Do "open marriages"/ENM/poly arrangements every really prove happy and stable over the longer term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Why do you assume the other 3 are men?

I’m a sex educator. She works in public health.

And waaah the men don’t like wearing condoms for too long …… then they don’t need to f&$k her. Right? She can have a boundary and if they can’t respect it she doesn’t have to stay. It’s a) not a marriage and b) not all women worry about what their man needs/wants etc (apparently dcurban moms do)

And I wouldn’t want their relationship or life. I’m exhausted thinking about all she has going on. But it’s not my life.

All decent men have ample options in dating market through the apps and won't tolerate no BJs or condoms for more than a few months. She must be changing partners all the time, or exposing herself and the husband.

The gender of the "giving" partner doesn't matter - if she gives head to women, she's exposed, too

[Anonymous]

Would be really rare.

Would guess that less than .01% of relationships can survive any length and be open marriage. People get jealous. Human nature.

[Anonymous]

They didn’t open until the youngest was 2

That’s…not a flex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They didn’t open until the youngest was 2

That’s…not a flex

Why would it be a flex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would be really rare.

Would guess that less than .01% of relationships can survive any length and be open marriage. People get jealous. Human nature.

What does survive mean?

It’s survived the last 4 years, they have been married for 15.

Again I wouldn’t do it. But she’s happy, kids aren’t happy, husbands happy (he doesn’t date much) why does it matter to anyone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Why do you assume the other 3 are men?

I’m a sex educator. She works in public health.

And waaah the men don’t like wearing condoms for too long …… then they don’t need to f&$k her. Right? She can have a boundary and if they can’t respect it she doesn’t have to stay. It’s a) not a marriage and b) not all women worry about what their man needs/wants etc (apparently dcurban moms do)

And I wouldn’t want their relationship or life. I’m exhausted thinking about all she has going on. But it’s not my life.

All decent men have ample options in dating market through the apps and won't tolerate no BJs or condoms for more than a few months. She must be changing partners all the time, or exposing herself and the husband.

The gender of the "giving" partner doesn't matter - if she gives head to women, she's exposed, too

You know this from experience? You are married, monogamous? Do you interview “decent” men about their sexual behaviors for a living?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine and her boyfriend ended breaking up but she was willing to open il their relationship just to keep him. There were also kids involved and she tried to convince me that there would be “more people to love their kids.” Girl, bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously all this stuff is having a moment. But while I have not been a model of monogamy my whole life, I find it insane that anyone– especially any woman– would put up with a partner who said "oh hi yeah I love you but need to also have sex with other people." It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I mean: I guess I get it if you and your primary partner were never all that into each other? If you've always kind of been more like pals than romantic partners? But if you truly love and desire your partner, how are y9ou okay with them openly going off and sleeping with others?

I know people say they set "rules" but come on. You can't really set boundaries around whether you fall for someone you're boinking. People catch feelings.

I have heard people insist that their open relationship is great and stable, thank you very much, but usually they then say something like "and it's been stable for five whole years!" which is... not a lot. Absolutely everyone I've ever met who was in some sort of ENM situation had it fall apart on them, often spectacularly and with a lot of ill feeling.

To be clear, I am not saying monogamy is perfect, or anyone should stay in a monogamous situation in which they are unhappy just because. But the ENM stuff just feels like it is not the solution, especially not for women

Am I missing something? I am divorced and dating, and for me, men who say they prefer non-monogamy are a hard no.

Okay, but how many monogamous relationships work long term?

You’ve never had a friend who dated someone for a month or two, a year, 20 years, and it didn’t work out?

People protest too much. Sometimes relationships don’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Agree. Sleeping with one husband plus three side pieces who are also sleeping around - how does that not result in STDs for everyone involved?

Because the vast majority of people don’t have an STI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They didn’t open until the youngest was 2

That’s…not a flex

It’s a fact, not a flex.

[Anonymous]

I used to be open minded about this for other people even if it wasn't for me. But then I watched how messy, selfish, and just plain weird these relationships were when I knew a couple relationships like this. People who do this tend to be narcissistic and arrogant. They tend to be AWFUL parents.

I now view it as a red flag. Do what you want, but do it far away from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Agree. Sleeping with one husband plus three side pieces who are also sleeping around - how does that not result in STDs for everyone involved?

Because the vast majority of people don’t have an STI.

Because most people are monogamous or celibate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Agree. Sleeping with one husband plus three side pieces who are also sleeping around - how does that not result in STDs for everyone involved?

Because the vast majority of people don’t have an STI.

Because most people are monogamous or celibate.

Most doesn’t equate no stds. 15% have STDs and that’s high enough for many not to engage in risky sexual practices

[Anonymous]

I think an open marriage can help a not great marriage become an okay marriage. So in this sense, yes, I think they can last. But you have to have two pretty pragmatic people to make it work: I mean, people who are okay with having no real "romance" with their primary partner, and with having no real partnership with their sexual/romantic liaisons. I think there are people who are like this and for whom it works: people who see sex as mainly a physical need, and/or who are absolutely committed to their spouse for practical reasons (financial survival, or because the spouse has a serious illness), etc.

And of course there are masochists and there are also people who just love melodrama... sometimes that can "work" for a long time, though it's not the kind of relationship most mentally healthy people would want.

Bottom line, though, is that usually it is a way for people to distract themselves from some underlying problem that seems unfixable to them. Not a good in itself.

It is poignant and kind of sad to me how many of the books/articles by heterosexual women on open marriages start with "my husband pushed me to do this and I was resistant at first but now it's great, no, really, it's totally great, no really!" When what oozes out is a kind of desperation.

[Anonymous]

No clue but wanted to mention that all the people involved into these arrangements are SO ugly. The bathe twice per week, overweight, crunchy alternative type.