DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

Ok you can take care of op's mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

How bout DH comes back without you to report how he feels instead of having you speak for him….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

Nobody is talking about out putting their parents in a facility on this thread. You sound like another one of those that talks the talk but hasn’t actually walked it. Come back after you have actually done what you think is so easy to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

And again, this is a completely different arrangement. I'm also an immigrant and my grandma lived with us. In fact she moved in when I was a toddler and took over the primary caregiver role (I was the youngest). She was the one who sent us, kids, to school, and was there when we got home. She did all the cooking. In multigenerational households, childrearing and household chores were/are often done by grandparents, especially grandmas. Even then, when grandma got very old, she went to live with her daughter and my mom (DIL) did nothing to care for her in her last years when she actually needed care. Now obviously times have changed completely and there are very few grandmas who do full-time childrearing. I don't know of any. My mom and MIL never did. They haven't even had grandchildren over for summers, that was common for grandparents who didn't live with parents (my DH was sent to his grandparents on countryside each summer for 3 months). So to summarize: my mom hasn't done primary childrearing, never did eldercare, and barely knows her grandkids. And you think I'll move her in? Not a chance. I'd move in my grandma who took care of me in a heartbeat though, if it was possible, and still burn a candle on her birthday every year (it's been 30 years since she passed away). At the end of the day it's about the bonds you develop. Developing bonds with your own kids and grandkids serves a long way to expect care as you age. As they say, you reap what you sow. Cultural expectations are cultural expectations, because everyone in the puzzle used to put in their share of work. You have cultures, where young women were expected to do everything they were told, but then in their old age were the matriarchs who ruled with the iron fist and catered to. You have cultures where grandmas take over primary childrearing, in return to be cared for in their old age. But there is no culture where you do nothing, live your life to yourself, and then in your old age have a Pikachu face about not getting your demands met by people who more or less see you as a stranger. You want love and care? You need to put that love and care in first.

[Anonymous]

I've lived through having a grandparent with dementia (lived with my other grandparent) and just how much stress it was and how difficult and unsafe the situation before grandparent was moved into a specific facility (to stop the wandering).

You just can't expect that at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

American majority don’t love and care for their failure-to-launch adult children either, so I think that makes everything even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You act like you are the sole decision maker here, deciding between making your mom or your wife happy. I'm assuming your wife also owns your home? If she doesn't want your mom to move in, you're out of luck. It's her home too.

Time for assisted living or a live in aide. Or, if visits are enough, visit your mother every morning before work and every evening on your way home, to check on her.

No, time for an aide or assisted living. If you have a family, you likely don't have the time for every AM and every PM visits with mom. And she likely needs more care/guidance than just 30-60 mins per day.

I'd set mom up in assisted living, knowing she is well cared for, then visit at least once per week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, my MIL just tried really hard to get her oldest son and his new wife to move in with her in her new house. New wife went "nope", and in a pretty blunt way, that MIL found rude, but that I personally cheered. I have another SIL who lives close by MIL, who has been so independent for so many years that asking her to move in was out of the question. And DH and me, by the grace of God, thousands of miles away from MIL.

Heck, OP, I wouldn't want to move my own parents into my home.

MIL has round the clock aides in her own home, partly paid for by my husband. We'll do that for my parents when the time comes. You can do this too, if you want.

Same---I wouldn't want my own parents in my home full time. Love them dearly, but that would drive everyone nuts.

Happy to help fund any Ind Living/Assisted living that is required

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

This 1000%! When the time comes, and you realize that it totally upends your own family life. Even if you hire aides, they often don't show up, and you are left handling it all yourself. If you have the $$, it is much better for everyone to put them in a facility nearby and visit as much as you can. That way they have the interaction with other adults---which is key to staying healthy even with memory care issues. Socialization goes a long way to living longer. It's okay to offload this care, as it's a full time job times 2 often times (it's 24 hours a day, not 8).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this post is real. OP never came back to give details and I think it is meant to stir up wife over mother drama. However, I will play along. Things like this needs to be talked about. My husband and I talked about this before marrying, while engaged. We wanted to make sure we were both on the same page. Luckily, we both agree that we will be taking our parents in. It is important to us. Financially, it also makes sense. In addition, my husband works from home and some flexibility in his schedule and I am a teacher and have summers off so that is a help too. We would do an assisted living home only if necessary. But do what works for everyone including the one that needs care. They need a say too.

Have you actually taken your parents in? Or are you just talking about it so you can brag to everyone how generous and loving you are?

Key is here that this has been discussed and both partners agree on taking parents in well ahead of time. In OPs case, mother’s needs are imminent and it doesn’t sound like a discussion had been had previously. This is a basic values issue that should have been sorted out long before the actual need arose.

My best friend is a woman in her 70s. Her daughter and her SIL have purchased a house that can easily be converted to have an IL unit if and when the time is right. In the mean time, their college aged kids have a lot of extra space for friends and the like. His parents will be going with his brother and SIL. Finances are open and sorted out. It’s brilliant, really.

