DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This is 100% what I'd tell my DH to do. He and his sister could trade off. But there is NO WAY I'd let one of his parents move into our home. One is anxiety ridden and one is insanely critical. Neither are flexible. I'd be fine if that meant he needed to spend less time with me to care for them. But *I* will not be doing their care.

My parents are much easier people, and I still would not move them in either. So there's that.

Exactly. Honestly, there is very little that would be worse for the woman involved than having the MIL moved into the home. Even taking on all of the childcare with a lower income for the family would not be as much work -- and more importantly, not as unacknowledged, unappreciated, and both mentally and physically stressful.

The real trick is that people who don't do caregiving are very quick to minimize how much is involved, and yet also will contort into pretzels not to do it themselves. Or, at the least, say they will do the work but magically disappear for those times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

Key is here that this has been discussed and both partners agree on taking parents in well ahead of time. In OPs case, mother’s needs are imminent and it doesn’t sound like a discussion had been had previously. This is a basic values issue that should have been sorted out long before the actual need arose.

My best friend is a woman in her 70s. Her daughter and her SIL have purchased a house that can easily be converted to have an IL unit if and when the time is right. In the mean time, their college aged kids have a lot of extra space for friends and the like. His parents will be going with his brother and SIL. Finances are open and sorted out. It’s brilliant, really.

As I asked above, has that poster (you?) actually lived with their parents at any point? Or are they just discussing it and ‘sorting it out’ beforehand without any actual experience? It’s very easy to pat oneself on the back when you haven’t actually had the lived experience of OP or many of the other people that have already experienced it. Good for you for judging OP and the other posters that have different lived experiences and situations. You have no clue what anyone else’s life is like and judging them for not ‘sorting it out beforehand’.
I’ve actually had my parents and sibling move in with my spouse and kids at different times, and it very nearly destroyed my marriage and had long term emotional impact on my children. Maybe that’s selfish of me to focus on my kids and not center my parents forever.
But now everyone has a healthier relationship with just a little distance. Obviously some people don’t have a choice but to live together but I’m sure those people that are actually experiencing this instead of ‘discussing it beforehand’ would tell you it’s not as easy as just talking about it with your spouse and patting yourself on the back about how generous you are.

You couldn't be more right. And the smugness about it is both naive and rude, but some people are just like that, I guess.

[Anonymous]

It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

Who said anything about lacking? Some families value inter generational households, some value making sure older members are placed in specialized housing, etc. Some don’t consider it at all. But in general, families have a set of values that they follow through with with regards to both elder and child care. It’s not a judgment- different families have different values on this.

I’m not really sure about why you’re so prickly about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

Who said anything about lacking? Some families value inter generational households, some value making sure older members are placed in specialized housing, etc. Some don’t consider it at all. But in general, families have a set of values that they follow through with with regards to both elder and child care. It’s not a judgment- different families have different values on this.

I’m not really sure about why you’re so prickly about this.

I don’t think I’m the only one being ‘prickly’ about this lol. Your responses reek of judgement and yes, a sense of smugness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

Are you okay? I don't think that came out the way you wanted.

[Anonymous]

DH has attempted to move his mother in with us twice. I really tried. In the end, I told him either she went or I did, and I meant it. It was a living nightmare for me, and terrible for our family, including our children. He made her move out, fortunately. I have told him that when she is old enough and sick enough that she can't get out of bed, then she can come back and I will help take care of her. But as long as she is able to get up and make trouble, he will need to make other arrangements.

[Anonymous]

My husband is Indian and his grandmother lived with him part of his life growing up and after he moved out. It’s just what is done. Having that strong relationship with his grandmother was part of the fabric of his childhood and it’s just a different way of living. My in-laws have been very helpful to us with our kids and always are by our side whenever we need them. They are also extremely kind and keep any opinions or judgment to themselves. I have already offered for them to move in with us. They treat us how they want to be treated and if more parents did that maybe people would feel differently about them moving in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

So what? Even if the OP is the only one in the world who loves his spouse more than his parents, his personal preferences should be respected, just like the personal preferences of LGBT people should be respected.

[Anonymous]

Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

[Anonymous]

When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

My DH and I each come from immigrant families ( each from different countries) and none of our parents provided elder care to their parents. My parents hired out care for their parents who remained in their homes. My MIL visited her mother in the nursing home a lot.