Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

He doesn’t have a mental load. That’s the point of this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s unconscious, but this is about establishing power in the relationship. No modern man would say to his wife “I’m the leader of this household,” but they communicate in this more subtle, non-verbal way.
By framing the relationship in a way where she just does things, but he has to be asked to do normal things like clean the house, watch the kids, prepare food, or buy Christmas presents, he (likely unconsciously) asserts that he is the more powerful person in the relationship without actually having to say it.

That’s what you are resentful about, OP. It isn’t the “mental load.” It’s that he is treating you as “lesser than” he is.

OP here. He definitely treats me as though I’m less than him in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

[Anonymous]

You can either let go of your husband or you can let go of your resentment. There's not another option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

This part depends on specifics.

If a spouse is willing to have gifts ordered online and shipped already wrapped, that satisfies what you described as "care".

If you spouse cannot accomplish this, wrapped presents at Christmas is the least of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

He is responsible for feeding the children.

If the person you married cannot feed the children, then it's on the other spouse. And you have a very serious problem. Santa is not your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else? Not sure if this is a vent or what.

I’m expected or at least need to earn a living and contribute to maintain our lifestyle

But all the planning is on me. He hasn’t volunteered to do anything for Christmas. He’s never going to volunteer. I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all. I’m supposed to be fortunate he will contribute if asked. We both have jobs that are just as demanding.

I’m frustrated and there is not a solution. Regret getting married and signing up for this. I’ve talked to him and nothing will change. I vacillate between thinking he’s incompetent and he is taking advantage of me.

When can I be free of this? Never?

Really? He did nothing? Didn’t get the tree? Put up lights? Go to the store to buy a few presents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Really? He did nothing? Didn’t get the tree? Put up lights? Go to the store to buy a few presents?

He does what he is asked to do:

"I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all."

OP resents having to ask, to "handle it".

If he does what you ask, ask him to handle it. And allow him to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s unconscious, but this is about establishing power in the relationship. No modern man would say to his wife “I’m the leader of this household,” but they communicate in this more subtle, non-verbal way.
By framing the relationship in a way where she just does things, but he has to be asked to do normal things like clean the house, watch the kids, prepare food, or buy Christmas presents, he (likely unconsciously) asserts that he is the more powerful person in the relationship without actually having to say it.

That’s what you are resentful about, OP. It isn’t the “mental load.” It’s that he is treating you as “lesser than” he is.

OP here. He definitely treats me as though I’m less than him in many ways.

Pp here. Yes. That’s what I think the real issue is when women complain about mental load. It’s a power dynamic.

As anyone who has lived with men and raised boys can tell you, the idea that men don’t care about food or presents is bogus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where safety isn’t involved, let your children be disappointed by your husband instead of covering for him.

THIS!! And, lighten your load. Do not fall for American consumerism or give in to traditional expectations of women:

—Tons of Christmas gifts perfectly wrapped
—Christmas cards

And, figure out what your spouse is good at and have him own those things 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Really? He did nothing? Didn’t get the tree? Put up lights? Go to the store to buy a few presents?

He does what he is asked to do:

"I can assign him something and he will do it but he automatically assumes I will handle it all."

OP resents having to ask, to "handle it".

If he does what you ask, ask him to handle it. And allow him to handle it.

Sounds like you have asserted your dominance and he’s used to you delegating tasks in your leadership role. When did you become the de facto leader in the home? Why did you take that on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry him?

I wanted someone to take care of me financially, so I don’t have to worry. But did not think he would want me to also take care of non financial items

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s unconscious, but this is about establishing power in the relationship. No modern man would say to his wife “I’m the leader of this household,” but they communicate in this more subtle, non-verbal way.
By framing the relationship in a way where she just does things, but he has to be asked to do normal things like clean the house, watch the kids, prepare food, or buy Christmas presents, he (likely unconsciously) asserts that he is the more powerful person in the relationship without actually having to say it.

That’s what you are resentful about, OP. It isn’t the “mental load.” It’s that he is treating you as “lesser than” he is.

OP here. He definitely treats me as though I’m less than him in many ways.

Your only option is to push back. Channel your husband’s energy. It’s working for him, it can work for yoo, too. I lived all of this 15 years ago and FF and my kids are great young adults, I’m still married (happily!), and our marriage is soooo much more equitable. PUSH BACK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change you expectations or just get a divorce

OP here. Meaning accept I am solely responsible for the mental load?

DP

Yes your mental load is your responsibility.

So my husband has absolutely no responsibility to make sure his kids receive gifts from Santa, there is a Christmas tree and groceries to eat on the 25th?

You’re suggesting this should all be on me?

Your husbands mental load is his responsibility.

If your mental loads are at capacity, prioritize the groceries.

Why am I expected to be in charge of the groceries…why can’t he be?

NP. Why don’t your husband these questions instead of strangers online?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where safety isn’t involved, let your children be disappointed by your husband instead of covering for him.

THIS!! And, lighten your load. Do not fall for American consumerism or give in to traditional expectations of women:

—Tons of Christmas gifts perfectly wrapped
—Christmas cards

And, figure out what your spouse is good at and have him own those things 100%

+1

Ensure the children are healthy fed and feel loved. You are not expected to deliver a Norman Rockwell illustration.

It is possible to make children feel loved without a Christmas tree full of wrapped gifts. This a actually might be a more powerful message and serve a greater purpose.