well in his career. He takes his job seriously. But the rest of life, he just doesn’t really care what happens.

So what.

That’s for ego and image and money.

No correlation to love, taking care of someone, communication skills, and running a household or making good personal decisions.

[Anonymous]

What motivates people to BE strung along for years?

[Anonymous]

Women let them.

[Anonymous]

From all the men I know: free sex. They like a steady supply- so they will keep hitting it and only leave if they fall hard for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

That’s some 1990s “The Ring” sh@t. lol

We all read that and practiced it. That book was even mentioned on SATC😂

lol…it’s not “The Ring,” it’s “The Rules!”

Although I like the idea that if he doesn’t propose within six days of watching the video, she’s going to crawl out of a well and get him

Ha! Yes! Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

That’s some 1990s “The Ring” sh@t. lol

We all read that and practiced it. That book was even mentioned on SATC😂

lol…it’s not “The Ring,” it’s “The Rules!”

Although I like the idea that if he doesn’t propose within six days of watching the video, she’s going to crawl out of a well and get him

Ha! Yes! Thanks

People bashed that book—but I know all of my college friends practiced a lot of it and all married good/desirable men before 30 (in their late 20s). Most then waited 4-5 years to have their first kid which was better on the marriage and careers.

[Anonymous]

Both people make choices and choose to be in a relationship. I don’t believe in the whole string along thing at all. But neither am I traditional where I think proposals and engagement rings and wedding planning are the pinnacle of a woman’s life and something to obsess over and focus on.

If a woman wants to stay in a dating relationship because a surprise proposal and expensive ring are the most important thing in her life, then fine but you aren’t being strung along. If you want to be a law or participant in your own life, don’t complain when the driver isn’t doing what you want. Women are more than capable of being active autonomous beings who make their own decisions about the life they want. If they choose passivity, then that is the choice they make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

That’s some 1990s “The Ring” sh@t. lol

We all read that and practiced it. That book was even mentioned on SATC😂

lol…it’s not “The Ring,” it’s “The Rules!”

Although I like the idea that if he doesn’t propose within six days of watching the video, she’s going to crawl out of a well and get him

Ha! Yes! Thanks

People bashed that book—but I know all of my college friends practiced a lot of it and all married good/desirable men before 30 (in their late 20s). Most then waited 4-5 years to have their first kid which was better on the marriage and careers.

Encourage pursuit: The book's central idea is that men are more interested in a challenge and that a woman should make him work to win her over.

Maintain dignity: Following the rules is presented as a way for women to treat themselves with respect and demand the same from men.

Lead a full life: The rules encourage women to have a busy and satisfying life outside of romance, so they are not overly dependent on a man.

Goal is marriage: The ultimate goal of following the rules is to find a husband in the shortest time possible.

Examples of rules
Rule #1: "You are a creature unlike any other".
Don't call him first: A woman should never initiate contact.
Limit dates: Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
No kissing on the first date: This is a rule that requires discipline.
Don't talk to him first: A woman should not initiate a conversation with a man she is interested in.

^^^ the premise of the rules

[Anonymous]

^ it’s pretty much the opposite of the trad wife movement.

Basically have your own life and career and be fulfilled first. Men see that do the ones that like it are the ones that are good husband material…not the losers that want the subservient women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From all the men I know: free sex. They like a steady supply- so they will keep hitting it and only leave if they fall hard for someone else.

But wouldn’t the guy keep getting “free sex” if he married her? Unless the woman is just using sex to lure him in and then planning to stop once she’s got the ring….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

Umm…I’ve been told over and over again by DCUM that marriage is a terrible deal for women and great for men….

[Anonymous]

Both realize the other wants them for reasons other than a truly committed life long partnership. He enjoys the sex, she wants the expensive jewelry, his money, social media pictures, a special moment she can post online.

Neither is ever focused on actually wanting the other person as a life long partnership. So the guy has no incentive as he knows it isn’t about wanting to be with him as a person but rather what he buys and gives her and the social media content.