Do "open marriages"/ENM/poly arrangements every really prove happy and stable over the longer term?
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Anonymous
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Obviously all this stuff is having a moment. But while I have not been a model of monogamy my whole life, I find it insane that anyone– especially any woman– would put up with a partner who said "oh hi yeah I love you but need to also have sex with other people." It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I mean: I guess I get it if you and your primary partner were never all that into each other? If you've always kind of been more like pals than romantic partners? But if you truly love and desire your partner, how are y9ou okay with them openly going off and sleeping with others?
I know people say they set "rules" but come on. You can't really set boundaries around whether you fall for someone you're boinking. People catch feelings. I have heard people insist that their open relationship is great and stable, thank you very much, but usually they then say something like "and it's been stable for five whole years!" which is... not a lot. Absolutely everyone I've ever met who was in some sort of ENM situation had it fall apart on them, often spectacularly and with a lot of ill feeling. To be clear, I am not saying monogamy is perfect, or anyone should stay in a monogamous situation in which they are unhappy just because. But the ENM stuff just feels like it is not the solution, especially not for women Am I missing something? I am divorced and dating, and for me, men who say they prefer non-monogamy are a hard no. |
Anonymous
| I have known people who engage in these arrangements and I have never, ever seen it work in the long-term. |
Anonymous
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Is it having a moment? Seems to me it's quickly fading away...
I've never seen stability in ENM. Not even close. |
Anonymous
| I think it can work for a while— I used to read a blog by someone who was polyamorous, but not years and years and years. |
Anonymous
| It works until it doesn't. Like monogamy for a lot of people. |
Anonymous
They chose what to write in the blog... |
Anonymous
| NP. I’ve known several polyamorous couples and was in one once when I was young and susceptible. I’ve literally never seen it work out. Not once. |
Anonymous
| I have only known one (he was my boss and had been open about it apparently), and he had been married for over 30 years, so I guess it worked for them. |
Anonymous
| No, they don’t work. Most often the cheater pressures their spouse into the arrangement so they can cheat openly. |
Anonymous
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From what I’ve seen works great if one or both have a cuckoldry fetish - it’s a thing, some people like to hear their partner telling them about other people they are sleeping with. I know some women who seem to think that being the “primary” partner makes them special, like a constant reminder that out of all the possibilities, it’s them that were chosen. It also works if there are some serious benefits attached to staying in this relationship, so it’s a calculated decision similar to someone working crazy hours for a good pay.
Otherwise, those relationships eventually fall apart. |
Anonymous
| No. Of course they don't work. They don't work because the whole problem is that they cannot manage relationships to begin with. The second reason is that most participants have some neurodivergent issue, which is probably why they can't manage long term relationships. |
Anonymous
Yup, and then call it polyamory. Exactly. Then it backfires on everyone. |
Anonymous
| There are lots of relationship models out there which I think are pretty terrible, but I would never get personally invested in the idea that they literally never work out. |
Anonymous
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It works out of all three partners are very much in love with each other. A real “triad” where partners live together, sleep together and separately, travel together, birth children etc.
There were historically known triads that lasted for years. Possibly, Warren Buffet (leaving here unnamed some other big business figures as it’s not public info) William Marston, lots of famous Russian writers in 19-20th century. They were actual families though. The members had a lot of economical and social freedom which ensured it lasted . https://geoffblades.com/wonder-woman-was-polyamorous/#:~:text=Wonder%20Woman%20was%20created%20by,a%20paper%20on%20sexual%20taboos. https://www.gw2ru.com/lifestyle/234990-love-triangles-of-russian-writers/amp |
Anonymous
| Does ENM differ between DADT? Isn’t the latter how a decent chunk of our grandparents/great grandparents stayed married for 50+ years? |