Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

Can she change weeks, though? I know moms restarting their careers after divorce and taking time out to support their exdH’s careers. They definitely don’t magically get hired to the types of jobs or level of seniority that would allow them to randomly flex their schedules, never mind to hire intermittent childcare.

Most of them are grinding at barely above minimum wage salaries with strict hours and in-person requirements and picking up extra work during their exDH’s time with the kids. That would be hard to pull off if they randomly have to be doing unexpected pickups and dropoffs and extracurricular transport at the last minute or find driving babysitters. Unless the high earner is throwing permanent alimony at the other spouse, flexibility really can’t be expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

Are you even reading the thread you’re responding to? The ex has a childcare plan for travel that OP is objecting to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

Can she change weeks, though? I know moms restarting their careers after divorce and taking time out to support their exdH’s careers. They definitely don’t magically get hired to the types of jobs or level of seniority that would allow them to randomly flex their schedules, never mind to hire intermittent childcare.

Most of them are grinding at barely above minimum wage salaries with strict hours and in-person requirements and picking up extra work during their exDH’s time with the kids. That would be hard to pull off if they randomly have to be doing unexpected pickups and dropoffs and extracurricular transport at the last minute or find driving babysitters. Unless the high earner is throwing permanent alimony at the other spouse, flexibility really can’t be expected.

If OP’s work schedule is so difficult and she’s picking up extra hours, then she wouldn’t be asking about first right of refusal. She doesn’t want the ex to have 50/50 custody due to his work schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

Can she change weeks, though? I know moms restarting their careers after divorce and taking time out to support their exdH’s careers. They definitely don’t magically get hired to the types of jobs or level of seniority that would allow them to randomly flex their schedules, never mind to hire intermittent childcare.

Most of them are grinding at barely above minimum wage salaries with strict hours and in-person requirements and picking up extra work during their exDH’s time with the kids. That would be hard to pull off if they randomly have to be doing unexpected pickups and dropoffs and extracurricular transport at the last minute or find driving babysitters. Unless the high earner is throwing permanent alimony at the other spouse, flexibility really can’t be expected.

Yes she can. She wants to take his time and cut him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

Sounds like it’s your pride and appearance and you are taking the kids from dad. The simple solution is to be flexible and switch days and weeks as needed. Kids deserve both parents.

Are you on the right thread? Dad won’t have the kids. Dad will be travelling. Kids DO need both parents, unfortunately in this case they get neither.

You are going to be shocked at how many children spend time with daycare providers, babysitters, nannies, preschools, before and after care programs, grand parent, aunts and uncles etc. There is no expectation by the vast majority of the population that a child must be with a parent all the time. Most spend considerable time of waking hours in a week with neither. Most people work and need chidcare while they work. And yes, when you are divorced, people still use childcare, they don't shuttle the child back and forth between parents every time someone is working. That would be far worse for the child to basically be a ping pong ball. There is nothing wrong spending a week with dad and grandma and then a week with mom and daycare for example -that is how most divorced families who need childcare do it.

Exactly, dad can arrange his own child care if mom doesn't want to switch the schedule around. She can easily change weeks but if she doesn't want to he needs to find child care.

Can she change weeks, though? I know moms restarting their careers after divorce and taking time out to support their exdH’s careers. They definitely don’t magically get hired to the types of jobs or level of seniority that would allow them to randomly flex their schedules, never mind to hire intermittent childcare.

Most of them are grinding at barely above minimum wage salaries with strict hours and in-person requirements and picking up extra work during their exDH’s time with the kids. That would be hard to pull off if they randomly have to be doing unexpected pickups and dropoffs and extracurricular transport at the last minute or find driving babysitters. Unless the high earner is throwing permanent alimony at the other spouse, flexibility really can’t be expected.

If OP’s work schedule is so difficult and she’s picking up extra hours, then she wouldn’t be asking about first right of refusal. She doesn’t want the ex to have 50/50 custody due to his work schedule.

