S/O What motivates men to string women along for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

If women understand this generally, there would be no need for this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess she has no agency at all. She is completely at the mercy of his whims. She couldn’t have broken up with him at any point. So sad!

She’s only 26 so she has plenty of time to recover! Next time she should keep playing the field until someone is ready to commit.

[Anonymous]

They just don't think about it at all. That's why, so often, after that woman finally dumps him, he marries the next one. It forces him to do some self-evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

That’s some 1990s “The Ring” sh@t. lol

We all read that and practiced it. That book was even mentioned on SATC😂

[Anonymous]

Simple, unless you are Tom Brady or George Clooney, dating is much more difficult for men. Read the threads on here. Women have an endless supply of dating choices off the apps. So men would rather hang on rather than be out there again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

So true. 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with an ex. He strung me along for 4 years.

I think for him, it was just that he followed the path of least resistance. I wouldn't move in unless he agreed to get engaged, so he agreed. Then once I did move in, he didn't propose because it was just too much work. But he wouldn't break up because that was also too much work. The easiest thing was just to coast for 3 more years and deal with my outbursts every 3-4 months, until I had enough and left him. Then he bought a cheap ring and proposed in a really lame way to try to keep me from leaving.

Someone here once described it as, there are people who slide into a relationship (just do what is easy) vs people who decide into a relationship (make a conscious decision). He was a slider, and I could never get him to have an actual conversation about what he wanted.

He was good with you being in pain unless the pain caused you to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

That’s some 1990s “The Ring” sh@t. lol

We all read that and practiced it. That book was even mentioned on SATC😂

lol…it’s not “The Ring,” it’s “The Rules!”

Although I like the idea that if he doesn’t propose within six days of watching the video, she’s going to crawl out of a well and get him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

Agreed. I also think most single men don’t know anything about women’s fertility.
They aren’t purposefully trying to screw you out of being able to be a mother. They are just dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

I'm not that old, and this is basically what happened with my now husband. After two years of dating, I was like, I really like you, and we have a lot of fun together, and I hope we can remain friends, but I'd like to start dating other people because I'm hoping to find someone who wants to get married and start a family. He proposed the next night. Some men are just clueless with no ill intentions.

[Anonymous]

Women need to plan their future, speak it and act on it and not sit around passive waiting for some old fashioned proposal. Decide together, have the conversation, probably many conversations

And a rant. This return to asking her Father for his blessing, this just sickens me. Even decades ago, my friends and I would not have put up with this line of thinking. And I say this even when husbands had good enough relationships w/our parents.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many women want to get married, still — still — given how bad marriage is for most women. I feel like there is a disconnect here that needs to be fixed. It’s just accepted without any thought. And then they go campaigning to get married and blame their boyfriends for stringing them along, etc.

The institution is broken. Give up. You have a preview of the future right in front of you with your indecisive boyfriend. Men are not going to help you with your mental load. They’re going to feign incompetence so you have to do the summer camps and Christmas and the birthday parties and every single other thing you haven’t specifically asked them to do. You’re on your own whether you are married or not. Stop being so pathetic and begging a man for something you are going to hate. You’re not doing him any favors either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

You need to work on your reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with an ex. He strung me along for 4 years.

I think for him, it was just that he followed the path of least resistance. I wouldn't move in unless he agreed to get engaged, so he agreed. Then once I did move in, he didn't propose because it was just too much work. But he wouldn't break up because that was also too much work. The easiest thing was just to coast for 3 more years and deal with my outbursts every 3-4 months, until I had enough and left him. Then he bought a cheap ring and proposed in a really lame way to try to keep me from leaving.

Someone here once described it as, there are people who slide into a relationship (just do what is easy) vs people who decide into a relationship (make a conscious decision). He was a slider, and I could never get him to have an actual conversation about what he wanted.

Men like this are scum. Just keep you a little bit..

[Anonymous]

Just propose to him. Will you marry me? No? Ok bye. Don’t twist his arm and make him propose to you, that’s really just you proposing and lying about who is doing it.