Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

This is pretty specific, but I’m in the middle of divorce negotiations and DH, who travels randomly and at the last minute for work, insists that he can do 50/50 and that his mother will fill in when he has to travel. Here’s the rub: she lives in the UK. He says it is no big deal to fly her out as needed, and my attorney says unless I put in a right of first refusal specific to her, grandparent care would be considered perfectly acceptable for DH’s custodial times. Not only is his mother overseas, but she is elderly and unpredictable, and also brings to the table some particular cultural prejudices and practices from her country of origin (not UK) that I do not want my child to be raised with.

We’re going into formal mediation as required by our state so there will be a process of “give to get”, and if we can’t come to an agreement we will have to go to court and take who knows what kind of plan the judge decides on. So I feel like I need to think through my tradeoffs.

The downside of putting in a right to first refusal for STBexMIL is that DH would reciprocate for my mom. Which is fine, except that at some point my mom will have to move in with me due to health issues and DC will be, say, 12 or 14 and enough to stay “home alone” with my mom around. But if DC was home alone, that would trigger the right of first refusal clause, so even if they wanted to stay home alone and my mom was there, they would have to go to DH’s.

Does anyone have experience with a right of first refusal clause and how your family actually managed it in practice?

[Anonymous]

Listen to your lawyer. Your concerns about cultural prejudices and whatnot are invalid and immaterial to legal proceedings.

And if you’re going to get into a tit for tat on this, you’re inviting trouble.

Grandma can care for the kid until she cannot. You cross the “she cannot” bridge if and when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Did you talk to the lawyer about what happens if grandma can't make it? Like, can you get right of second refusal... grandma gets kid if dad isn't available, you get kid if grandma isn't available?

Agree you can't bring up cultural issues, you chose to marry someone from that culture.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk to the lawyer about what happens if grandma can't make it? Like, can you get right of second refusal... grandma gets kid if dad isn't available, you get kid if grandma isn't available?

Agree you can't bring up cultural issues, you chose to marry someone from that culture.

If don’t like MIL, you need to prepare yourself for when he is introducing your child to dates that are worse to you than the MIL. Are you trying to include that? Some people do especially if really young kids.

[Anonymous]

From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen to your lawyer. Your concerns about cultural prejudices and whatnot are invalid and immaterial to legal proceedings.

And if you’re going to get into a tit for tat on this, you’re inviting trouble.

Grandma can care for the kid until she cannot. You cross the “she cannot” bridge if and when it happens.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

DH has added it into the parenting plan he presented prior to our formal mediation session, so I think both he and his attorney see this as perfectly practical. He is very well-compensated and drowning in frequent flier miles so she could easily fly business class in perpetuity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

Unfortunately the started from a not amicable place. There may or may not be an affair, I’ll never know, but DH walked out on us and it escalated from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

That's literally what I said. Don't get into a tit for tat about mothers in law because your MIL lives on another continent and his MIL is likely to be living in the same house as the kid.

And knowing that your MIL is already the primary caregiver for a grandchild in the UK makes it even less likely that she would actually be flown over for last minute babysitting. Realize how unlikely this is to materialize as a real issue, let alone a recurring one, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

That's literally what I said. Don't get into a tit for tat about mothers in law because your MIL lives on another continent and his MIL is likely to be living in the same house as the kid.

And knowing that your MIL is already the primary caregiver for a grandchild in the UK makes it even less likely that she would actually be flown over for last minute babysitting. Realize how unlikely this is to materialize as a real issue, let alone a recurring one, and move on.

Sorry! I misread. -OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

That's literally what I said. Don't get into a tit for tat about mothers in law because your MIL lives on another continent and his MIL is likely to be living in the same house as the kid.

And knowing that your MIL is already the primary caregiver for a grandchild in the UK makes it even less likely that she would actually be flown over for last minute babysitting. Realize how unlikely this is to materialize as a real issue, let alone a recurring one, and move on.

I think it will be an issue. His side of the family has gotten very involved in the divorce proceedings and supporting him in getting 50/50 custody (“or more!”, as one relative said). I think there is a lot of pride and egos and other stuff involved. Like they have to prove that their son is a good guy so they’re waving their hands around to distract from the whole walking out on us thing.

I do thing they would move mountains to bring family back and forth to make sure 50/50 worked just so they could tell extended family and neighbors what a good dad STBX is.