Good point. How will she make 100% custody work? If he quits and takes a lower salary, her child support could go way down. Is she ok with that?

[Anonymous]

He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

She's not going to give 50-50 out of spite, pride and money. Why should he not get his kids equally? OP can switch weeks. He should not lose time due to work. She benefits from his income as do the kids. If he takes a 30% pay cut, is she ok with that reduction as it impacts her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

She's not going to give 50-50 out of spite, pride and money. Why should he not get his kids equally? OP can switch weeks. He should not lose time due to work. She benefits from his income as do the kids. If he takes a 30% pay cut, is she ok with that reduction as it impacts her?

OP catching back up on this thread.

If I could never see him again and could get zero child support but guaranteed that my DC wouldn’t have to see him unless DC wanted to, I would’ve very happy with that arrangement.

Also a 30% pay cut would not impact me nor child support. Child support is set at a certain amount and not tired to income unless he sought modification and even if he did, 70% of a bajillion dollars is still a lot of money. The only person who thinks this is about money is exDH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s not going to give up 50:50, too much $$ and pride at stake. Just offer to take the child more often when he travels. It may seem unfair but it’s reality. Alternatively find him a local babysitter that you like.

She's not going to give 50-50 out of spite, pride and money. Why should he not get his kids equally? OP can switch weeks. He should not lose time due to work. She benefits from his income as do the kids. If he takes a 30% pay cut, is she ok with that reduction as it impacts her?

OP catching back up on this thread.

If I could never see him again and could get zero child support but guaranteed that my DC wouldn’t have to see him unless DC wanted to, I would’ve very happy with that arrangement.

Also a 30% pay cut would not impact me nor child support. Child support is set at a certain amount and not tired to income unless he sought modification and even if he did, 70% of a bajillion dollars is still a lot of money. The only person who thinks this is about money is exDH.

You sound horrible and the real issue isn’t travel but to spite him and never let him see the kids again. Decline child support. Yes if his income goes down, he can request a modification. This sounds made up.

Offer to waive child support for full custody. Get remarried and have them adopt. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your ex seem very similar in terms of being spiteful people who care more about winning than your child. It doens't seem either parent is really focused on the child - both are too caught up in getting back at the other.

Keep fighting and being spiteful and nasty and he will be the same in return and you can both continually focus on all the wrong things and forget there is a child in the middle of this who you are both prepared to drag around and ruin any stability he has to prove your own points and to be right. You don't come across as a better person or parent than your ex in any way.

Come to my house a year ago, listen to him scream at my child, go through discovery and look at his financial deception, and then maybe be there the day he had me served out of nowhere in person in front of our child.

Those details were really not helpful when I was just trying to get advice about how family caregiving and custody work, but they are now when people are going late night angry troll on me.

Divorce and move on. Keeping your child from him will hurt your child as much as him. Yes, he's terrible but you cutting him out of your child's life is for revenge not your child's needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm 12+ years down this road and I will say that right of first refusal is the dumbest next to no living with non-married partners of the clauses that I put in our documents. The reason I say it's dumb is there is zero ability to enforce it. It just causes more arguments and, frankly, stress. Especially when the other person has no intention of following court documents they signed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 12+ years down this road and I will say that right of first refusal is the dumbest next to no living with non-married partners of the clauses that I put in our documents. The reason I say it's dumb is there is zero ability to enforce it. It just causes more arguments and, frankly, stress. Especially when the other person has no intention of following court documents they signed.

+100. I mentioned the same early in the thread. Waste of money. My exH walked out on the kids and u screaming that I “wasn’t aofth quitting drinking for. He’s an alcoholic. He broke every promise and now he ever made to me. Why on earth would I bother making an untrustworthy man sign something- he can’t keep his word to me when I was his wife he sure as heck won’t when I’m his ex.

[Anonymous]

Gosh forgive all the typos above- I’m up much too late and on my phone- sorry. You get the idea.