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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Change you expectations or just get a divorce[/quote]

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?[/quote]

Not PP but I think your options are:

1) Divorce. He either will or won't get some custody and either will or won't step up when he has the kids. There are a lot of unknowns here, including the biggest, to me, that he might start a second family.

2) Acknowledge and accept that this is who you are married to. I think this is what the PP is saying. You aren't going to change him, so find a way to live with what you've got (or, rather, don't have). Work to find a way to drop the resentment of carrying the mental load, find ways to lighten your load, etc.

3) Try to fix it. I think this option is where most people get stuck because this is either going to work or not, but being here is like being in purgatory and you don't want to be here forever. Therapy, individually and as a couple, would be the best way to go here, and it requires a lot of humility, willingness to be uncomfortable, and actual work (on both sides). I would try this path first BUT would do so with a timeline in mind. After X months, option 1 or 2 is where you need to be if you cannot find a place where you both agree.

For what it's worth, I found myself at a point where my otherwise great husband was indeed taking advantage of the fact that I was carrying more of the mental load. We both work full-time and have approximately equal jobs and salaries. Sometimes someone earns more, and sometimes someone's job is more demanding, but over the 15 years we've been married, it has probably been about even when averaged out. However, we had fallen into a place where I felt more of the load was on me, whether because I had consciously or unconsciously taken it on or he had consciously or unconsciously dumped it on me or a mix of the two. I talked to him about it, he acknowledged my feelings, and we found a way to work it out. We still have to have conversations about it sometimes but it's a lot easier to make small course corrections than it is to overhaul your entire marriage/family dynamic. [/quote]

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