Anyone’s exDH try to use family caregiving for custody?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Traveling for work isn't 'gallivanting'. It's called providing for your family. My late father traveled for work at some points and trust me, he was our dad 100% of the time.

This doesn't sound like a dad who is doing 100% here, with all due respect to your dad and other parents who do only the travel necessary to maintain an income and a career.

True, but OP isn’t doing 100% either. Providing financially for your kid is a huge part of parenting. OP is clear that she has, in the past, relied on his income. Which is fine, but it means that she has also never done 100% of the parenting, and while she is asking for grace as she transitions to a career that can provide more $, she is very angry about him needing similar grace as he sorts out how to provide more time.

The solution here seems to be a ROFR that kicks in on the 2nd consecutive overnight.

DP. I think you are confused about the issue. Nobody disputes he is providing financially and the court will require he continues to do so. The question is physical custody. If he chose work over parenting time in the past, that is the structure a court will likely continue.

Nope, I'm not confused.

OP chose parenting time over the financial piece of parenting. Her STBX chose the opposite. Both of them did so because they trusted the other person to provide the part of parenting that they couldn't. Both of them made choices that were solid choices in the context of a marriage, and have now stopped working.

Now, that's changed. OP has changed her work schedule and prioritized her career, but also points out, rightly, that that's something that takes time and so she needs grace. She can't be expected to suddenly provide at the same level that he did and so needs child support. Ex is likely making similar shifts, and similarly needs some grace while he figures it out.

If she's worried about this particular childcare plan, a ROFR that kicks in at 24 hours prevents it, while not impacting her ability to leave her kid home for a few hours with Grandma, or send her on a sleepover with a friend.

Way to completely make sh*t up. OP said that her ex does not plan to change his work schedule. Nor has he actually even come up with a reasonable childcare plan.

OP has not yet implemented a plan to get her income to his level either.

Adjusting to divorce and coparenting takes time. She needs time, and grace during that time, to be able to figure out how to support herself and her child. He needs time, and grace during that time to figure out how to adjust his career and set up the best childcare. She likely doesn't know if he's job hunting. She likely doesn't know how he's communicating in his organization about arranging his travel to be primarily on days when he doesn't have the kid. She doesn't know if he's interviewing high quality nannies. What she knows is that he hasn't communicated those things to her. If she doesn't trust him to come up with a childcare plan that she approves of, then she can include provisions in the divorce that allow her ROFR. But she doesn't want ROFR because she wants to punish him.

Yeah you keep on not getting it. The custody of the kids is not contingent on OP increasing her salary.

Nor is it contingent on him having already figured out his childcare plan 100%. Both need time and grace to figure out their parts.

You are so confused. A judge doesn’t care about “time and grace.” The judge looks to past conduct and current job responsibilities. OP’s ex let her do most of the childcare in the past, and he apparently has no plans to reduce his considerable work schedule.To top it all off he has no reasonable child care plan.

A good judge will understand that family child care and set ups change during divorce. They both agreed to this and now she'd using it against him. She doesn't want her child to have a relationship with their father.

The best interests of a child mean a relationship with both parents equally.

How’s the kid supposed to build this equal relationship with dad if he’s frequently away during his custodial time and shunting responsibility for child-minding onto his mother or a paid caregiver?

Exactly. Dad doesn’t get to retroactively declare himself an equal parent when he has never been one. It would be like OP demanding half of his salary. He hasn’t earned half time
With his kid, and she hasn’t earned half his salary.

Op wants child support which after taxes could be close to half. The more time she gets the mire money. Both are equal parents. They had different roles. Most married parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Traveling for work isn't 'gallivanting'. It's called providing for your family. My late father traveled for work at some points and trust me, he was our dad 100% of the time.

This doesn't sound like a dad who is doing 100% here, with all due respect to your dad and other parents who do only the travel necessary to maintain an income and a career.

True, but OP isn’t doing 100% either. Providing financially for your kid is a huge part of parenting. OP is clear that she has, in the past, relied on his income. Which is fine, but it means that she has also never done 100% of the parenting, and while she is asking for grace as she transitions to a career that can provide more $, she is very angry about him needing similar grace as he sorts out how to provide more time.

