Reply to Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP isn't looking at the long term. If you fight this it won't work and what will happen is he will fly his mother over with a nanny as well or another relative and you will never get your kid more than 50% of the time.

If you don't fight it you end up with extra time with your kid when you say you are willing to take your child when he travels.

Then after 3 years when your child is a teen they can tell a judge they want to be with you and you can then fight for more custody and child support. . [/quote]

OP here and everything in this thread pisses me off. But there are some bits of advice that are very, very good, and this point about the nanny is one of them. Thank you for thinking of this.

[b]Going to go stew about how messed up it is that our kid’s time and childhood can be given away to people who aren’t even their parents in the name of some pretend version of 50/50 when an actual parent is available. [/quote][/b]

If it’s any consolation to you….I felt similarly about my ex and the lack of attention paid to the kids on his custody time. I never said anything to the kids about it. But, I made sure that on my time I was paying attention to them and making them feel seen. As they got older they said some very astute things about his behavior, and I walked a tricky line of receiving their comments and making them feel validated without gaslighting them that dad was a great guy and without saying dad was horrible. As they got older, they started declining to spend time with him of their own accord - not always, but in situations and with people that didn’t suit them.

Today, as young adults, of course, they love him and want to have a relationship with him, but they also see who he is very clearly and the ways in which he has taken advantage of the people around him, which includes the fact that he really didn’t spend time with them when younger. (took no custody, travelled for work a lot and made no effort to talk to them while away, etc.)

My kids survived and are lovely people, even though it was obviously painful for them.

BTW, I also played the long game with him. Offered him 50/50 custody but basically was amenable to taking the kids without complaint whenever he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). I never wanted my kids to feel like their parents were each fighting to force the other to take them.  I ended up with de facto full physical custody and his “visitation” turned into a quick hour for dinner at a restaurant during the week (often cancelled and only when not on work travel) and a few hours one weekend day.

At the end of the day all he wanted was to maintain his “good dad” image because he used it to convince others that he was a good guy, which was part of a bigger manipulation to use people for his own ends. As long as I didn’t criticize him for not seeing the kids, he was content to not see them.

For those who might flame me - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. He is solely responsible for his relationship with his kids. He is a grown man & it is not my place to coach him into being a better father - that is just wasted energy that I should devote to my own relationship with my kids. [/quote]

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