DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

I’m sure said Americans aren’t expecting their parents to leave them in their will, so it’s really not so terrible.

Also, I won’t expect anyone to care for me when I’m old. I plan on being dead by 75.

And if you’re not dead then what? Or do you intend to off yourself then? What if turning 75 isn’t so bad. You still just ending it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

I’m sure said Americans aren’t expecting their parents to leave them in their will, so it’s really not so terrible.

Also, I won’t expect anyone to care for me when I’m old. I plan on being dead by 75.

And if you’re not dead then what? Or do you intend to off yourself then? What if turning 75 isn’t so bad. You still just ending it?

You got it. I already know a peaceful way for me to depart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not move her in.
My mom's 88, lives alone. I worry about her too. But no way would I move her into our home.
Elderly care is a huge responsibility.

Reread your post. You worry about her and you won’t let her live w you. She cared for your arse too and you were a huge responsibility. Do you believe in karma? May want to consider it.

The OP’s mom chose to but bring them into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

You and other posters talk about these situations fondly from the perspective of a bystander, as opposed to the primary caregiver. I hope with maturity you can shift your perspective, and realize that even if the primary caregiver speak of the situation fondly, it’s likely they are doing so out of obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

How bout DH comes back without you to report how he feels instead of having you speak for him….

My memories of my grandmother living with us in high school are not priceless. They're of my mom being stressed out because she couldn't find good caregivers to watch my grandma during the day while my mom was at work. They're of me helping my grandma change her diaper, which was embarassing for her. They're of my family not traveling together anymore because grandma couldn't come and finding overnight care was impossible, so somebody (my mom) had to stay behind or nobody went.

Having fully independent grandparents live with you is a whole different scenario than grandparents who "can't" live alone anymore. It's like having a toddler again, except they can't ever leave the house and finding caregivers is harder.

And they’re not very adorable.

And full size adults. My mother sustained multiple injuries being a primary caregiver, and it aged her tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

You and other posters talk about these situations fondly from the perspective of a bystander, as opposed to the primary caregiver. I hope with maturity you can shift your perspective, and realize that even if the primary caregiver speak of the situation fondly, it’s likely they are doing so out of obligation.

Yes, these posts usually reek of someone who has never btdt and looks back on their grandma/mom (because it's always women's work) as a lovely sweet servant to all. Someone here recommended a Willa Cather short story called Old Mrs. Harris on the topic. I read it and it absolutely hit home. Highly recommend it to everyone on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

You and other posters talk about these situations fondly from the perspective of a bystander, as opposed to the primary caregiver. I hope with maturity you can shift your perspective, and realize that even if the primary caregiver speak of the situation fondly, it’s likely they are doing so out of obligation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

So, if your kids have trouble launching when they’re adults, will they be allowed to live with you, “no questions asked”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

How bout DH comes back without you to report how he feels instead of having you speak for him….

My memories of my grandmother living with us in high school are not priceless. They're of my mom being stressed out because she couldn't find good caregivers to watch my grandma during the day while my mom was at work. They're of me helping my grandma change her diaper, which was embarassing for her. They're of my family not traveling together anymore because grandma couldn't come and finding overnight care was impossible, so somebody (my mom) had to stay behind or nobody went.

Having fully independent grandparents live with you is a whole different scenario than grandparents who "can't" live alone anymore. It's like having a toddler again, except they can't ever leave the house and finding caregivers is harder.

And they’re not very adorable.

And full size adults. My mother sustained multiple injuries being a primary caregiver, and it aged her tremendously.

I’m sure OP’s mother wouldn’t wish that in her son or DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not move her in.
My mom's 88, lives alone. I worry about her too. But no way would I move her into our home.
Elderly care is a huge responsibility.

Reread your post. You worry about her and you won’t let her live w you. She cared for your arse too and you were a huge responsibility. Do you believe in karma? May want to consider it.

When she cared for PP's "arse" as a huge responsibility, he was a baby or a toddler. She could tell PP what to do and enforce it. She could prevent PP from wandering in the street, and PP could not literally break her bones in a demented rage. PP wasn't turning on stove burners, hiding cigarettes and smoking while on oxygen, or a thousand other things that are much, much more than changing a baby's diapers.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to live with their mother-in-law, end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

Move her near your home so you can help her out. Moving her with you is going to create problems. Only do it if your wife is okay with it without you forcing her to. She deserves her privacy in her home, your mom isn't her mom. Same goes for her mom, she can move nearby but not with you, unless you are on board, without DW forcing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living was great for my parents. They made friends and had meals with different friends every day. Dad would go to chair yoga, Mom would go to a prayer group. They had movie nights, musical performances, etc for the residents. When they were still in their house, they became isolated because they didn't like to drive and their mobility was declining. In assisted living, they were able to be social in a way that would have been impossible if they had come to live with us. I only regret we didn't encourage them to move sooner.

+1

All of the elderly people I know who live with their kids or live alone are lonely. They never leave the house, never socialize with people their own age besides each other and seem to just sit around in front of the tv all day besides being shuttled to doctors appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to live with their mother-in-law, end of story.

Then shouldn't they play by the golden rule and consider that their spouse might feel the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one wants to live with their mother-in-law, end of story.

Pretty much.