Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

Then you work with him and be flexible around travel. He is traveling for work, not pleasure. You are going to royally screw up your kid if you take this advice.

[Anonymous]

OP it seems a part of your issue is that it would be your MIL caring for the child and you don't want her or the overseas family having more influence over them.
It could just as easily be a live in nanny born and raised in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

Then you work with him and be flexible around travel. He is traveling for work, not pleasure. You are going to royally screw up your kid if you take this advice.

DP here.
Nope, what would screw up a kid is some willy-nilly "fly by the seat of your pants" custody schedule hinged on the erratic travel schedule of the traveling parent, whether it be jerking the non-traveling parent around or flying a long-distant aging grandparent in at the last minute. Zero stability or structure for anyone involved, except for the selfish jerk around whom the schedule revolves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.

Go back to your incel forum.

We can see why you are getting divorced. I hope he gets full custody.

This is not OP being a B. This is the cold hard fact of divorce. You are no longer one family unit who works together to solve problems. It’s maybe 1 in 50 that I know who can pull this off and even then it’s usually because they’re very wealthy. But no- OP has the right to date or travel or work during her exs parenting time.

He should be humble enough to take a frank look at his travel and the historic parental division of caregiving and allow the schedule to reflect that.

OP can either be flexible or let him work out his time and stop trying to control him.

Actually I think it’s the other way around. The ex wants to be divorced and keep his fancy executive businessman travel job and have the appearance of 50/50 custody…but he also wants his ex-wife to support him and flex around him as if they’re still married.

He’s going to be very startled by the realities of divorce if they haven’t already started to hit him.

No, the ex plans to use the overseas mother for any coverage needed while on travel. OP is trying to insert herself in this plan and require first right of refusal in the custody agreement. Her lawyer and others on this site have wisely told her that’s not a great idea and it’s unenforceable.

Because any normal person would realize that this is a cuckoo bananas idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.

Go back to your incel forum.

We can see why you are getting divorced. I hope he gets full custody.

This is not OP being a B. This is the cold hard fact of divorce. You are no longer one family unit who works together to solve problems. It’s maybe 1 in 50 that I know who can pull this off and even then it’s usually because they’re very wealthy. But no- OP has the right to date or travel or work during her exs parenting time.

He should be humble enough to take a frank look at his travel and the historic parental division of caregiving and allow the schedule to reflect that.

OP can either be flexible or let him work out his time and stop trying to control him.

Actually I think it’s the other way around. The ex wants to be divorced and keep his fancy executive businessman travel job and have the appearance of 50/50 custody…but he also wants his ex-wife to support him and flex around him as if they’re still married.

He’s going to be very startled by the realities of divorce if they haven’t already started to hit him.

No, the ex plans to use the overseas mother for any coverage needed while on travel. OP is trying to insert herself in this plan and require first right of refusal in the custody agreement. Her lawyer and others on this site have wisely told her that’s not a great idea and it’s unenforceable.

Because any normal person would realize that this is a cuckoo bananas idea.

Even her lawyer told her to suck it up. You know being a controlling shrew doesn’t get you far in life PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

No way am I going to contort myself to fit his travel schedule after divorce as if we’re still married and then sacrifice the career I need to survive just to appease his need to look like a good dad while he is unwilling to sacrifice a single thing to see his kids. There are a million jobs that pay quite well for someone like him that don’t require travel every week or every other week. He just can’t put his ego and need for external validation above his responsibility to his kids.

Go back to your incel forum.

We can see why you are getting divorced. I hope he gets full custody.

This is not OP being a B. This is the cold hard fact of divorce. You are no longer one family unit who works together to solve problems. It’s maybe 1 in 50 that I know who can pull this off and even then it’s usually because they’re very wealthy. But no- OP has the right to date or travel or work during her exs parenting time.

He should be humble enough to take a frank look at his travel and the historic parental division of caregiving and allow the schedule to reflect that.

OP can either be flexible or let him work out his time and stop trying to control him.

Actually I think it’s the other way around. The ex wants to be divorced and keep his fancy executive businessman travel job and have the appearance of 50/50 custody…but he also wants his ex-wife to support him and flex around him as if they’re still married.