The solution here seems to be a ROFR that kicks in on the 2nd consecutive overnight.

DP. I think you are confused about the issue. Nobody disputes he is providing financially and the court will require he continues to do so. The question is physical custody. If he chose work over parenting time in the past, that is the structure a court will likely continue.

Nope, I'm not confused.

OP chose parenting time over the financial piece of parenting. Her STBX chose the opposite. Both of them did so because they trusted the other person to provide the part of parenting that they couldn't. Both of them made choices that were solid choices in the context of a marriage, and have now stopped working.

Now, that's changed. OP has changed her work schedule and prioritized her career, but also points out, rightly, that that's something that takes time and so she needs grace. She can't be expected to suddenly provide at the same level that he did and so needs child support. Ex is likely making similar shifts, and similarly needs some grace while he figures it out.

If she's worried about this particular childcare plan, a ROFR that kicks in at 24 hours prevents it, while not impacting her ability to leave her kid home for a few hours with Grandma, or send her on a sleepover with a friend.

Way to completely make sh*t up. OP said that her ex does not plan to change his work schedule. Nor has he actually even come up with a reasonable childcare plan.

OP has not yet implemented a plan to get her income to his level either.

Adjusting to divorce and coparenting takes time. She needs time, and grace during that time, to be able to figure out how to support herself and her child. He needs time, and grace during that time to figure out how to adjust his career and set up the best childcare. She likely doesn't know if he's job hunting. She likely doesn't know how he's communicating in his organization about arranging his travel to be primarily on days when he doesn't have the kid. She doesn't know if he's interviewing high quality nannies. What she knows is that he hasn't communicated those things to her. If she doesn't trust him to come up with a childcare plan that she approves of, then she can include provisions in the divorce that allow her ROFR. But she doesn't want ROFR because she wants to punish him.

Yeah you keep on not getting it. The custody of the kids is not contingent on OP increasing her salary.

Nor is it contingent on him having already figured out his childcare plan 100%. Both need time and grace to figure out their parts.

You are so confused. A judge doesn’t care about “time and grace.” The judge looks to past conduct and current job responsibilities. OP’s ex let her do most of the childcare in the past, and he apparently has no plans to reduce his considerable work schedule.To top it all off he has no reasonable child care plan.

A good judge will understand that family child care and set ups change during divorce. They both agreed to this and now she'd using it against him. She doesn't want her child to have a relationship with their father.

The best interests of a child mean a relationship with both parents equally.

That’s not the legal definition of best interests of a child, at least not in my state. My state does not presume that 50/50 is in the best interest of the child, and has multiple other factors it considers, and when it comes to determining the relationships with each parent, it says “the relationship between the child and each parent should be fostered unless inconsistent with the child's best interests”, and the law discusses allocation of time based on the child’s best interests. Nothing about equal.

People falsely spread the myth of 50/50 to intimidate mothers and build up a false narrative.

Moms usually get primary custody except a rare occasion. At best dads get a few days a month which then moms use school, friends, activities to block it and then complain dads are not involved or want to pay past 18. Relationships are important. They may stop being your husband for a good or bad reason but they will always be your child’s dad good or bad.

False. Many states presume 50/50. More are considering it. It's not 1995. It's not a 'myth' like the pp claimed and it's not to intimidate mothers-it's in the best interest of the child to have regular time with both parents.

Once again. The presumption can be rebutted and “joint” does not necessarily mean 50-50

Sigh... since your Google must be broken, I quickly googled one example and found that Florida presumes 50/50 time sharing, not just joint. Your turn to Google more- there are more!

lol. and tell us what else the statute says the judge must consider when making the time sharing decision?

It's your turn to Google, remember?

I read the Florida statute in its entirety and understand it (unlike you). It actually would give OP a stronger case for more than 50% since it expressly takes into account the need to provide care by a third party.

