Do "open marriages"/ENM/poly arrangements every really prove happy and stable over the longer term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a closed poly quad for the last 9 years, and my husband and I were monogamish for 7 years before that. It works for us *shrug*

Oh sweet summer child

"closed"

You can speak only for yourself, not 3 other people. All you've done is multiplied the odds of being cheated on x3

But you know carry on

I’m smiling at the level of ego you must have to think you know more about my relationship than I do. If this was meant to hurt or offend, you’ll have to try a lot harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they make a lot of sense. Much more sense than the idea of meeting someone in your 20s/30s and staying faithful to them for the rest of your life -- which could be another 50-60 years!!

That's what serial monogamy is for...

The entire problem is that most humans are wired for serial monogamy. Almost nobody is happiest staying with one person for 20+, 30+ years.

[Anonymous]

I think, in theory, this could work out well for the small subset of people who are capable of navigating the emotional complexities and don’t feel much sexual jealousy. In practice, I think its too complex and difficult for most people to handle, and it’s fraught with the potential for abuse where one partner threatens to leave unless the other agrees to some kind of ENM arrangement. More people, I think, will be hurt by the mainstreaming of ENM than will be benefited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they make a lot of sense. Much more sense than the idea of meeting someone in your 20s/30s and staying faithful to them for the rest of your life -- which could be another 50-60 years!!

That's what serial monogamy is for...

The entire problem is that most humans are wired for serial monogamy. Almost nobody is happiest staying with one person for 20+, 30+ years.

We are 30+ years and we are happy. Yes, sex with someone else does have its appeal but not enough to wreck the happiness and everything we’ve built up over 30 years. If we are having sex and I’m face down I sometimes pretend I’m with someone else, but with nobody I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a closed poly quad for the last 9 years, and my husband and I were monogamish for 7 years before that. It works for us *shrug*

Are you all bisexual?

[Anonymous]

It’s not surprising that a cheater (unethical) can’t tell the difference between that and enm or poly.

You can’t stay monogamous without lying to your partner, how do you get off criticizing someone else’s relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No truly heterosexual man who is mentally healthy and who truly loves his wife or girlfriend would ever want another man touching her.

So if ENM means the man gets to bang other women, sure why not. But no man wants to kiss his wife if she's been slobbering some other guys nob.

Period. Anyone who claims otherwise is FOS.

Yes that's why prostitutes have never been able to manage to get customers, ever throughout history.

And why isn't he slobbering some guys nob himself?


You sheltered, sheltered boy.

[Anonymous]

Lots of monogamous relationships don’t work out, either. And LOTS of “monogamous” relationships aren’t truly monogamous (bc someone cheats).

Adding more people adds more complications; for sure. But to me, monogamy also feels dangerously unstable… it’s so easy to have a crush on someone you aren’t married to and don’t have to actually live with and coparent with. And think that because that relationship is easier/more fun; you are meant to be with them. How many men leave for affair partners and then end up married to AP and realizing actually she’s not a perfect magical soulmate bc life/relationships are hard?

I think something monogam-ish seems most stable long term. Lets you prioritize your marriage/relationship but also not expect one person to meet every need forever. Allows you to chase a crush once in a while until it naturally ends which most do. And probably is closest to what “successful” marriages have actually looked like for most of history. Though I’d prefer honesty (with respectful discretion) over lying/looking the other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously all this stuff is having a moment. But while I have not been a model of monogamy my whole life, I find it insane that anyone– especially any woman– would put up with a partner who said "oh hi yeah I love you but need to also have sex with other people." It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I mean: I guess I get it if you and your primary partner were never all that into each other? If you've always kind of been more like pals than romantic partners? But if you truly love and desire your partner, how are y9ou okay with them openly going off and sleeping with others?

I know people say they set "rules" but come on. You can't really set boundaries around whether you fall for someone you're boinking. People catch feelings.

I have heard people insist that their open relationship is great and stable, thank you very much, but usually they then say something like "and it's been stable for five whole years!" which is... not a lot. Absolutely everyone I've ever met who was in some sort of ENM situation had it fall apart on them, often spectacularly and with a lot of ill feeling.

