DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This is 100% what I'd tell my DH to do. He and his sister could trade off. But there is NO WAY I'd let one of his parents move into our home. One is anxiety ridden and one is insanely critical. Neither are flexible. I'd be fine if that meant he needed to spend less time with me to care for them. But *I* will not be doing their care.

My parents are much easier people, and I still would not move them in either. So there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

Working full time, sure - but how on earth is two kids in college a drain on your time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

I’m sorry for your loss. Does your mother feel no guilt or shame about outliving two of her children?

And regardless, why on earth should she feel shame or guilt when two of her kids dies unexpectedly?

Her mom has dementia what are you talking about?!

[Anonymous]

I feel bad, but I wouldn't move my inlaws in, but would move my parents in. I'm willing to quit my job, bathe my parents, toilet them, and cook/clean for them. I'm not willing to do any of that for my inlaws. I like them, but just can't see bathing or toileting them. I also don't get along with them politically and run my household differently than my inlaws. I run my house just the same way that I was raised. Unless we're dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's, I wouldn't send my parents to a nursing home. I cared for both of my grandparents in their last months as well when they were completely bed bound.

And the big one is that I'm willing to tell my parents NO when needed and to speak up. DH lets his parents walk all over us and would never in a million years tell them no.

I have a son and I hope I've raised him to care for his family better than my inlaws raised DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This is a great solution. My grandma did this. The only issue was that she only got a 1 bedroom apartment which made it VERY difficult for people to stay with her and help her. It was fine when her kids were in their 50s, but by the time they were 70, they didn't want to sleep on the couch either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad, but I wouldn't move my inlaws in, but would move my parents in. I'm willing to quit my job, bathe my parents, toilet them, and cook/clean for them. I'm not willing to do any of that for my inlaws. I like them, but just can't see bathing or toileting them. I also don't get along with them politically and run my household differently than my inlaws. I run my house just the same way that I was raised. Unless we're dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's, I wouldn't send my parents to a nursing home. I cared for both of my grandparents in their last months as well when they were completely bed bound.

And the big one is that I'm willing to tell my parents NO when needed and to speak up. DH lets his parents walk all over us and would never in a million years tell them no.

I have a son and I hope I've raised him to care for his family better than my inlaws raised DH.

It's great you were able to do that, most people can't. You were fortunate it was only for months and not years. Was your son young at the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This is 100% what I'd tell my DH to do. He and his sister could trade off. But there is NO WAY I'd let one of his parents move into our home. One is anxiety ridden and one is insanely critical. Neither are flexible. I'd be fine if that meant he needed to spend less time with me to care for them. But *I* will not be doing their care.

My parents are much easier people, and I still would not move them in either. So there's that.

It wouldn't just be less time with you. If your MIL needed 24/7 care and your Dh and sister in law were doing it all, trading off shifts, your Dh would be forced to quit his job. Would you be fine without his income and any benefits (health insurance, retirement, etc.) his job brings to your household?
Do you have kids? Even if the kids are older and you don't need him to care for the kids, would you be fine with him missing out on family vacations? Milestone events like graduations, weddings, etc?

What if SIL said no, she's not doing it? You can't force her. You can't force her to pay for any expenses either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

I’m sorry for your loss. Does your mother feel no guilt or shame about outliving two of her children?

And regardless, why on earth should she feel shame or guilt when two of her kids dies unexpectedly?

Her mom has dementia what are you talking about?!

Because, children are supposed to outlive their parents; not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

have you had a parent move in with you? If not, you have no idea what you are talking about. My FIL moved in with us because of a money issue and while he was a lovely person- it was still rough. It was like having an overgrown surly bossy toddler added to the mix.

He lived with us for 10 years until he passed and I have already told my siblings that we will never ever take in another parent The remaining parents need to figure their plans out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

I’m sorry for your loss. Does your mother feel no guilt or shame about outliving two of her children?

And regardless, why on earth should she feel shame or guilt when two of her kids dies unexpectedly?

Her mom has dementia what are you talking about?!

Because, children are supposed to outlive their parents; not the other way around.

SP. My point is that PP shouldn’t feel obligated to care for their mother, as the longer their mother is alive, the longer nature is being defied.

[Anonymous]

My 85 yo mother is having mobility issues and cognitive decline. She lives about 20 minutes from me and part of me says that she should move in with us but it just wouldn’t work. I have a teenager, a husband who works at home and I work out of the home. My mother has become very needy so I wouldn’t want any of her care during the week day to fall on my husband. She doesn’t have a lot of money so she can’t go to assisted living.

I got a caregiver 3 days a week and seems to be working. I’m at home 2 days a week so I can do doctor’s appointments, etc. for her on those days. My brother comes a couple times a month on the weekends.

I see memory care in her future because we just can’t provide that type of care for her at home.

I feel guilty but it’s the only way I can have a somewhat happy home.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

Key is here that this has been discussed and both partners agree on taking parents in well ahead of time. In OPs case, mother’s needs are imminent and it doesn’t sound like a discussion had been had previously. This is a basic values issue that should have been sorted out long before the actual need arose.

My best friend is a woman in her 70s. Her daughter and her SIL have purchased a house that can easily be converted to have an IL unit if and when the time is right. In the mean time, their college aged kids have a lot of extra space for friends and the like. His parents will be going with his brother and SIL. Finances are open and sorted out. It’s brilliant, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

Key is here that this has been discussed and both partners agree on taking parents in well ahead of time. In OPs case, mother’s needs are imminent and it doesn’t sound like a discussion had been had previously. This is a basic values issue that should have been sorted out long before the actual need arose.

My best friend is a woman in her 70s. Her daughter and her SIL have purchased a house that can easily be converted to have an IL unit if and when the time is right. In the mean time, their college aged kids have a lot of extra space for friends and the like. His parents will be going with his brother and SIL. Finances are open and sorted out. It’s brilliant, really.

As I asked above, has that poster (you?) actually lived with their parents at any point? Or are they just discussing it and ‘sorting it out’ beforehand without any actual experience? It’s very easy to pat oneself on the back when you haven’t actually had the lived experience of OP or many of the other people that have already experienced it. Good for you for judging OP and the other posters that have different lived experiences and situations. You have no clue what anyone else’s life is like and judging them for not ‘sorting it out beforehand’.
I’ve actually had my parents and sibling move in with my spouse and kids at different times, and it very nearly destroyed my marriage and had long term emotional impact on my children. Maybe that’s selfish of me to focus on my kids and not center my parents forever.
But now everyone has a healthier relationship with just a little distance. Obviously some people don’t have a choice but to live together but I’m sure those people that are actually experiencing this instead of ‘discussing it beforehand’ would tell you it’s not as easy as just talking about it with your spouse and patting yourself on the back about how generous you are.