Husband asked me to look more presentable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a lot of support right now. Back pain from an herniated disc while tending a newborn is a lot. It would be hard to get out of bad daily for most people in this condition. Are your parents nearby?

My parents don’t live nearby and can’t help anyway. Older with health issues. My family has kids of their own and work.

We make a little over 200 combined. Way more than the average American, but definitely far less than most on this forum. We can afford childcare but definitely not an expensive doula. The ones I’ve looked into charge like $45-60/hr. We can’t find a nanny willing to work less than 30 hours.

It’s been bad. I’m usually a very clean person. I make it my best to make sure I don’t smell. I take care of what I can. I’m just in so much pain that doing basic tasks takes so much out of me that I don’t want to shower. All I want to do it sit and ice/heat it.

You do make enough to hire help. It is a matter of priorities and your husband isn't making you one

How do you know? You don’t know their financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t do very much postpartum but I am grateful I was able to shower every day. My DH would come home after a long 12 hour day at work and the first thing I would do is go and shower. It was my alone time and it made me feel much better. I still wore the same clothes day in and day out. But I did shower. Please find some time for yourself to shower. You will feel better.

Ok. I will make it a part to shower everyday and change my clothes. I don’t like spending money but I will order some more clothes.

[Anonymous]

I encourage you to keep trying to look for a part time nanny. We hired a part time nanny looking for extra evening work to come 2-3 times a week. So she would come 4-8/9pm so that I could have some time to prepare dinner (ok, order dinner haha), shower, clean up, and organize baby stuff. And it was the best money we spent. We also considered it “lessons” for us on how to care for a baby so I would ask her all my questions and she would show us how to set up and use all the baby gear and gadgets (reading and following instructions took A LOT out of me postpartum). The timing worked well because it was during witching hour and she helped to establish a bedtime routine. Just keep contacting folks to see if they would be interested in some temporary overtime to make some extra cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please shower each day. You will feel better.

Showering for me is a task. I’m in a lot of pain. The herniated disc presses on my sciatic nerve. Standing up, bending, and walking is really painful. I can only stand for very short periods before the pain becomes too much.

1. Could you fit a plastic lawn chair in your shower? DH leaves it on the shower at all times, unless he is showering. You do not life the chair. DH lifts the chair. That would make showing more restful.

2. What does your doctor say about this? Does she know how hard showering is for you? Ask her if you’d qualify for social services. If you don’t qualify for government assistance of some kind, I’d start calling local churches. Some old lady somewhere is done having kids and would love to hold your baby while you shower. Say that you prefer people who already volunteer in the church’s childcare program. Those ladies should have passed a basic background check.

[Anonymous]

If it is not severe depression, then it's just laziness.

Sounds like severe crippling depression though. Most people who have that don't realize it.

Your husband should take the kiddo and leave you be for a while, while you get yourself together.

Or better yet OP, you should leave or check into a facility if you can afford it.

You sound like you might harm the child or yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t do very much postpartum but I am grateful I was able to shower every day. My DH would come home after a long 12 hour day at work and the first thing I would do is go and shower. It was my alone time and it made me feel much better. I still wore the same clothes day in and day out. But I did shower. Please find some time for yourself to shower. You will feel better.

Ok. I will make it a part to shower everyday and change my clothes. I don’t like spending money but I will order some more clothes.

You don't own seven outfits? You can't do a load of laundry halfway through the week? Come on, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need a lot of support right now. Back pain from an herniated disc while tending a newborn is a lot. It would be hard to get out of bad daily for most people in this condition. Are your parents nearby?

My parents don’t live nearby and can’t help anyway. Older with health issues. My family has kids of their own and work.

We make a little over 200 combined. Way more than the average American, but definitely far less than most on this forum. We can afford childcare but definitely not an expensive doula. The ones I’ve looked into charge like $45-60/hr. We can’t find a nanny willing to work less than 30 hours.

It’s been bad. I’m usually a very clean person. I make it my best to make sure I don’t smell. I take care of what I can. I’m just in so much pain that doing basic tasks takes so much out of me that I don’t want to shower. All I want to do it sit and ice/heat it.

This I can help with. You are not looking for a nanny, op. You are looking for a babysitter. To make the offer as attractive as possible, you say that the specific days and/or the exact hours are flexible. You also need to let the babysitter bring their kid.

For example, we needed two days a week when I could nap. So I advertised for any two weekdays, as long as they weren’t back to back. We preferred 1-4, but we were clear in the as that the hours were flexible. We paid $12/hour in 2016, and heard back from ten people. Your target demographic is college students who have weird class schedule and really only want to work 10 hours/week and single mothers on welfare who can’t earn too much. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to these people, OP. You’re doing great. I didn’t shower very much for the first month postpartum either. Once or twice a week and, like you mentioned, bidet. I didn’t get sweaty at all because it was the middle of winter. I had wipes for my boobs and underboobs if milk leaked. I did change my underwear and bra 4x a day, but wasn’t really wearing “real” clothes that I could go out in.

It was completely a season of life, and my husband was home every day and had that first two months off too. I started by wearing easy and loose dresses, then moved onto athleisure.

Take it easy, as long as you feel clean, that should be good enough. Ignore your husband or tell him he’s being a complete ass. His negativity sure doesn’t help. He can do more if he wants you to heal faster.

Thank you! I do change my underwear daily. I just don’t change my sweats out unless it’s really bad. I wipe my body down.

I think the biggest issue for is showering and laundry. I’m very small and bending to reach clothes is hard enough. Adding in everything else makes it challenging. I hate doing laundry because of it and will only do it if I have absolutely no clothes. My husband tries but often forgets to switch them over and I have to rewash and put in the dryer.