He’s going to be very startled by the realities of divorce if they haven’t already started to hit him.

No, the ex plans to use the overseas mother for any coverage needed while on travel. OP is trying to insert herself in this plan and require first right of refusal in the custody agreement. Her lawyer and others on this site have wisely told her that’s not a great idea and it’s unenforceable.

Because any normal person would realize that this is a cuckoo bananas idea.

Even her lawyer told her to suck it up. You know being a controlling shrew doesn’t get you far in life PP.

When did the attorney say to suck it up? Who are all these trolls on any vaguely relationship-y threads tonight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he doesn’t plan to remarry quickly? Then the new wife would simply continue instead of grandma.

This is exactly what I wondered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

If it’s any consolation to you….I felt similarly about my ex and the lack of attention paid to the kids on his custody time. I never said anything to the kids about it. But, I made sure that on my time I was paying attention to them and making them feel seen. As they got older they said some very astute things about his behavior, and I walked a tricky line of receiving their comments and making them feel validated without gaslighting them that dad was a great guy and without saying dad was horrible. As they got older, they started declining to spend time with him of their own accord - not always, but in situations and with people that didn’t suit them.

Today, as young adults, of course, they love him and want to have a relationship with him, but they also see who he is very clearly and the ways in which he has taken advantage of the people around him, which includes the fact that he really didn’t spend time with them when younger. (took no custody, travelled for work a lot and made no effort to talk to them while away, etc.)

My kids survived and are lovely people, even though it was obviously painful for them.

BTW, I also played the long game with him. Offered him 50/50 custody but basically was amenable to taking the kids without complaint whenever he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). I never wanted my kids to feel like their parents were each fighting to force the other to take them. I ended up with de facto full physical custody and his “visitation” turned into a quick hour for dinner at a restaurant during the week (often cancelled and only when not on work travel) and a few hours one weekend day.

At the end of the day all he wanted was to maintain his “good dad” image because he used it to convince others that he was a good guy, which was part of a bigger manipulation to use people for his own ends. As long as I didn’t criticize him for not seeing the kids, he was content to not see them.

For those who might flame me - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He is solely responsible for his relationship with his kids. He is a grown man & it is not my place to coach him into being a better father - that is just wasted energy that I should devote to my own relationship with my kids.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

If it’s any consolation to you….I felt similarly about my ex and the lack of attention paid to the kids on his custody time. I never said anything to the kids about it. But, I made sure that on my time I was paying attention to them and making them feel seen. As they got older they said some very astute things about his behavior, and I walked a tricky line of receiving their comments and making them feel validated without gaslighting them that dad was a great guy and without saying dad was horrible. As they got older, they started declining to spend time with him of their own accord - not always, but in situations and with people that didn’t suit them.

Today, as young adults, of course, they love him and want to have a relationship with him, but they also see who he is very clearly and the ways in which he has taken advantage of the people around him, which includes the fact that he really didn’t spend time with them when younger. (took no custody, travelled for work a lot and made no effort to talk to them while away, etc.)

My kids survived and are lovely people, even though it was obviously painful for them.

BTW, I also played the long game with him. Offered him 50/50 custody but basically was amenable to taking the kids without complaint whenever he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). I never wanted my kids to feel like their parents were each fighting to force the other to take them. I ended up with de facto full physical custody and his “visitation” turned into a quick hour for dinner at a restaurant during the week (often cancelled and only when not on work travel) and a few hours one weekend day.

At the end of the day all he wanted was to maintain his “good dad” image because he used it to convince others that he was a good guy, which was part of a bigger manipulation to use people for his own ends. As long as I didn’t criticize him for not seeing the kids, he was content to not see them.

For those who might flame me - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He is solely responsible for his relationship with his kids. He is a grown man & it is not my place to coach him into being a better father - that is just wasted energy that I should devote to my own relationship with my kids.

OP randomly returning to this thread after a particularly crappy week in which DH bailed on a day he was supposed to see DC and ignored other communication about DC’s events yet managed to reply to tiny emails about stupid stuff like tree trimming bills and missed trash pickup: thank you for sharing this. It’s what I needed to read today.