You know how to Google! Yea! Anyhow, if you understood what you read, you would have read that the part about third party care is not listed in the 'rebuttable' part of equal timesharing, in the regs. So no help to OP.

Yeah you completely misread it.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one’s refusing contact. The dad is the one who stepped out and is having family members fill in for him rather than be in his kids’ life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traveling for work isn't 'gallivanting'. It's called providing for your family. My late father traveled for work at some points and trust me, he was our dad 100% of the time.

This doesn't sound like a dad who is doing 100% here, with all due respect to your dad and other parents who do only the travel necessary to maintain an income and a career.

True, but OP isn’t doing 100% either. Providing financially for your kid is a huge part of parenting. OP is clear that she has, in the past, relied on his income. Which is fine, but it means that she has also never done 100% of the parenting, and while she is asking for grace as she transitions to a career that can provide more $, she is very angry about him needing similar grace as he sorts out how to provide more time.

The solution here seems to be a ROFR that kicks in on the 2nd consecutive overnight.

DP. I think you are confused about the issue. Nobody disputes he is providing financially and the court will require he continues to do so. The question is physical custody. If he chose work over parenting time in the past, that is the structure a court will likely continue.

Nope, I'm not confused.

OP chose parenting time over the financial piece of parenting. Her STBX chose the opposite. Both of them did so because they trusted the other person to provide the part of parenting that they couldn't. Both of them made choices that were solid choices in the context of a marriage, and have now stopped working.

Now, that's changed. OP has changed her work schedule and prioritized her career, but also points out, rightly, that that's something that takes time and so she needs grace. She can't be expected to suddenly provide at the same level that he did and so needs child support. Ex is likely making similar shifts, and similarly needs some grace while he figures it out.

If she's worried about this particular childcare plan, a ROFR that kicks in at 24 hours prevents it, while not impacting her ability to leave her kid home for a few hours with Grandma, or send her on a sleepover with a friend.

Way to completely make sh*t up. OP said that her ex does not plan to change his work schedule. Nor has he actually even come up with a reasonable childcare plan.

OP has not yet implemented a plan to get her income to his level either.

Adjusting to divorce and coparenting takes time. She needs time, and grace during that time, to be able to figure out how to support herself and her child. He needs time, and grace during that time to figure out how to adjust his career and set up the best childcare. She likely doesn't know if he's job hunting. She likely doesn't know how he's communicating in his organization about arranging his travel to be primarily on days when he doesn't have the kid. She doesn't know if he's interviewing high quality nannies. What she knows is that he hasn't communicated those things to her. If she doesn't trust him to come up with a childcare plan that she approves of, then she can include provisions in the divorce that allow her ROFR. But she doesn't want ROFR because she wants to punish him.

Yeah you keep on not getting it. The custody of the kids is not contingent on OP increasing her salary.

Nor is it contingent on him having already figured out his childcare plan 100%. Both need time and grace to figure out their parts.

You are so confused. A judge doesn’t care about “time and grace.” The judge looks to past conduct and current job responsibilities. OP’s ex let her do most of the childcare in the past, and he apparently has no plans to reduce his considerable work schedule.To top it all off he has no reasonable child care plan.

A good judge will understand that family child care and set ups change during divorce. They both agreed to this and now she'd using it against him. She doesn't want her child to have a relationship with their father.

The best interests of a child mean a relationship with both parents equally.

How’s the kid supposed to build this equal relationship with dad if he’s frequently away during his custodial time and shunting responsibility for child-minding onto his mother or a paid caregiver?

Exactly. Dad doesn’t get to retroactively declare himself an equal parent when he has never been one. It would be like OP demanding half of his salary. He hasn’t earned half time
With his kid, and she hasn’t earned half his salary.

Not a good comparison, because when one person sacrifices their career and holds down the fort and does everything to facilitate the other person’s career, I would argue they have earned half of the other’s salary, especially if they set them up for increases in the future. Courts agree with you too especially with situations with one SAHP who did everything to support a very high earner with a demanding/travel intensive job. Not saying this is necessarily the situation here but there would be legal precedent and/or actual laws in place depending on the state to support one spouse’s right to future income.