To be clear, I am not saying monogamy is perfect, or anyone should stay in a monogamous situation in which they are unhappy just because. But the ENM stuff just feels like it is not the solution, especially not for women

Am I missing something? I am divorced and dating, and for me, men who say they prefer non-monogamy are a hard no.

What you are missing is that the alternative to open/ENM/poly isn't " happy monogamous marriage" for most people. "Happy monogamous marriage" is rare. One of those 3 parts usually breaks.

So then the question is, which drama do you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think something monogam-ish seems most stable long term. Lets you prioritize your marriage/relationship but also not expect one person to meet every need forever. Allows you to chase a crush once in a while until it naturally ends which most do. And probably is closest to what “successful” marriages have actually looked like for most of history. Though I’d prefer honesty (with respectful discretion) over lying/looking the other way.

Agree. I think there has to be an acknowledgment that even deeply devoted partners will sometimes be attracted to others, have crishes on others, flirt a bit... and this is normal and okay, as long as it is coupled with a deep commitment to the primary partner. And I think there has to be some scope for forgiveness of occasional lapses. But they should be viewed as lapses.

Absolutely agree monogamy is of course no guarantee of happiness. In *theory* some form of poly or openness could work out well for all concerned for the long haul. But in practice, since most humans ar not super evolved, not super self-aware and not super good at communicating, adding more people to the mix seems like just multiplying the odds of hurt and anger all around.

I mean: a pretty good open marriage or poly situation is better than a terrible monogamous marriage. But I would sure rather have a pretty good monogamous marriage than a pretty good poly situation. For me it is not an ethical thing. It is partly just the way I am wired. I like being part of a committed couple, which doesn't mean I don't get crushes: they are just not more important to me than the live I have built and continue to built with with a man I love. And it is partly the conviction that people being people, ENM usually blows up.

[Anonymous]

^ Crushes. Not crishes.

[Anonymous]

Actually, most marriages ARE pretty happy.

"Seventy-nine percent of married men and 75 percent of married women report being completely satisfied or very satisfied with their relationship."
https://www.americansurveycenter.org/newsletter/is-marriage-better-for-men/#:~:text=For%20what%20it's%20worth%2C%20married,very%20satisfied%20with%20their%20relationship.

[Anonymous]

lol NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a memoir published in the last year or so by a woman in an ENM marriage. It got a lot of press at the time (Molly Roden Winter is the author). Literally every comment I read in various reviews said her dh came across as a total jerk who bullied her into being non-monogamous so that he could carry on his affairs. I didn't read the book; the reviews were unappealing enough. The other common thread in all the comments was people placing bets on when that marriage would implode. It sounded kind of sad to me. They have teenage kids who have to deal with their parents' relationship being discussed far and wide.

I mean, she keeps begging the husband to close the marriage and he refuses. He’s a rich guy so I assume she’s staying for the money.

I read the book. Both Molly and her husband are selfish in their own right. Molly fell in love and had a long term partner, but he wanted more than she could give him. Had he not moved, it likely would have lasted even longer, as she was breaking her husband and her set "rules".

I also just finished watching PolyFamily on Hulu. One married couple with two kids form a closed quad with another couple. The two women first proceed to have two babies within seven months of each other. Then the second wife gets pregnant again. The show picks up at the end of the last pregnancy. They do not know the bio fathers of the three younger kids. They live in Oregon, and they have a ton of issues. I just don't see how it will last long term. I think they've been together for five years (at the time of filming), so probably six years now. What a mess.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of studies also suggest that married people are generally happier than unmarried people. And the overwhelming majority of married people say they are in monogamous marriages.

It is an interesting question how you square this with the stats on divorce. I suppose they are not necessarily inconsistent: even people who ultimately divorce may be happily married for long periods. And it may be that some high percentage of marriages that end in divorce are brief marriages, leaving the parties to then form new, happier marriages that last a longer time.