Do "open marriages"/ENM/poly arrangements every really prove happy and stable over the longer term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, most marriages ARE pretty happy.

"Seventy-nine percent of married men and 75 percent of married women report being completely satisfied or very satisfied with their relationship."
https://www.americansurveycenter.org/newsletter/is-marriage-better-for-men/#:~:text=For%20what%20it's%20worth%2C%20married,very%20satisfied%20with%20their%20relationship.

My ham sandwich was satisfying. Didn’t make me happy though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, in theory, this could work out well for the small subset of people who are capable of navigating the emotional complexities and don’t feel much sexual jealousy. In practice, I think its too complex and difficult for most people to handle, and it’s fraught with the potential for abuse where one partner threatens to leave unless the other agrees to some kind of ENM arrangement. More people, I think, will be hurt by the mainstreaming of ENM than will be benefited.

Best comment of the lot

The same works for monogamy too. Too many people assume what happiness should look like or a relationship and aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, most marriages ARE pretty happy.

"Seventy-nine percent of married men and 75 percent of married women report being completely satisfied or very satisfied with their relationship."
https://www.americansurveycenter.org/newsletter/is-marriage-better-for-men/#:~:text=For%20what%20it's%20worth%2C%20married,very%20satisfied%20with%20their%20relationship.

My ham sandwich was satisfying. Didn’t make me happy though.

Yeah, well, your ham sandwich isn't a legal, financial, and social contract that provides stability and commitment for your entire family. The primary purpose is not to make you feel happy all the time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the purpose of marriage is to "make you happy" either. In fact, if you think marriage will "make you happy" when you are not already happy, you are probably headed for disappointment. But if you are a generally happy person in a satisfying marriage, that satisfying marriage- which is a far larger part of your life than a ham sandwich– will probably be a major contributor to your ongoing happiness.

[Anonymous]

I think most people aren't very self aware and have crappy communication skills. This can create problems managing the inevitable conflicts that arise in any/all relationships.

But add more people (in an open or poly situation), and you add more conflicts. By conflicts I don't mean aggression or hostility, I just mean conflicting needs (one person wants steak for dinner, the other's a vegan! one wants to stay home and watch TV, the other wants to go out! one person thinks the kids need more discipline, the other doesn't!).

Add more people, you add more conflicts, and there is also more competition for the finite resource of human attention and company. You might love four people deeply, but you have to work and sleep and commute and go to the supermarket and all that, so you have to divide your time with each, and if you have two or more partners, you will have less time for each than if you have one. Which leads to more conflicts.

Maybe people who are really, really self-aware, really, really secure, really really good at regulating their own emotions and really, really good at communicating can manage all these conflicts in an ENM/poly setting way that works long term.

But since most people suck at those things, even managing the conflicts that arise with a single partner can be a challenge.

To me, even if you posit that everyone involved has the emotional skill set to manage conflicts effectively, ENM and open relationship and especially poly just sounds f*ing exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, most marriages ARE pretty happy.

"Seventy-nine percent of married men and 75 percent of married women report being completely satisfied or very satisfied with their relationship."
https://www.americansurveycenter.org/newsletter/is-marriage-better-for-men/#:~:text=For%20what%20it's%20worth%2C%20married,very%20satisfied%20with%20their%20relationship.

My ham sandwich was satisfying. Didn’t make me happy though.

Well the goal of marriage isn't "happiness" -- it's partnership and companionship. Happiness is separate.

I think it's weird to decide that sex and romance with other people will make you happy, but that you couldn't find it other ways. Sex is good but especially as I get older, there are so many other things I also enjoy. I love playing sports, going hiking, taking vacations, eating good meals, watching a movie, listening to good music. Fortunately my spouse likes a lot of those things, or if he doesn't, he supports me in pursuing them because he wants me to be happy (and I do the same for him). Having sex with other people might make each of us happier to some degree for some period of time, but unlike all those other pursuits, it could cause anxiety and unhappiness for the other person. So we don't.

It just seems like there's some immaturity to someone who is experiencing all the benefits of marriage (companionship, emotional support, safety, economic stability, etc.) but because they don't feel happy, that can only be addressed by sex with others. What a severe and disruptive choice! Like dude, try taking up tennis or reading mystery novels first. Maybe plan a snorkeling vacation? Have you considered improving your sleep hygiene, seeing a therapist, or reading a self help book about stress management? Of all the things you could do to improve your personal happiness, why would you choose the thing most disruptive to your marriage? It seems idiotic.

[Anonymous]

I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

[Anonymous]

It is gross and not a likely stable foundation for family life. All 3 young kids have same dad? For sure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Agree. Sleeping with one husband plus three side pieces who are also sleeping around - how does that not result in STDs for everyone involved?

[Anonymous]

I've only known three situations where people have had (or sought) open marriages. All of these individuals seemed to have some problems.
In these cases, it seemed like a way to escape the responsibilities of family or to experience variety without the guilt. No one was happy and one couple nearly divorced.

[Anonymous]

Maybe open marriage works to keep a failing marriage intact until the kids are out. It delays the divorce until then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like for some couples, if the marriage is pretty bad but both people are willing to try an open marriage and that open marriage works until the kids are launched, then it's a success story (see the other relationship post about a woman wondering whether she should remarry because she has a 6-year-old daugther, and response sharing links about the significant increased risk of child abuse including sexual abuse when there is the presence of an unrelated man in the home).

The open marriage I know that is working for both married people it was because their are both so happy with each other and their marriage they feel its strong enough for them to have fun with others.

They married young; the day after college and now in their 30s they each have a separate date night and see their other person. Also the wife is the one who asked and she is in 3 separate relationships.

And they have 3 young kids.

Is she using condoms with all 3 other men? Men usually don't like condoms for an extended time, and they want unprotected BJs. It's not like they only f...k her, so it could be that she indirectly is exposed to sexual fluids of dozens of other people which is kind of gross....

Why do you assume the other 3 are men?

I’m a sex educator. She works in public health.

And waaah the men don’t like wearing condoms for too long …… then they don’t need to f&$k her. Right? She can have a boundary and if they can’t respect it she doesn’t have to stay. It’s a) not a marriage and b) not all women worry about what their man needs/wants etc (apparently dcurban moms do)

And I wouldn’t want their relationship or life. I’m exhausted thinking about all she has going on. But it’s not my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is gross and not a likely stable foundation for family life. All 3 young kids have same dad? For sure?

They didn’t open until the youngest was 2 and her husband was fixed.

Kids aren’t involved in her adult relationships.

I’m friends w her, never met her kids.