And also, yeah, dad can’t magically become an equal parent if he did put in the work in the past and isn’t structuring his life to do so in the future

They are facilitating that career for their own benefit. They get an expense free life with everything paid for. They get to be fully absolved of any financial responsibility for themselves or the children they chose to have. It isn’t a sacrifice, it is a choice that gives them a massive benefit that includes accommodation, food, clothing, cars, vacation, lifestyle, children’s expenses, college for kids, savings accounts, retirement accounts etc. Not having any financial responsibilities for yourself as an adult or for the children you had and putting the entirety of those responsibilities on another person isn’t a sacrifice. Both people have pros and cons to choosing to go the 100% one person provider route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one is refusing him contact. Stop making things up to further your misogynistic narrative. Being a dead beat father is not your ex's problem, it's yours and yours only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one’s refusing contact. The dad is the one who stepped out and is having family members fill in for him rather than be in his kids’ life.

Dad like mom works to pay for his families needs. Should both parents quit so they can be there all day and night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one is refusing him contact. Stop making things up to further your misogynistic narrative. Being a dead beat father is not your ex's problem, it's yours and yours only. [/yquote]

This dad is not a deadbeat. Op needs to switch weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traveling for work isn't 'gallivanting'. It's called providing for your family. My late father traveled for work at some points and trust me, he was our dad 100% of the time.

This doesn't sound like a dad who is doing 100% here, with all due respect to your dad and other parents who do only the travel necessary to maintain an income and a career.

True, but OP isn’t doing 100% either. Providing financially for your kid is a huge part of parenting. OP is clear that she has, in the past, relied on his income. Which is fine, but it means that she has also never done 100% of the parenting, and while she is asking for grace as she transitions to a career that can provide more $, she is very angry about him needing similar grace as he sorts out how to provide more time.

The solution here seems to be a ROFR that kicks in on the 2nd consecutive overnight.

DP. I think you are confused about the issue. Nobody disputes he is providing financially and the court will require he continues to do so. The question is physical custody. If he chose work over parenting time in the past, that is the structure a court will likely continue.

Nope, I'm not confused.

OP chose parenting time over the financial piece of parenting. Her STBX chose the opposite. Both of them did so because they trusted the other person to provide the part of parenting that they couldn't. Both of them made choices that were solid choices in the context of a marriage, and have now stopped working.

Now, that's changed. OP has changed her work schedule and prioritized her career, but also points out, rightly, that that's something that takes time and so she needs grace. She can't be expected to suddenly provide at the same level that he did and so needs child support. Ex is likely making similar shifts, and similarly needs some grace while he figures it out.

If she's worried about this particular childcare plan, a ROFR that kicks in at 24 hours prevents it, while not impacting her ability to leave her kid home for a few hours with Grandma, or send her on a sleepover with a friend.

Way to completely make sh*t up. OP said that her ex does not plan to change his work schedule. Nor has he actually even come up with a reasonable childcare plan.

OP has not yet implemented a plan to get her income to his level either.

Adjusting to divorce and coparenting takes time. She needs time, and grace during that time, to be able to figure out how to support herself and her child. He needs time, and grace during that time to figure out how to adjust his career and set up the best childcare. She likely doesn't know if he's job hunting. She likely doesn't know how he's communicating in his organization about arranging his travel to be primarily on days when he doesn't have the kid. She doesn't know if he's interviewing high quality nannies. What she knows is that he hasn't communicated those things to her. If she doesn't trust him to come up with a childcare plan that she approves of, then she can include provisions in the divorce that allow her ROFR. But she doesn't want ROFR because she wants to punish him.

Yeah you keep on not getting it. The custody of the kids is not contingent on OP increasing her salary.

Nor is it contingent on him having already figured out his childcare plan 100%. Both need time and grace to figure out their parts.

You are so confused. A judge doesn’t care about “time and grace.” The judge looks to past conduct and current job responsibilities. OP’s ex let her do most of the childcare in the past, and he apparently has no plans to reduce his considerable work schedule.To top it all off he has no reasonable child care plan.