So ask your husband to move your clothes somewhere you can get them more easily! Ask him to put your load of laundry in the wash before eating dinner, and then in the dryer after dinner. Then take it out before going to bed. Not that hard, OP. You're being lazy here. I don't know if that's your natural way or you're depressed, but COME ON! Be a problem solver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put a chair in the shower so you can sit?

A shower chair might go a long way to help you feel better. You can sit and shower. Showering will be less painful and you'll feel better if you are freshly showered more often. You can order one on Amazon.

I say this as someone who had a really hard time with my first. With my second I made showering a priority and the difference in postpartum recovery was night and day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please shower each day. You will feel better.

Showering for me is a task. I’m in a lot of pain. The herniated disc presses on my sciatic nerve. Standing up, bending, and walking is really painful. I can only stand for very short periods before the pain becomes too much.

1. Could you fit a plastic lawn chair in your shower? DH leaves it on the shower at all times, unless he is showering. You do not life the chair. DH lifts the chair. That would make showing more restful.

2. What does your doctor say about this? Does she know how hard showering is for you? Ask her if you’d qualify for social services. If you don’t qualify for government assistance of some kind, I’d start calling local churches. Some old lady somewhere is done having kids and would love to hold your baby while you shower. Say that you prefer people who already volunteer in the church’s childcare program. Those ladies should have passed a basic background check.

I can buy a chair. We don’t have any chairs except for our nice dining room chairs. We do have a bench on the shower but it’s built and out of the flow of the shower head.


My doctor knows. I’m on managed pain assistance with medication. I refuse to take a lot and try to manage with OTC nsaids and heat/ice therapy. I do plan to go see a physical therapist once I’m 6 weeks.

We don’t qualify for assistance. We make a combined 200. We don’t go to church and we aren’t interested in a random stranger caring for our child. The person has to be well vetted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is not severe depression, then it's just laziness.

Sounds like severe crippling depression though. Most people who have that don't realize it.

Your husband should take the kiddo and leave you be for a while, while you get yourself together.

Or better yet OP, you should leave or check into a facility if you can afford it.

You sound like you might harm the child or yourself.

What? I would never harm myself or my child. That’s a big reach. I’m not depressed.

My baby is my entire world. I absolutely adore her. She is the light of our lives and our little angel! Shes literally why I keep going through the pain to make sure all her needs are met and she is comfortable and happy.

I’m not lazy. I used to be very clean and did a lot. I over worked myself while pregnant. Pregnancy and labor caused a herniated discs to flare up. Doing basic things isn’t fun when your lower back feels like it’s an aching fire most of the time. Add in recovering from a c-section and a perineal tear. It’s not as easy as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to these people, OP. You’re doing great. I didn’t shower very much for the first month postpartum either. Once or twice a week and, like you mentioned, bidet. I didn’t get sweaty at all because it was the middle of winter. I had wipes for my boobs and underboobs if milk leaked. I did change my underwear and bra 4x a day, but wasn’t really wearing “real” clothes that I could go out in.

It was completely a season of life, and my husband was home every day and had that first two months off too. I started by wearing easy and loose dresses, then moved onto athleisure.

Take it easy, as long as you feel clean, that should be good enough. Ignore your husband or tell him he’s being a complete ass. His negativity sure doesn’t help. He can do more if he wants you to heal faster.

Thank you! I do change my underwear daily. I just don’t change my sweats out unless it’s really bad. I wipe my body down.

I think the biggest issue for is showering and laundry. I’m very small and bending to reach clothes is hard enough. Adding in everything else makes it challenging. I hate doing laundry because of it and will only do it if I have absolutely no clothes. My husband tries but often forgets to switch them over and I have to rewash and put in the dryer.

So ask your husband to move your clothes somewhere you can get them more easily! Ask him to put your load of laundry in the wash before eating dinner, and then in the dryer after dinner. Then take it out before going to bed. Not that hard, OP. You're being lazy here. I don't know if that's your natural way or you're depressed, but COME ON! Be a problem solver.

Just a thought - maybe her husband should help her?

[Anonymous]

Dude is this one poster piling on the OP or a whole bunch of horrible people ffs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t do very much postpartum but I am grateful I was able to shower every day. My DH would come home after a long 12 hour day at work and the first thing I would do is go and shower. It was my alone time and it made me feel much better. I still wore the same clothes day in and day out. But I did shower. Please find some time for yourself to shower. You will feel better.

Ok. I will make it a part to shower everyday and change my clothes. I don’t like spending money but I will order some more clothes.

You don't own seven outfits? You can't do a load of laundry halfway through the week? Come on, OP!

I didn’t purchase many clothes for after baby because I wasn’t sure how soon I would lose the baby weight. I didn’t want to buy a ton and never wear them. I don’t send clothes back because I wash anything before I wear it.

Laundry is hard for me. I don’t think you understand the burning aching nerve pain. It’s intense and terrible.

[Anonymous]

Cmon, OP. It sounds like a really tough time but you can do this. Get a shower chair. Hire a babysitter who can come occasionally (even just a few hours a week). Order some more clothes so you don’t have to do laundry often or hire a laundry service. Shower and change clothes every day or whenever needed (if baby spits up on you, change clothes and wash up). Never mind your husbands desires but you will feel better if you shower and wear clean clothing. Maybe your husband is just concerned and isn’t showing that in the best way but maybe he means well.

Having a newborn and being in constant pain is so so hard but showering and being clean are one of the first steps to feeling better (at least mentally), I think.