Breathing and reminding myself to focus on DC and play the long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a lot of this is about him looking good and being rich presumably at your expense. If you end up more time he has to pay more because you are incurring the expenses, no? Ask your lawyer.

Yes but first I have to document over time and then go back for modification which can only be done after a 2 year period unless he egregiously skipped out on visitation.

Do you care more about money or your kids? You will likely get them more than he does, which is great, but no court is going to award you more than 50/50 custody anyway so I’d lay low and let him feel like he is winning while I enjoyed extra time with my kids. Meanwhile, you win because you get precious time.

+1

I’d just let him feel like he “won” this issue- and don’t even complain about it if you haven’t already (which will just encourage him to dig in his heels). In fact, I might even tell him (and exILs if you are speaking terms) that it is a great idea- because the more he & they think it isn’t what you want, the more stuck he & they will be on the idea. Just to feel they are getting one over you. There is pretty much no way the elderly grandma is going to be flying here for childcare with any real level of frequency (more than 2x/yr or something)- or that the exH will find it preferable- unless it is out of pure spite. So don’t provoke him or his family on the issue.

He will likely find it MUCH easier to just send the kid to you vs. dealing with his mom and making arrangements & instructions for while he is gone (because there will be some- scheduling of extracurriculars, appts, any house prep etc). If you were like most couples, he is probably not accustomed to doing those things when arranging for childcare/being out of town- and probably will find it a PITA. Versus just seamlessly dropping kid off with you.

Also having his mother visiting with frequency may actually get on his nerves- depending on the existing relationship. His mom getting up in his business or criticizing his parenting or home etc (as moms sometimes tend to do) will get old.

So I’d just let him feel he won this one, and whatever you do- don’t let him feel this is a power struggle. His plan is poorly thought out and is not going to work out anyway.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

Then you work with him and be flexible around travel. He is traveling for work, not pleasure. You are going to royally screw up your kid if you take this advice.

DP here.
Nope, what would screw up a kid is some willy-nilly "fly by the seat of your pants" custody schedule hinged on the erratic travel schedule of the traveling parent, whether it be jerking the non-traveling parent around or flying a long-distant aging grandparent in at the last minute. Zero stability or structure for anyone involved, except for the selfish jerk around whom the schedule revolves.

He's not being a selfish jerk, you are. His job relies on travel. Lots of jobs rely on travel. Refusing shared custody will hurt your kids far more. In marriage or having kids, you need to learn to be flexible. There's a reason you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. .

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available.

Then you work with him and be flexible around travel. He is traveling for work, not pleasure. You are going to royally screw up your kid if you take this advice.

DP here.
Nope, what would screw up a kid is some willy-nilly "fly by the seat of your pants" custody schedule hinged on the erratic travel schedule of the traveling parent, whether it be jerking the non-traveling parent around or flying a long-distant aging grandparent in at the last minute. Zero stability or structure for anyone involved, except for the selfish jerk around whom the schedule revolves.

He's not being a selfish jerk, you are. His job relies on travel. Lots of jobs rely on travel. Refusing shared custody will hurt your kids far more. In marriage or having kids, you need to learn to be flexible. There's a reason you are divorced.

This guy doesn’t sound like a faucet salesman pounding the pavement from Indianapolis to El Paso nor a surgeon working for Doctors Without Borders. I think you don’t know a lot of high-earning people who basically travel for sport when it’s totally unnecessary for their jobs. I know way too many at my company and they are all divorced and having worked with them, it’s no surprise. Young people avoid their teams at all costs because they know that these guys have zero qualms about flying to Singapore to meet someone from the London office when everything could be done via a zoom on NYC time.

I should know. My exDH was also one of them. He was and is much happier picking up miles and points and catching up on new release movies on the plane than he was driving to soccer practice and scheduling gutter cleaning. He once famously said “I’d rather fly to this meeting and stay in a nice hotel than get up in the middle of the night at home to have to run it on zoom.”

Anyone who will trade 2 20+ hour travel days to avoid the discomfort of a 3 am zoom meeting from home is not a candidate for negotiating a flexible custody arrangement, fyi.