A good judge will understand that family child care and set ups change during divorce. They both agreed to this and now she'd using it against him. She doesn't want her child to have a relationship with their father.

The best interests of a child mean a relationship with both parents equally.

How’s the kid supposed to build this equal relationship with dad if he’s frequently away during his custodial time and shunting responsibility for child-minding onto his mother or a paid caregiver?

Exactly. Dad doesn’t get to retroactively declare himself an equal parent when he has never been one. It would be like OP demanding half of his salary. He hasn’t earned half time
With his kid, and she hasn’t earned half his salary.

Not a good comparison, because when one person sacrifices their career and holds down the fort and does everything to facilitate the other person’s career, I would argue they have earned half of the other’s salary, especially if they set them up for increases in the future. Courts agree with you too especially with situations with one SAHP who did everything to support a very high earner with a demanding/travel intensive job. Not saying this is necessarily the situation here but there would be legal precedent and/or actual laws in place depending on the state to support one spouse’s right to future income.

And also, yeah, dad can’t magically become an equal parent if he did put in the work in the past and isn’t structuring his life to do so in the future

They are facilitating that career for their own benefit. They get an expense free life with everything paid for. They get to be fully absolved of any financial responsibility for themselves or the children they chose to have. It isn’t a sacrifice, it is a choice that gives them a massive benefit that includes accommodation, food, clothing, cars, vacation, lifestyle, children’s expenses, college for kids, savings accounts, retirement accounts etc. Not having any financial responsibilities for yourself as an adult or for the children you had and putting the entirety of those responsibilities on another person isn’t a sacrifice. Both people have pros and cons to choosing to go the 100% one person provider route.

Stay at home parents don’t have any financial responsibilities for themselves or their children?

This is an insane take. You make it sound like they’re a 6 year old just wandering blindly through their days asking and thinking about nothing but lunch money and Friday night allowance. I don’t know a SAHP, man or woman, that isn’t as involved financially or more so than their salary-earning spouse, and in most cases I can think of the SAHP took over budgeting, financial planning, investing, etc long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one is refusing him contact. Stop making things up to further your misogynistic narrative. Being a dead beat father is not your ex's problem, it's yours and yours only. [/yquote]

This dad is not a deadbeat. Op needs to switch weeks.

The dad’s a deadbeat. He left his family and can’t even be present for the fractional amount of time that he’ll have responsibility for and access to his kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one’s refusing contact. The dad is the one who stepped out and is having family members fill in for him rather than be in his kids’ life.

Dad like mom works to pay for his families needs. Should both parents quit so they can be there all day and night.

No but at some point there’s a choice- earn another million that year or get more time with your kids? This obviously isn’t a thread about a dad working overtime at manual labor job to put food on the table. It’s a dad with a highly compensated career who has the option to not take a travel role and didn’t. This kid has maybe 8-10 years left of their childhood and the dad is so blinded by the external validation of his career that he’s going to miss what’s left of that childhood in the name of piling up more and more money.

At some point there is a trade off between financial and emotional security, but dads like this don’t understand that and think that their earning power should create love and devotion from their children.

[Anonymous]

OP sounding more and more as
Embittered because xDH is richer than before and she isn't enjoying the lifestyle she would have if still MrsDH
Repulsed my his FOO culture and doesn't want kids exposed to the grandma
Revenge seeking to expose his flaws as a parent lest people think he's ok.

Sad. It's about the benjamins.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Talk to him about it and offer to change parenting days when he travels. If its not ok his mom care for the kids, why is it ok yours care when she's not doing well herself and cannot actually care for the kids. You both need a real and realistic back up plan.

Mine doesn’t even live with us and wouldn’t care for DC. DC is 8. I’m just imagining a future when DC is 13 and my mom has moved in and DC can’t stay home “alone” like a normal 13 year old for a few hours because they would be technically in the house with my mom so DH could trigger ROFR.

If DH did this, they would annoy their teen child and it would not go well for dad.

