DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

+1. I also think it doesn't allow for any quality time if you are caregiving for someone elderly with high needs (if that is in fact OP's potential situation). Def better to have an aide or assisted living doing that piece of it. And the family can try to focus on social needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

[Anonymous]

what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

Paragraphs are your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

Trying to get plus points? It's bad not to help her, but they are talking about moving her in. There are so many things to consider including her wishes. Imagine she doesn't want to move in and some stranger here says that she is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Trust me you’ll hate your own mother soon enough if you move her in. I moved my very non demanding parent in a relatively good shape to be closer to me, we don’t even live together, and honestly it’s been pretty tough. Idk how I would survive if my parent lived with me.

[Anonymous]

Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This is my vote!!

[Anonymous]

Try to find every possible option to avoid moving her in. It truly changes/ruins the entire dynamic of your home, regardless of how well you get along. There are aids that can come work in her home, assisted living, senior apartments, etc.

If your mother is unable to live alone anymore that means some level of care is required. If she moves into your home, you and your family end up being the caregivers and with that comes resentment and frustration because your home is no longer your safe and relaxing place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

[Anonymous]

Was the plan for aging parents discussed before marriage? At all early on?

What does your mother moving in look like? Who will provide care and help primarily? Is there space to separate your lives eg. an in-laws suite, or will she be in the bedroom next door to you? How will down bed be managed? What is the long term plan for all
Of those things?

Do you and your wife both work outside the home? Do you work at home? Are there young children involved? What’s your house set up like? Why can’t your mother not live along any more?

You’re basically proving no information to make any useful replies on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what space do you have? why can't she live alone? how old is she? Would living with you be safe for her? my grandmother moved in with us when she was diagnosed with dementia and then eventually moved to an assisted living. we were lucky that we found a nice assisted living set up. the nursing homes were frankly terrible and she lived with us another 2 years before we moved her. Several years later, my parents were both too sick to live alone, but could manage most of the own care - but couldn't drive or do a lot of physical tasks. So my siblings and I took turns living with them. we were close enough distance wise to make that work. My point is all of this is you need to think realistically about what your mother's needs are. Would adding house keeping or companion care help the situation? I can't imagine not doing it. You also need to think about the financial costs and work costs out with your siblings if you have any. I'm not sure if everyone on here is horrible or just out of touch with reality.

This is where I fear my life was heading. With statins and blood pressure drugs, people's bodies are just living longer than their brains. Right when I finished caring for my children, my two sisters died unexpectedly, leaving me as the sole daughter to my elderly mother, who is physically quite well, but has severe dementia. I am worried she'll live to 100 this way and by the time I am free I will be in my 70s with no life left worth living. Before she died, my older sister set my mom up in memory care in their hometown, fortunately, but now I have to drive hours to see her. There are times that she has gone a month without a visit because I just don't have time--working full-time and two kids in college. We just shouldn't be outliving our brains into our 90s. It's ruining life for our generation.

+1
We keep prolonging life too long. 80 is a great age for a good long life. 10-15 years of retirement is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife comes first. Find a home or assistance for your mother. Do not move her in!

No truer words. In short, f*^% your mum. (If you want to keep your marriage, that is - and if you are American in birth or mindset. I’m in Indian neighborhood and grandma rules the cake here.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife comes first. Find a home or assistance for your mother. Do not move her in!

No truer words. In short, f*^% your mum. (If you want to keep your marriage, that is - and if you are American in birth or mindset. I’m in Indian neighborhood and grandma rules the cake here.)

Your MIL lives with you?
How’s that going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

How so?