Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

Personally I wouldn’t bother- how often can grandma really fly over from the UK to help? Especially given she is elderly. Aside from that- for most elderly, health problems become an issue at some point, and can happen anytime (further impeding ability to travel internationally or help with childcare)

Beyond that, she is still your kid’s grandmother so there just realistically isn’t much you can do about her influence once you are divorced. Why even try?

Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I wouldn’t bother- how often can grandma really fly over from the UK to help? Especially given she is elderly. Aside from that- for most elderly, health problems become an issue at some point, and can happen anytime (further impeding ability to travel internationally or help with childcare)

Beyond that, she is still your kid’s grandmother so there just realistically isn’t much you can do about her influence once you are divorced. Why even try?

Not worth it.

I’m trying because I don’t think that my custodial time should be given up to my MIL. She didn’t give birth to my child, hasn’t raised them for 9 years and is not their parent. If STBX can’t make the time in his schedule to be with DC, then they should be with another parent before they are with family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

That's literally what I said. Don't get into a tit for tat about mothers in law because your MIL lives on another continent and his MIL is likely to be living in the same house as the kid.

And knowing that your MIL is already the primary caregiver for a grandchild in the UK makes it even less likely that she would actually be flown over for last minute babysitting. Realize how unlikely this is to materialize as a real issue, let alone a recurring one, and move on.

I think it will be an issue. His side of the family has gotten very involved in the divorce proceedings and supporting him in getting 50/50 custody (“or more!”, as one relative said). I think there is a lot of pride and egos and other stuff involved. Like they have to prove that their son is a good guy so they’re waving their hands around to distract from the whole walking out on us thing.

I do thing they would move mountains to bring family back and forth to make sure 50/50 worked just so they could tell extended family and neighbors what a good dad STBX is.

Are they all in the UK? Or just MIL? IME families say all sorts of things about helping but when it comes to dropping everything for a last minute international flight……seems unlikely this will be happening with any real frequency. Especially for someone who is elderly.

I get that you are upset about it, and why…but it just seems really unlikely that this will amount to any significant amount of time once the shine wears off and there is actual work/travel/sacrifice to be done.

[Anonymous]

We didn’t have a contentious divorce, but our right of refusal language has time constraints around it so it’s only triggered if it’s over a certain amount of hours. Would something like that work? So, for us, it was something like 4 hours-a reasonable timeframe to have a babysitter, or go to a friends house, or stay home alone when older. But when it’s going to be an extended thing, then the other parent could weigh in on whether they’d rather the kid went either me or to a day camp it to grandma’s.

Also, this could be a lot about appearances and child support. In practice, you may end up with the kids a lot mom recent he realizes how impractical his plan is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t have a contentious divorce, but our right of refusal language has time constraints around it so it’s only triggered if it’s over a certain amount of hours. Would something like that work? So, for us, it was something like 4 hours-a reasonable timeframe to have a babysitter, or go to a friends house, or stay home alone when older. But when it’s going to be an extended thing, then the other parent could weigh in on whether they’d rather the kid went either me or to a day camp it to grandma’s.

Also, this could be a lot about appearances and child support. In practice, you may end up with the kids a lot mom recent he realizes how impractical his plan is.

+1

It very often is.

[Anonymous]

Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

[Anonymous]

You ask for right of first refusal. It won't work with grandma in the UK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is 50/50 so he does not have to pay child support?

He’ll have a small fortune. He filed several weeks before a significant, life-changing petition. I don’t think it’s about child support so much as appearances and pride.

[Anonymous]

MIL is not eating into your custody time it's his time. You want to get some of his time added if he travels, right? Even if he hired a live in caregiver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

This will sort itself out. UK Granny will do this 1-2x and you’ll end up with the kids.

Play the long game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

This will sort itself out. UK Granny will do this 1-2x and you’ll end up with the kids.

Play the long game.

This, he will still get his "appearances and pride" with this.

Oh, look how wonderful he is, he's such a devoted dad, has 50/50 custody even with his packed schedule, and he makes soooo much money, look how he flew grandma from the UK, isn't that nice, what a great guy! (Meanwhile he did it twice out of eight work trips, is getting discounted child support, and the time he does spend with the kid he's probably on his work phone)

[Anonymous]

So a lot of this is about him looking good and being rich presumably at your expense. If you end up more time he has to pay more because you are incurring the expenses, no? Ask your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. You have to let it go. It won’t last long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a practical standpoint, if she lives in the UK, how often do you think it is even possible that she will be taking care of your kids.

I wouldn't add anything in for those rare occasions.

+1 I wouldn't get into a tit for tat about mother in laws when yours is on another continent and his is likely to be living in the same house as the child soon. Concentrate on keeping things amicable so that it will naturally make more sense in his mind to call you when he's called out of town, before booking a plane ticket.

I’m OP and you have it mixed up. STBexMIL lives permanently in the Uk. DH would fly her the 6 hours or whatever whenever he had a work trip so she could babysit. And then fly her back to the UK. She is the primary caregiver for another grandchild there.

My mom is local. She does not live with us, and probably won’t for 3-4 years. I don’t anticipate her providing childcare ever but am concerned about my child being a teen one day and wanting to stay home alone and not being able to if she does move in with us.

This will sort itself out. UK Granny will do this 1-2x and you’ll end up with the kids.

Play the long game.

This, he will still get his "appearances and pride" with this.

Oh, look how wonderful he is, he's such a devoted dad, has 50/50 custody even with his packed schedule, and he makes soooo much money, look how he flew grandma from the UK, isn't that nice, what a great guy! (Meanwhile he did it twice out of eight work trips, is getting discounted child support, and the time he does spend with the kid he's probably on his work phone)

OP and yeah, I think you summed it up pretty nicely here. I pray that it will be twice out of eight work trips. The reality is more like 20-30 trips per year and even if she only covered 25% of them that would still be a ton of time. And I won’t be able to renegotiate child support without returning to court, which will be expensive and require a track record of him regularly bailing on visitation for an extended period of time. My state is every 2 years for child support modification barring a “significant” change in circumstances, and that would be totally missed visitation, not bailing out half the time for travel.

He’s kind of got a brilliant plan here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a lot of this is about him looking good and being rich presumably at your expense. If you end up more time he has to pay more because you are incurring the expenses, no? Ask your lawyer.

Yes but first I have to document over time and then go back for modification which can only be done after a 2 year period unless he egregiously skipped out on visitation.