Just wait until you are co-parenting a teen with strong opinions…They will not be young child easily passed back and forth. They will have resentments.

Or maybe they will resent you taking dad away.

Taking the dad away...or the dad walking away?

If you refuse contact you are taking the kids dad away. You will not all him in their life. Take responsibility.

No one’s refusing contact. The dad is the one who stepped out and is having family members fill in for him rather than be in his kids’ life.

Dad like mom works to pay for his families needs. Should both parents quit so they can be there all day and night.

Sounds like you care more about your job than your children. You know they see that, right? How sad for them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Traveling for work isn't 'gallivanting'. It's called providing for your family. My late father traveled for work at some points and trust me, he was our dad 100% of the time.

This doesn't sound like a dad who is doing 100% here, with all due respect to your dad and other parents who do only the travel necessary to maintain an income and a career.

True, but OP isn’t doing 100% either. Providing financially for your kid is a huge part of parenting. OP is clear that she has, in the past, relied on his income. Which is fine, but it means that she has also never done 100% of the parenting, and while she is asking for grace as she transitions to a career that can provide more $, she is very angry about him needing similar grace as he sorts out how to provide more time.

The solution here seems to be a ROFR that kicks in on the 2nd consecutive overnight.

DP. I think you are confused about the issue. Nobody disputes he is providing financially and the court will require he continues to do so. The question is physical custody. If he chose work over parenting time in the past, that is the structure a court will likely continue.

Nope, I'm not confused.

OP chose parenting time over the financial piece of parenting. Her STBX chose the opposite. Both of them did so because they trusted the other person to provide the part of parenting that they couldn't. Both of them made choices that were solid choices in the context of a marriage, and have now stopped working.

Now, that's changed. OP has changed her work schedule and prioritized her career, but also points out, rightly, that that's something that takes time and so she needs grace. She can't be expected to suddenly provide at the same level that he did and so needs child support. Ex is likely making similar shifts, and similarly needs some grace while he figures it out.

If she's worried about this particular childcare plan, a ROFR that kicks in at 24 hours prevents it, while not impacting her ability to leave her kid home for a few hours with Grandma, or send her on a sleepover with a friend.

Way to completely make sh*t up. OP said that her ex does not plan to change his work schedule. Nor has he actually even come up with a reasonable childcare plan.

OP has not yet implemented a plan to get her income to his level either.

Adjusting to divorce and coparenting takes time. She needs time, and grace during that time, to be able to figure out how to support herself and her child. He needs time, and grace during that time to figure out how to adjust his career and set up the best childcare. She likely doesn't know if he's job hunting. She likely doesn't know how he's communicating in his organization about arranging his travel to be primarily on days when he doesn't have the kid. She doesn't know if he's interviewing high quality nannies. What she knows is that he hasn't communicated those things to her. If she doesn't trust him to come up with a childcare plan that she approves of, then she can include provisions in the divorce that allow her ROFR. But she doesn't want ROFR because she wants to punish him.

Yeah you keep on not getting it. The custody of the kids is not contingent on OP increasing her salary.

Nor is it contingent on him having already figured out his childcare plan 100%. Both need time and grace to figure out their parts.

You are so confused. A judge doesn’t care about “time and grace.” The judge looks to past conduct and current job responsibilities. OP’s ex let her do most of the childcare in the past, and he apparently has no plans to reduce his considerable work schedule.To top it all off he has no reasonable child care plan.

A good judge will understand that family child care and set ups change during divorce. They both agreed to this and now she'd using it against him. She doesn't want her child to have a relationship with their father.

The best interests of a child mean a relationship with both parents equally.

How’s the kid supposed to build this equal relationship with dad if he’s frequently away during his custodial time and shunting responsibility for child-minding onto his mother or a paid caregiver?

No different than marriage. Op can switch days.

Yes different from marriage. They are not married and the entire custody arrangement should not hinge around one person’s schedule. A consistent schedule must be worked out and if one party cannot commit to this schedule, oh well. The priority should always be the child.