As I asked above, has that poster (you?) actually lived with their parents at any point? Or are they just discussing it and ‘sorting it out’ beforehand without any actual experience? It’s very easy to pat oneself on the back when you haven’t actually had the lived experience of OP or many of the other people that have already experienced it. Good for you for judging OP and the other posters that have different lived experiences and situations. You have no clue what anyone else’s life is like and judging them for not ‘sorting it out beforehand’.
I’ve actually had my parents and sibling move in with my spouse and kids at different times, and it very nearly destroyed my marriage and had long term emotional impact on my children. Maybe that’s selfish of me to focus on my kids and not center my parents forever.
But now everyone has a healthier relationship with just a little distance. Obviously some people don’t have a choice but to live together but I’m sure those people that are actually experiencing this instead of ‘discussing it beforehand’ would tell you it’s not as easy as just talking about it with your spouse and patting yourself on the back about how generous you are.

This!! It's not easy and more often than not has severe detrimental effects on the immediate family. And let's face it, the bulk of the care typically falls on the women (not the OP who is the man). And if you end up needing to hire aides to do the bulk of the work, it is easier and cheaper to have the parent in a facility, where they get the socialization they need along with good care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting that the word “smug” gets thrown around here any time anyone else can do something successfulkybthatbthrbposter could not.

You realize that that people all over the world share inter generational households? That doing that takes years of planning and communication and agreement? That there is a degree of family values at play? These families probably doesn’t see theirs in the same way as you do.

The ones being referred to as smug are the ones that have never done this and judge others that can’t or are unable to. More power to those that have successfully lived this way but it doesn’t mean a person loves their parents less or more than the next. It’s not a competition. Everyone has to do what works for them. Attacking someone’s ‘values’ because they can’t live with someone else (for whatever reason) doesn’t sound very kind. You can’t generalize when it comes to these situations or put yourself on a higher moral ground. Some people have abusive family members, some people don’t have the money or resources. Nobody is superior in this situation, you don’t get a prize for doing this.

I wanted to add that I come from this type of culture where they say it’s about their ‘values’ but if you talk to most of the people actually doing the caregiving, they generally feel forced into the situation because of cultural expectations and there is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface.

I’ve both lived with my elderly parents and separate form them, so I speak from both aspects. As much as I would love to do the maximum for everyone, it’s not always physically or emotionally possible.

But kudos to you for your ‘family values’. Clearly the rest of us are lacking.

Who said anything about lacking? Some families value inter generational households, some value making sure older members are placed in specialized housing, etc. Some don’t consider it at all. But in general, families have a set of values that they follow through with with regards to both elder and child care. It’s not a judgment- different families have different values on this.

I’m not really sure about why you’re so prickly about this.

Even those with these "family values" of keeping elderly in the home must realize that many times, being in a facility would be much better for everyone involved. Stressing a woman (because 95% of the time yes it is the woman who end up doing most of the work) out for 10+ years in their 50s-60s and being overburdened with a full time job and then managing an obstinate elderly parent in their house who requires more work than an unruly toddler is not "family values". FV is taking care of your family, and if you can afford it, a good facility can be the best for everyone. Keeps grandma/grandpa as safe as possible, they get to socialize, and their family gets a break and can visit weekly (or more often) and actually enjoy being with them, not stressed about making Sure G&G are safe and don't set the house on fire

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is Indian and his grandmother lived with him part of his life growing up and after he moved out. It’s just what is done. Having that strong relationship with his grandmother was part of the fabric of his childhood and it’s just a different way of living. My in-laws have been very helpful to us with our kids and always are by our side whenever we need them. They are also extremely kind and keep any opinions or judgment to themselves. I have already offered for them to move in with us. They treat us how they want to be treated and if more parents did that maybe people would feel differently about them moving in.

Yes, but not all parents are like that. And definitely not all Indian parents are at all like that! I'm married to an Indian as well (grew up in India). Most of the elderly just expect to be in charge and listened to because they are "the elderly/man of the house" and disrupt the family members they are living with. Many have the attitude of "well my parent did it to me so now it's my turn to do it to my kids". I couldn't live with my IL (I also wouldnt' want to live with my own parents now either). I don't like others controlling my life. My spouse knows that and values me and our immediate family more than disrupting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

Nothing wrong with putting your parents in a facility. My parents (we paid for them to enter) live in a luxury CCRC and live better now than anytime prior. They have so much to do, restaurants to dine at, and ability to move to more advanced care whenever it's needed.
I'm not putting my life on hold for 10+ years and not traveling because they need extra care. They are well cared for (still in Ind Living) and loving life---very social and have everything they need.
I love my parents, but I dont' plan to put my life on hold for 10-20 years to care for them when it is actually more cost effective to be in an excellent faciilty

[Anonymous]

My inlaws moved in her mother. It was terrible for everyone.

She swore she would never live with us and be a burden and bought her own long term health insurance.