S/O What motivates men to string women along for years?

[Anonymous]

I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

[Anonymous]

You already know the answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Because they can have their cake and eat it too. Why would they end the relationship when they can get what they want? Obviously I'm not saying it's right, but if she continues to put up with it, why is he going to change anything?

[Anonymous]

Because some people are users.

[Anonymous]

Because they are selfish and fear conflict.

[Anonymous]

I was in a situation like this, I gave him an ultimatum and I knew his answer so when he finally did break up with me I told him I already know. Turns out he had been seeing someone towards the end of the relationship so I think he was stringing me along until someone better came along. (He divorced her after a year so so much for waiting for the right girl, meanwhile I’m about to celebrate my 20th) I’m a firm believer that if he’s stringing you along, he is not interested in you, he’s just biding time for someone better.

[Anonymous]

An anecdote about this. Told by a long married, older neighbor. She told her long term boyfriend, "I want to be married to you. But if you don't want to be married, I need to be dating other people." And she did. And no longer saw him. He had some months experiencing this new normal, evaluated his feelings and intentions and proposed marriage.

This is what I would suggest to young women. Women who do want to be married. If you don't want to be married that's ok too. But if you do, it's not exactly an ultimatum. It's just stating the truth. I can't be devoted to you, for any longer, if you're not wanting to be married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read the thread about the 26yo whose 34yo boyfriend still hasn’t proposed after 3 years of dating and it has got me thinking about why men do this.

I know many women who’ve experienced this. The guy would always know that his girlfriend wants commitment and he knew he wasn’t planning to her give her that, yet, would continue to date her and waste years of her time.

Why aren’t they just upfront about their intentions and end the relationship?

As I get older I see that women don't give themselves enough agency. That can always leave when they are not getting what they want. No need to be a victim.

We also give men too much credit for having a 'motivation'. They generally have no idea what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

I went through this with an ex. He strung me along for 4 years.

I think for him, it was just that he followed the path of least resistance. I wouldn't move in unless he agreed to get engaged, so he agreed. Then once I did move in, he didn't propose because it was just too much work. But he wouldn't break up because that was also too much work. The easiest thing was just to coast for 3 more years and deal with my outbursts every 3-4 months, until I had enough and left him. Then he bought a cheap ring and proposed in a really lame way to try to keep me from leaving.

Someone here once described it as, there are people who slide into a relationship (just do what is easy) vs people who decide into a relationship (make a conscious decision). He was a slider, and I could never get him to have an actual conversation about what he wanted.

[Anonymous]

Men enjoy regular sex without long term commitment or putting in any effort.

[Anonymous]

I guess she has no agency at all. She is completely at the mercy of his whims. She couldn’t have broken up with him at any point. So sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with an ex. He strung me along for 4 years.

I think for him, it was just that he followed the path of least resistance. I wouldn't move in unless he agreed to get engaged, so he agreed. Then once I did move in, he didn't propose because it was just too much work. But he wouldn't break up because that was also too much work. The easiest thing was just to coast for 3 more years and deal with my outbursts every 3-4 months, until I had enough and left him. Then he bought a cheap ring and proposed in a really lame way to try to keep me from leaving.

Someone here once described it as, there are people who slide into a relationship (just do what is easy) vs people who decide into a relationship (make a conscious decision). He was a slider, and I could never get him to have an actual conversation about what he wanted.

Yes, I was in a years-long relationship with a "slider." He would get complacent in each relationship for years, but had no interest in making any of them permanent. Nice guy, generally passive in life.

[Anonymous]

This happened to a relative, though he did end up marrying her after 10 or maybe even more years together when she was 44. In this case, I suspect he didn't want kids and waited until she was past her fertility window.

[Anonymous]

The man has bagged the deer so he no longer has to work at a relationship anymore. He gets the milk for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they can have their cake and eat it too. Why would they end the relationship when they can get what they want? Obviously I'm not saying it's right, but if she continues to put up with it, why is he going to change anything?

This poster put it more crudely but basically the man is happy with the relationship as-is. They don’t want more or less, so is the burden on them to do anything?